Sins of the Father

Interviewer: [REDACTED]

Interviewee: [REDACTED]

Date of Recording: [REDACTED]

Location of Interview: [REDACTED]

List of Acronyms: PS (Dr [REDACTED] Psychologist), B ([REDACTED] referred to as “Subject B” in corresponding literature)

See Report #006434

[Original audio poor - sound issues prior to medication administration to B (see appendix for pharmaceutical breakdown). Audio clarity improved approx. 12 minutes post microphone exchange]

[Transcript Begins 00:12:36]

PSYCHOLGIST: That’s better, you seem a little more relaxed.

SUBJECT B: I’d still like to get up. Could we go for a walk?

PS: Let’s just stay sitting for now, shall we? Maybe we can a little later.

[pause 00:12:43]

PS: If it’s alright with you, I’d like to keep talking about your father? Can you tell me a little more about what happened?

[pause 00:12:55]

B: Mam had gone out with both my brothers. I can't remember what they were doing. Football? Maybe shopping? Anyway, it was me and Dad and we were watching cartoons while he tried to catch up on sleep. He still had that blocked-up post-change sinusitis way of talking, half-sleeping while I watched TV. He was done in, like. Barely functioning.

[pause 00:13:21]

B: That's why they came then.

[pause 00:13.26]

PS: Can you remember what you were watching?

B: I'm not sure. Whatever was on. You didn't get much choice back then. Ninja turtles probably. We had episodes on a VHS that we wore out watching. We jumped and fought. We all pretended to be one of them.

[REDACTED] always got to be Leo as he was the oldest. Like age somehow means natural leader.

PS: Was he? Or rather, do you think he was?

B: I hate to admit it, but yeah, probably. Don't tell him that though.

PS: Which one were you?

B: Donatello. I always wanted to be Leonardo, but I never got to be.

PS: How did it make you feel when you couldn’t be the one you wanted?

B: Back then, I was probably frustrated, maybe even angry, but it turns out it wasn’t a bad thing. I was the most like him anyway. I was quiet and smart and [REDACTED] was always the angry one. Still is. That made him Raphael. I think being Donatello allowed me to be myself a little bit more, if that makes any sense?

PS: I think it does, yes. Like playing to your strengths?

[pause 00:14:02]

B: Yeah. Like I had permission to become more me.

[pause 00:14:10]

PS: So what was Splinter doing while you watched TV?

B: (laughs) Dad? He was watching too. Well, half-watching through his fingers. We had the volume low because of his headache. He’s bad for getting a migraine the day after.

PS: You say post-change, how long after are we talking about?

B: The day after? Maybe longer? It takes it out of you. I didn’t know that then. I didn’t know how dreadful it made you feel after. Despite all the decongestants.

PS: How long does it make you feel bad?

[pause 00:14.36]

B: A little while.

[pause 00:14.41]

PS: So your Dad was… somewhat incapacitated? How did he discover that there was a… a threat nearby? Is it alright if I use the word threat?

B: Sure, that’s what it was. He saw them outside. He was waiting for the kettle to boil, one hand on a cup and one on the sink. I watched him over the back of the sofa. His mouth was open and I could see his eyes tracking something. He’d spotted someone skulking past the garage. The one where he worked, the one with the ramps. I didn’t know that at the time though, I just thought he’d drifted off.

[pause 00:15:10]

B: So he stood there, hackles up, while the water boiled and boiled, and there's this steam cloud forming coils behind him and you can see the muscles tightening on his shoulders.

I must’ve said something to him then. Maybe I asked if he was okay.

He just says: ‘Upstairs’, without even turning his head. Before I could move he’d picked me up under his arm and we were stamping towards the spare room.

I thought I’d done something wrong.

I was confused.

It felt like a punishment.

He set me down. The rug had been rolled up and moved to another room. The floorboards had been painted white and wherever you stood your feet would stick unless you were standing someplace dusty.

[pause 00:15:43]

B: I could tell he was agitated and he’s never like that. He’s not anxious like I am. He was then though.

[pause 00:15:54]

B: So he’s fumbling with a locked cabinet, and at the same time he gives me his watch and he tells me to hide under the bed.

He says: You remember how the littlest hand ticks away the seconds? and I remember feeling the little tick-tick-ticks in my palm, with the metal still body-warm and he says: I want you to keep counting them. I want you to keep counting till the hand goes round ten times.

He holds his hands up with his ten fingers spread.

I didn't dare ask why.

He cups his hands around mine, and he’s holding my hands so tight that I’m scared the glass’ll shatter.

He says: No matter what you hear, unless I come back in to get you, you keep counting. If I don't come back and you get to ten, I want you to run to Grandad's house… okay?

Don’t turn back, he says, shaking his head. Run.

He's nodding and he says, You understand? You know the way.

[pause 00:16:32]

B: He says, Tell Grandad what's happened.

He says, Tell him that I think there are Cutters here.

He says, Tell him to find your Mam. Tell him I...

[pause 00:16:43]

B: The way he looked, just before he left, was like he was trying to remember. Like he wanted to keep this moment in his mind, in case anything bad happened. It was the first time I ever saw him scared. The first time that I saw that he could be scared. Like he knew that someone was going to die, but just who hadn't been decided yet.

[pause 00:17:02]

PS: And so he left you?

[pause 00:17:08]

B: Yeah. Yeah, he took a gun. We had a shotgun back then. This ancient double-barreled thing. I don't really remember it. Maybe he only took it for show. Maybe he felt too weak just then.

PS: How did you feel, seeing him go like that?

[pause 00:17:23]

B: (sighs)

[pause 00:17:29]

B: Why do you care? Why do you need to know all this? All of this is history.

PS: I’m trying to understand you better.

[pause 00:17:40]

B: I don’t want to revisit something that happened when I was in primary school. I should’ve learned from it. It should’ve been a lesson. It shouldn't have happened again.

[pause 00:17:50]

PS: If I understood you correctly, you said you tend to be somewhat anxious? But I don’t want to put words in your mouth. I’d like to know how you feel when something stressful like that happens. I’d like to know how you reacted. How your body felt.

[pause 00:18:10]

B: (sighs) I don’t remember exactly. At the time I must’ve been confused. Scared, I guess. Tense? There wasn’t time to think. I slid under the bed and watched his big bare feet pad out the room. Then the door shut.

[pause 00:18:26]

B: I didn’t start counting straight away. I listened to his footsteps on the stairs and the blood in my ears and the little tick-tick-tick of his cheap watch.

Under the bed, you can only see a thin letterbox of light, and I’m lying there huffing in all the dust and the dead spiders, my heart pumping against my bones, pumping against the floor, trying to work out what’s happened. Trying to work out what I did wrong.

[pause 00:18:43]

PS: It doesn’t sound to me like you did anything wrong. It sounds like he was trying to protect you.

[pause 00:18:49]

B: He was, yeah.

[pause 00:18:53]

B: He always was… all the time.

[pause 00:19:02]

PS: So, you were hiding under the bed, and your dad left. Do you remember what you were thinking at that point?

B: No. Again, I think I was confused. But I felt kind of secure under there. Like a little den. It felt… solid. Sort of secure.

PS: Solid?

B: Yeah, solid. Protected. It was like… I don’t know… I’m not sure how to describe it. All the furniture we had, it was all this cheap-looking piney-stuff. It looked ancient and ugly, but it was the kind of stuff that’s built to last. It gets handed down, not because it has any value, but because it’s withstood the abuse of a previous generation. It gets handed down because it’s survived.

PS: It had to withstand abuse?

B: It had to, yes. I understand that raising us three couldn’t’ve been easy. Parents have to be careful when kids like us are playing, particularly with other children. We don't know our own strength. Especially early on. You even hug your Mam too hard sometimes. It’s even easier to damage something that can’t tell you that you’re being too rough.

[pause 00:19:53]

PS: So did you play with other children? Or did you tend to keep to yourselves?

B: Kind of both? Me and my brothers have always been close. We lived way out in the country so there weren’t that many kids at school, but everyone knew what we were like. We looked a bit different. They just let us be.

PS: Did you feel different to the other children back then?

B: Not really. We all acted the same, did most of the same things. The older I got, the more I was aware of what we wore though. Like I say, we looked different. As kids, we could never have expensive clothes. We’d only ruin them. You wear things from second hand places, or the market. All our clothes had off-brand names and slogans with the wrong fonts. Out of all of us, only Mam wore shoes with any regularity; and that’s only because she’s not built like the rest of us.

PS: You say your mother isn't built the way you are?

B: No. She’s not. But she understands us. She’s strong in a different way. Unbelievably strong.

PS: In what way is she strong?

B: She’s resilient. And… kind?

[pause 00:20:41]

B: Too kind sometimes.

[pause 00:20:49]

PS: It sounds like you love her a great deal. Tell me, do you think you can be too kind?

[pause 00:20:57]

B: You need balance. Sometimes you need to be able to… react… appropriately.

PS: React to what?

[pause 00:21:06]

B: A threat.

PS: Do you consider yourself to be too kind?

B: Sometimes. Sometimes less so. I don’t forgive as easily as she does. I hold a grudge.

[pause 00:21:20]

PS: Do you hold a grudge against anyone in particular?

[pause 00:21:26]

B: That’s a rather loaded question.

[pause 00:21:32]

B: Yes.

[pause 00:21:35]

B: You.

[pause 00:21:41]

B: I hold a grudge against you. You and the people keeping me here.

[pause 00:21:48]

PS: I understand that this can be frustrating, but I’m here to help you. I’m here to…

B: I didn’t ask to be here. Studying and helping aren’t the same; imprisonment isn’t the same as protection.

[pause 00:21:58]

PS: I can see you’re getting agitated again. I could ask for some more medication to be prescribed?

B: I don’t need drugs, I need to leave.

PS: You know as well as I do that’s not…

B: Get me… out.

[growling]

[panic button pressed]

[door opens, footsteps]

[growling slows and stops]

B: Hello gents.

PS: Hello gentlemen. Mr [REDACTED] is considering another round of medication.

[pause 00:22:15]

B: Medication won’t be necessary.

[pause 00:22:21]

PS: Thank you, gentlemen. I can take it from here.

[muttering]

PS: Alright. Thank you. Mr [REDACTED] are you alright with having a small audience for the rest of our session?

[door closes]

PS: Very good. So… We were talking about your mother. How your mother is different from you. Different from you and your brothers. And your father, of course.

[pause 00:22:34]

PS: How are you feeling? Talk me through what you’re thinking. What does your body feel like right now?

[pause 00:22:42]

PS: Are you thinking about your family?

[pause 00:22:51]

PS: [REDACTED] Are you worried that you’ll never see them again?

[pause 00:22:58]

C: He shouldn’t be.

[chair scraping]

C: Sit still… Please.

[pause 00:23:11]

PS: I…

[shushing noises]

C: Please, Doctor, sit back down.

[panic button pressed]

[pause 00:23:23]

C: Don’t worry about that little alarm. Nobody’s coming. We’ve seen to that, Doctor.

[pause 00:23:28]

C: You are a doctor, aren’t you?

PS: (stuttering) Yes.

[pause 00:23:56]

C: This whole… situation doesn’t look very… Hippocratic.

[pause 00:23:42]

C: I believe you’ve taken something of ours.

[pause 00:23:49]

D: Why are you always naked and chained to things?

B: I’m not always.

D: If I had a pound for every time I’ve rescued you.

B: You’d have two.

D: I’ve still saved you more times than anyone else I’ve met.

B: I wouldn’t want you getting bored.

[pause 00:24:02]

B: Just be quiet and get me out of here. Get this… thing off my head.

[chains rattle]

D: Cold in here, is it?

C: Now, now, let’s all be civilised. Can you walk okay [REDACTED]?

B: A bit numb but we can make it work. As long as you can get us out of here. Don’t worry too much about me.

[pause 00:24:25]

C: What’ve you told ‘em?

B: Nothing that matters. Nothing that they didn’t know already.

D: What do we do with the Doc here?

[pause 00:24:36]

B: The doctor’s aware we hold grudges.

[growling]

D: Hello doctor. I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. Maybe my brother’s mentioned the two of us?

[pause 00:24:47]

D: My name’s [REDACTED]. This is [REDACTED].

C: Pleased to meet you.

[growling]

[shrieking]

[pause 00:27:23]

[door closes]

[coughing]

[End Transcript 00:37:08]