A Few Laughs

A Few Laughs

A gathering of friends in a pub became a source of their anecdotes for a bunch of travelling musicians. Jennifer was the first to relate her tale.

“I sang at a house concert, and I was accommodated on a nearby farm. I pulled up in front of the farmhouse slowing down to allow chickens to scamper out of the way so I could park my car. I unloaded my instruments and a pile of clothes. I’ll pack my clothes tomorrow.

I went in and was shown to my room which was a comfortable room. I ate well and slept well.

In the morning, after a healthy farmhouse breakfast, I set about loading my instruments. My pile of clothes came next, and I spent a little time arranging them in my suitcase separating the washed from the unwashed. I caried my unwashed clothes out to the back of the car and dumped them in a corner. I went back for my clean clothes leaving the back door of the car open to receive the next batch of clothes. Eventually I slammed the back door closes on my possessions and started to set off. I said goodbye and thanks to my hosts and returned to the car. I climbed in and drove off. Down the road I was pleased with my bit of housekeeping, so I started singing some of the songs I was planning to sing tonight. Soon I heard other voices joining in on my songs. The song I was on was sweet but one I was going to sing myself. I pulled over to a parking place and to listen to what I thought was a strange noise coming from the engine. I made sure that I had not left a CD in the CD player, but it was empty. I looked around for other possible sources of the song but the only thing I could think of was my engine. But the noise came from the backseat of the car. I pulled my warm coat from the top of the pile. There were two happy looking pairs of eyes staring up at me. I realized that they belonged to a couple of chickens that were helping me pack. I turned around and drove back to the farm where other chickens were roaming about. I went to the kitchen door and asked if they were missing any chickens.

“Oh no I should have warned you” the housewife said. “I should have told you to close the back door of your car each time you left it. These two miscreants were known to like jumping into an inviting back seat.”

I returned the chickens and drove off after making sure no further passengers were coming with me.

As I drove off to the next venue I was smiling and humming a tune that I sang by myself. I drove along to the next venue. It was in a large house and as I turned up there were people gathered, obviously waiting for me. I pulled up and began unloading my instruments. A large matronly woman came to me and asked what I was doing there. I told her I had been booked to do a concert. The matron looked at me in disbelief.

“I don’t think so.” She told me. She waved at the large audience I was expecting. I remembered how much music meant to people who did not seem to remember much else.

“I think you are looking for the pub further down the road.” I sheepishly smiled and apologized and made sure they gave me directions. It might have been an interesting evening if the bewildered people remembered songs from their past and started singing like they remembered the songs.

When I got to the destination I told my stories of chicken-napping and the wrong place I went to, although the folk audience looked as if they could have been from a home for the bewildered. I explain that the two chickens could have been with me, but they were not members of the Musician’s Union.

The next story came from Robert.

Virgil had a two-hole toilet built in his garden and he was proud of it with a little curved moon cut out over the door. Virgil had a large woman to come and clean his house. Virgil said that if she ever needed to go to the rest-room she was welcome to enjoy the new outhouse in his garden. Winona was pleased that she had somewhere she could go for a bit of privacy while she relieved herself. One day Winona needed to use the outhouse so in she went. When she was finished, she went to stand up to leave but she couldn’t. Her ample size stopped her from doing this. Eventually she had to call Virgil to see if she could get off the seat. Virgil came and looked in through the curved moon over the door. When he saw her predicament, he said

“You just wait there Winona I’ll get some tools and get you out of there in no time.”

He returned with his screwdriver and called out to Winona that she could wait there for him and she could cover herself for modesty. When she was ready Virgil removed the door and set about getting Winona out. He pried and pulled to try and release her, but it was to no effect.

‘Just you wait there, I’ll remove the seat.” He found the screws he had used to construct the appliance, and after he had removed all the screws holding the seat he lifted her up and said.

“I’ll take you to the hospital and we’ll get you off there.” He helped her over to his truck where, because of her size and the extra wings she had, he put her in the back of his truck and set off to the hospital There were a fair few heads turned as Virgil and Winona drove through town that day. He got her to the hospital, where they got her up on all fours on the operating table. Sam Tebbits, the doctor came in and hesitated at the sight. Virgil said to Sam

“Have you ever seen anything like this before Sam?

Sam looked and replied

“Well, yes I have but it ain’t never been in a frame before.”

Next it was Betty’s turn to keep the fun going.

Norman was moved by the lovely sunny day to set about some work needing to be done in the garden. He decided that the sewer drain needed some attention. He equipped himself with a mechanical auger with a root cutter attachment to remove tree roots from the sewer line. It was attached to his electric drill which in turn was connected to the electric supply from the house. He removed the manhole cover that gave access to the sewer line. He began to cut the rots from the inside of the sewer line. It was a warm day, and Norman soon grew weary of lying on the grass with his head in a hole in the ground. The smell was a great decider. He rolled over and lay on the grass and soon was snoozing in the sunshine. While he was enjoying his rest a couple of horse riders came by and they saw him lying in the grass in the sun. They rode on. Meanwhile Norman’s wife, Betty, was engaged in the kitchen baking scones. She was looking forward to sitting in the sun with Norman, some freshly baked scones and a cup of tea. While she was baking the scones two men in white coats came in a hurry to the kitchen door.

“Where is he man who has been electrocuted?”

“What man?” she became concerned. The men in white coats said that two riders had strolled past the house earlier and they saw the man lying in the grass beside a coil of electricity wire. They stopped at the nearest phone and called 999. The ambulance was soon dispatched with a couple of men ready to give appropriate treatment to someone who had been electrocute. Betty was suddenly aware that Norman had done something stupid with the electric supply he was using.

“Come round with me” she said “My husband is working with electricity in the garden.” They all rushed round to where Norman was lying.

Betty was calling out “Norman, Norman” and bending down beside him. Norman opened his eyes having been wakened by all the noise.

“What’s wrong” he asked.

“Someone saw you lying here by a coil of electric wire and assumed that the worse had happened.”

“No, not me I was just enjoying the warmth of the sun and dozed off.”

“Norman, you fool!”

Everyone was glad that the well-meaning horse riders got it wrong. The tea and scones were well appreciated by the ambulance men.