It's What You Need

The candles drip wax onto the tin plate beneath it. Lucas leaned back, his chair creaking, and rubbed his face. The stubble on his chin scratched at his hands but he ignored it. Several stacks of books of multiple volumes spread around him. Taking a break, Lucas observed the library ceiling above him. High arches and intricate spirals could not distract him. Not today. The library was quiet, maybe a handful of people occupied the corners in the large, imposing room. Thankfully, the university library was affiliated with the hospital he researched at, giving him access at this late hour. To be honest, Lucas didn’t even know what time it was anymore. He looked at the candles and two nails sitting on the tray. Nine and ten had passed. The rows of long cedar tables next to him had also cleared out three chapters of “Mysteries of Opium” ago.

Lucas flinched when a student worker picking up books left out on tables stumbled over the edge of an uneven floorboard. Lord above. Lucas did not have time to waste. He reexamined the book stacks closest to him. To his left was a mostly abandoned pile including “The Physicians Guide to Healing with Kindness”. Another pile held almost every book he read in his final year as a medical student. Silently, Lucas had spent hours hoping to find something he forgot. Something to fix everything now. Fix his father’s health.

Right now his father is probably sleeping fitfully. Coughing and trying to down what gasps of air that his ruined lungs would allow. He knew this as he had early this morning, before heading to the library, watched his father sleep. Both men brows furrowed.

All I’ve done is research, Lucas thought. But it hasn’t helped. The sobs built not just in his throat but in his chest. And in his bones. Eyes stinging, he searched the table for a book he hadn’t read yet. His hands shook as he sorted through the knowledge before him. He read it all already though. He’ll need to find the librarian to track down the newest medical journals. Spending every possible hour here is bound to be fruitful eventually. It has to. He did at least find a throat soothing tonic to give the nurses caring for his father. Setting that recipe aside, he moved the useless books to the table’s edge for the students to get. Hopefully picking up on Lucas’s hint.

His chair scratched the wood floor as Lucas used his wide shoulder to heave his body from his spot. He was used to long days with little result. His career often felt like that. However, today's efforts weighed his steps. He glanced between the tall thick columns of dense bookshelves. The first librarian he found was Miss Gnome. A young woman who just recently started working there. The previous conversation Lucas had with her mostly consisted of the classes she took because that was the only extent of her knowledge. Lucas hurried his steps and glanced away as he continued past looking for someone else.

Occasionally eyes from people reading at the tables or pursuing the stacks would find him. As he made his way to the front of the building the smell of the pages and small thumps of books being moved echoed in his ears. Sitting at the front desk was a tall, warm-faced woman. As he got closer, Lucas saw the head librarian squinting her eyes slightly at a water-logged unsalvageable book before her. Breathing out his nose, Lucas mustered up his calm facade and straightened his shoulders. His hair must be a mess after being here all day and running his hands through it. He forced himself to slow his steps, taking deep breaths until he came to stop in front of Miss Smith.

“Novel too spicy, Miss Smith?” Looking up at him, Miss Smith's eyes immediately lit up and she smirked at the joke. It was one of the reasons Lucas favored her over the other librarians. Still the small joke left him exhausted. “I don’t really find the history of orcas whales spicy. It seems that whoever returned this book actually tried to show it to the orca whales…” She rolled her eyes, “and this book has ended his service.” At the end of her sentence she unceremoniously lifted the book by the corner and dropped into the trash bin by her feet. Lucas’ eyes lingered on where the book dropped. Miss Smith cleared her throat and smiled softly up at him. “Actually, Miss Smith, I’ve gone through some of the medical journals you found yesterday. Since I’m almost done I’m hoping you could dig up some more from the magical place you found them?” He was hoping that she wouldn’t see through his lie. He definitely read every journal already. Lucas focused on keeping his face relaxed; his stomach getting heavier with every blink of Miss Smith’s screwed look. She didn’t buy it.

Miss Smith turned away from him. The wheels on her swivel chair whirring then stopped in front of a cabinet behind her. She reached into the largest drawer and took out a bundle of journals wrapped in satin blue ribbon. “I set aside a few more journals just in case. Also, these ones you can check out,’ she responded. Lucas stared at the stack she offered him. It felt small compared to the amount of books he went through today. His chest tightened. The pages of the journals were uneven. The binding loosened on a few of them. Lucas’ hand grabbed the bundle anyway. He picked at a stray strand on the ribbon. “Thank you, Miss Smith,” he said, giving her a weak smile. Nodding his head, he turned away and went back to his self-made study spot.

Later, the third and fourth nails clinked into the plate below the candle. Lucas rubbed at the hollow spot in chest. Flipping back a few pages in the current medical journal, he swiped away the grime and stinging in eyes. The library felt eerie now that Lucas is the only one reading in this section of the building. Looking around, he saw that the library was actually also darker. Student workers and Miss Gnome were working on extinguishing some of the candles in empty areas of the library. Heels clacked on the floor and a hand tapped on Lucas’ arm shoulder. Miss Smith’s light brown eyes met his. Tilting her head, worry lined her face. “We’re closing in ten minutes,” she apologized. Stacking the newest medical journals, he stood next to her. Leaving means it’s time to catch a couple hours sleep on the couch in his father’s hospital room. But if he gets up early enough he can finish the journals before coming back tomorrow.

“Are you sure I can take these medical journals with me?” His voice sounded stronger than he felt. Miss Smith eyed the room around them. “Of course. I’m off tomorrow, too. So I recommend taking your time with those. It’s your father that’s sick, right? Lung cancer.” Lucas stopped breathing. “Yes, his name is Daniel.” his voice crackled now. Disappointment lined his stomach. No help tomorrow then. “Look at me.” She waited until their eyes met again. “I’ve seen you here everyday for a month. I know it’s been everyday because I’ve worked all those days…” She shifted on her feet. “... Covering a few shifts but that's not the point. Lucas, spend time outside of this library. I’ve seen a lot of doctors end up in your shoes. Every doctor has a moment where they want to save their loved one. But half the time that doctor needs to let go. Go stay with your father. Let his doctors save him. Be his son instead.”

Lucas’ jaw clenched. “Who are you, Miss Smith? A surgeon, a doctor? I see my father everyday. Every day!” He pulled his shoulder out of her reach. She flinched at the tone of his voice. “ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude. I was only concerned. Have you seen your eyes? It’s Laura. My name is Laura.” Lucas’s anger dissolved when he saw the hurt in Laura’s eyes. She had been more than a head librarian to me. A friend at least. The only information he’d found was the throat tonic recipe. “Okay. I will consider your words, Laura.” He glanced at the candle on the table. The light flickering. “I’ll be leaving now, then.” He paused. “I’m sorry, Laura.” She straightened out a wrinkle in her dress and cleared her throat. “Me too, Lucas. Next day I’m in, I'll try to set aside more medical journals for you.” She didn’t look at him but turned around and walked to the front desk.

That night Lucas snuck into his father’s room, careful not to wake him. Daniel looked peaceful actually. Almost opposite of the way he looked that morning. If it wasn’t for the pain that still stayed apparent on his haggard face Lucas leaned over the bed and pressed his lips to his father’s forehead. Standing up, he saw the small drops that landed on Daniel. Lucas’ tears flowed quietly but also relentlessly.Miss Smith was right, he should stay. He folded up his jacket and chucked off his shoes. Laying down on the lumpy red couch, Lucas adjusted his legs to a somewhat comfortable position. Then fell asleep watching Daniel’s chest rise and fall.

In the morning Nurse Thompson awoke both the men. Lucas scrambled upright, lunging for his shoes. Shoving on his shoes, he quickly got to Daniel’s side. He greeted both of them, “Good Morning.” Daniel’s eyes blinked at the grogginess. His face wrinkled with the broad smile that he gave his son. “Lucas, my sweet son. How is your research?” His father’s good humor warmed his chest. But it left a sharp ache when he saw the sweat on Daniel’s thin face and neck. Daniel coughed and blood clots landed on the napkin in his hand. “I got a new recipe to soothe your throat. But I’m hopeful for a breakthrough.” Lucas hoped his father wouldn’t see through his false bravado. Looking down, Nurse Thompson’s watch ticked while she held Daniel’s wrist. Her face darkened. “I’m okay,” his father insisted, his coughing paused, “I’m okay.”

“Lucas, can you meet me in the hall? There’s some paperwork you need to do for Daniel.” She kept a steady voice but Lucas knew there wasn’t any paperwork. “Of course.” He patted his father’s hand. “Be right back.” Daniel just grinned, nodding until he coughed again.

In the hallway Nurse Thompson led Lucas into the waiting area near the nurses station.

Groups of people waiting and chatting filled the room. The smell of coffee made his stomach rumble. They sat in two uncomfortable chairs. Lucas waited. Nurse Thompson thankfully didn’t extend the wait. “Lucas, I think you know why I brought you out here.” She grabbed his hand and squeezed softly. The Earth disappeared from underneath his feet. “Are you sure? I thought his condition was more stable. I-I- I thought… I found a recipe for a throat tonic.” Her face was soft and kind. “Yes, I’m sure. It’s his time. The tonic will help you both. I’ll bring you two coffee and oatmeal. Your father will likely not have an appetite but our policy is to feed all patients even if they don’t eat. I will be here the whole time. Please be here for him too.” Lucas was sobbing now. His whole body was shaking. “No, no. I failed.” A rag appeared in his hand. Nurse Thompson rubbed a hand down his back while the sobs wrecked his body. “I know. I know, honey. He needs you now. Okay? So if you can go back into that room and just stay. Just stay. That's all he needs. His son at his side. You can’t fail at that. It's what you need from him too. The last bit of time you can have.”

Lucas wrapped his arms around himself. He shook his head. Trying to wipe this moment from his brain. “I’ll meet you in his room later.” Wiping his face and hands, Lucas tried to put himself back together. The chatting in the room quickly became a roar in his ears.

Shame shadowed Lucas when he walked into his father’s room. The blue ribbon on the bundle of medical journals gleamed in then sunlight shining through the window. It could have had the answers. It didn’t matter now.

So Lucas pulled up a chair next to Daniel’s bed. He stretched his muscles preparing to sit for as long as his father needed him. He grabbed Daniel’s hand. Daniel’s newest coughing fit left him red and breathing hard. “So, going to the library soon, Son?” Lucas smiled with all the love in his heart. “No. Not today. I’m with you today.”

They spent hours talking. Talking about the past 30 years. When they didn’t talk it was an easy silence. It was filled with the love between the father and son. Nurse Thompson periodically checked in on them. She brought them drinks and as it neared the end, she administered morphine.

For the first time in months Lucas went home that night. He sat on his bed. He still had the remaining medical journals and he put them on the nightstand. They still existed. Even though Lucas had no use for them anymore. Two days ago at this time he was at the library. Maybe he should bring the journals back to Laura. He didn’t know if he should read the papers anyway.

Lucas picked up the photo of him and his parents. He rolled over on the bed, stretching over his bed letting his legs feel all the extra space. And he cried himself to sleep.