Remember

Early mornings have never been especially appealing to me and I, at once, found the pre-dawn of this crisp fall day to be no different. Being a creature of calming habit and having arisen well before sunrise, I couldn’t help but feel I had awoken due to the realization that something especially important to me was suddenly missing. I turned on the light and looking around the room, could find no reason for this, as everything appeared just as it should. Nonetheless, I found this imposed inconvenience had left me quite anxious and in a state of depression. Getting out of bed, I haphazardly searched the house for that which could soothe my mind for the next couple of hours but found nothing of sufficient distraction.

Fearing my efforts may only serve to wake others, I decided to take a pre morning walk to the park. There I could obtain an unmatched view of the sunrise which I knew would provide solace to my introverted soul. And so it is, I found myself sitting on this bench just as the soft pink hues of sunrise began to radiate from beyond the horizon.

I watched intently as each new color appeared to transform the dark into a bright new day and yet by happenstance, I found my attention divided. A younger man approached a bench about fifty yards away on the same side of a slight bend in the path from where I sat. I don’t know what caught my attention and yet, I found myself captivated, paying progressively less attention to the sunrise and more to him! As I watched, he removed a handkerchief from his back pocket and began to dust off the left side of the bench. Then, taking a lighthearted leap to the right, repeated the action and tucked the handkerchief back into its original location. He then turned abruptly and bending at the waist, took his seat upon the spot he had just cleaned. Now seemingly quite pleased with himself, I watched as he began to bounce his now crossed leg and turning the corners of his mouth up slightly, displayed, a somewhat sheepish grin.

Only a few minutes passed when quickly rising to his feet he made a motion in the direction he had just come, as if to offer the currently vacant seat to a passerby. Though I did not see anyone else in the vicinity, I couldn’t help but feel someone of whom he held some affection had just arrived. As he began to speak to this phantom, I found myself smiling; at first because I thought him daft, but after a while simply because I found the light heartedness of this whimsical man nothing less than infectious. In no time at all, my feelings of anxiety and depression had all but dissolved.

Though I strained to hear the conversation, no matter how intently I listened, I could not make out the words. I heard only a highly distorted murmur and the occasional sound of laughter. Strangely, it did not matter, as in this moment, it would seem I had somehow attained abilities akin to those of an empath. It therefore came as no surprise when the young man suddenly grew quiet and slowly leaned over to bestow a kiss on his invisible companion. As he did, the soft familiar scent of lilac permeated my olfactory senses, and I felt the delicate touch of warm full lips upon my own. Lost in the sensation, I slowly closed my eyes, as I was, at this moment, content! After an indeterminate amount of time, I again opened my eyes and to my surprise, the young man was passionately embracing an actual woman. I know not how the figment of this man’s imagination could manifest itself in flesh and blood, yet surprised as I was, it seemed only natural this circumstance now appeared as it did. It was then that I realized the flood of emotions that now beset me had emanated from him! I had somehow empathetically connected to this man in a manner I had never experienced with any other living soul. As I again focused my attention on the couple, a feeling of shock came over me at what I saw next! When they pulled back from the kiss, the woman looked about as if checking to see if anyone was watching. As she glanced in my direction, our eyes met and my heart immediately sank, as there was no mistaking this woman was in fact my wife!

All at once my mind rewound the events of the morning to the moment I awoke, as I now realized what had caused the overwhelming feeling of absence which had forced me from my slumber. Though I had looked about the room, I neglected to check my wife’s side of the bed which I now realized had in fact been vacant. My life began to flash before my eyes, our wedding, the birth of our children, the times Laura and I spent talking, laughing, crying; all the memories I had come to cherish so deeply were now the source of unbearable pain. In that moment, I felt my life had ended!

Besieged by anger, I stood and began making my way over to where they sat, all the while yelling obscenities at them for their traitorous behavior. I knew I had their attention for as I approached, the two of them looked directly at me and smiled as they drew themselves even closer to one another in an affectionate embrace. Seeing this, though I had not thought it possible, the rage I experienced somehow intensified with each step I took. Air rushed into my already full lungs to feed an aching and now empty heart whose pulse continued beating out an unbearable cacophony between my ears. I then heard a voice, distant at first but growing in intensity until at last emerging as the only sound I could hear.

“Dad…, Dad…,” A young woman’s hand grasped my wrist and pulled, forcing me to turn and face her. “Dad, I have been looking everywhere for you! What’s wrong, why did you leave the house again?” 

“It’s your mother! Don’t you see her, with that…, that, man?” “Dad, we’ve talked about this, mom passed away two years ago!” 

“No, no, that’s not right! She’s right there on the bench, just look!”

“Dad, that bench is where you and mom first met, kissed, and fell in love. You’ve told me that story a hundred times. That’s what you’re remembering!” 

I once again focused my attention on the bench just as Laura, now alone, raised her head to meet my gaze. Her eyes melted into mine making me feel whole once more, as she softly mouthed the words, “I love you!”  It was that image of her I knew so well, the one indelibly etched upon my heart which now slowly evaporated with the darkness, no longer capable of withstanding the scrutiny of this new day. As the first full rays of sunshine fell upon my face I felt no warmth, only a cold emptiness and the sudden and overwhelming feeling that something especially important to me was missing!