How Ridiculous

“Have you seen how the other workers look?”

The accusatory tone in the woman’s voice made Evelyn swallow — hard. Glancing down at her protruding stomach, her shoulders stiffened.

“Look, sweetie, I’m not trying to be mean, I just want you to be prepared for when you don’t get a job here.”

Evelyn still didn’t respond. She wanted nothing more than to scream, shout, and tell the woman that she was no damn supermodel either. Hell – she’s bigger.

But she had been trained by this point – like an obedient dog with a shock collar, getting shocked over and over — for doing nothing… or just existing. Evelyn wasn’t sure. The defeat felt heavy, like failure.

“Can I get a box?” she practically whispered to the waitress as she checked on their table. The waitress looked at the uneaten sandwich and nodded before disappearing and quickly returning with a small white container.

The woman gobbling down her own sandwich like a wild animal, completely oblivious to the change in atmosphere. Crumbs fell from her mouth, all over her shirt and plate, leaving a mess.

How can she eat like this?

The woman had always made Evelyn feel less than complete. Every remark made was nothing more than sly slips of the tongue. Even compliments reeked of underhanded insults.

For instance, Evelyn had held one of those “sales parties” - where you invite friends and family to come to your home while the sales lady attempts to push whatever product she has.

It was supposed to be something fun.

Evelyn had made small appetizers, and friends and family all sat around the room. The salesperson stood and asked everyone to introduce themselves, providing how they knew Evelyn – and one compliment.

How do you screw up a compliment, right?

But, of course, the woman knew just how. Introducing herself, she pointed out their familial status, then paused a moment – like she was considering her compliment.

“I love how… dedicated you are to your hobbies,” she said with a nod.

Gee…thanks.

Evelyn had considered many times about cutting the woman out of her life – almost succeeded once. But the woman had whined and complained to anyone that would listen – forcing Evelyn into conversations with people she didn’t want to argue with.

“She just wants to talk. You should at least give her a chance,” a family friend told her.

“Fine,” she responded in defeat. Rolling her eyes, she called a number that hadn’t changed in decades.

“Hello?” a familiar voice answered.

“Hey, how are you?”

“I’m doing well. What about you? How’s work?”

“I’m doing well… I was given a promotion – making good money.”

“That’s good! How much, if you don’t mind me asking?” The woman sounded almost – happy for Evelyn.

“Salary is $40K.”

“WOW! That’s more than I’ve ever made! That IS good money!”

Evelyn smiled. Maybe things can be better now that we’ve both had a chance to grow.

Evelyn started speaking with her more after that. She quickly fell back into the desire for the woman’s approval and, naively, started telling the woman everything. The ups… and downs.

When the downs hit, the woman would try to tell Evelyn what to do. But Evelyn wanted to make her own choices. So, she would thank the woman but then frequently would follow her own path. When Evelyn didn’t follow her advice, however, the woman would her feelings known.

“I’m just saying this much, and I’ll drop it.” The words became like a mantra while Evelyn’s secret eye rolls became well rehearsed choreography.

Over time, Evelyn learned the “sweet spot” for what information she should give to the woman, and what should be kept to herself.

Good news mostly. Bad news? Sweep it under the rug as if it’s no big deal.

You’ll be fine. You don’t need or want her “assistance.”

Years passed and Evelyn found a husband, Daniel. He was strong, but gentle. At night, for no reason, Evelyn would sometimes cry herself to sleep, and he would hold her close. So close – she wondered if he feared she would float away.

She had never truly felt such love and passion. It almost scared her.

“If you ever want to leave, you don’t need my permission. I can handle myself. I won’t ever beg someone to stay somewhere they don’t want to be,” she told him one day after a particularly difficult conversation.

Daniel looked her in the eyes, raised his hands to her shoulders, and smiled.

“I’m EXACTLY where I want to be. We can have disagreements and still love each other. You can even make me angry, and I still can’t imagine life without you. You’re an amazing woman. I love you.”

Tears welled in her eyes as she swallowed the pain down.

“I love you too, Daniel.”

Between her relationship with Daniel, and the strained, but verbal one with the woman, Evelyn considered speaking to the man that had left her feeling just as unworthy as the woman had.

When she called, however, reality struck quickly. He had been having seizures on and off. Evelyn was worried and decided she would visit. With help from another family member, she purchased a plane ticket and contacted the man again.

“Now’s not a good time,” the man told her. Evelyn froze.

“I have plane tickets – they can’t be refunded,” she protested.

“Well, that’s a shame, really. But I still can’t let you come down right now… April – April would be much better.” Though they were only on the phone, Evelyn felt like he was pushing her away.

“That’s months away. Please, let me come see you.”

“No, and that’s my final answer. I don’t want to get mean, Evelyn, but I will. Let’s drop it.” The words were sharp enough to make Evelyn back down.

He passed 2 weeks later.

It was like a switch had flipped in Evelyn after that. She realized she had spent so much time refusing to forgive the man’s behavior toward her growing up – she had lost a real chance to connect again.

I don’t want to wait until the end to rebuild. I should give her a REAL chance.

So, Evelyn tried to be there more. Showing up, scheduling lunches, making time.

But it was never enough. The woman began complaining that Evelyn didn’t make more time for her, even though she received all the time Evelyn had to give.

“You see your friends. You can make time for THEM,” she complained.

“Oh, so I should just cancel plans with all my friends and spend every waking minute with you?” Evelyn spat.

“Well, no…I don’t want you to do that. But you see them more than you do me.”

“No, I don’t. We schedule time to hang out MONTHS in advance because we all know that each other’s lives are busy. I literally see you once a month and speak with you every week. I’m trying my best, but I have other responsibilities.”

“Ok. I understand. I guess I just thought you saw them more because you talk to them every day.”

“We TEXT. Not every day, just when we can. And we don’t hold it against each other if it goes days or even weeks without a response. If you would text, I might be more likely to respond when I can – rather than just finding time to answer phone calls.”

“Well, you know the text is so small on my phone – I can’t do it very often.”

“Ok – but I also can’t answer my phone very often. So, you have me when you can, just like my friends.”

With that, the woman finally resigned, accepting what was said.

Evelyn felt guilty. How could she speak to her like that? It wasn’t like the woman was asking for much. She’s getting older and who knows how long she could have? But each visit left Evelyn feeling more drained than the last. She couldn’t even understand why or how – but even their conversations on the phone were becoming too taxing on her mentally.

Silence began pushing through again, enveloping Evelyn like a receiving blanket. She considered embracing it and taking a big whiff of “home.”

“How have things been otherwise?” the woman asked Evelyn.

The silence was still clawing at her. “Good,” she responded curtly.

The woman paused a moment, as if to consider her thoughts.

“You know, I’m surprised that between you and your siblings – YOU became the most successful. It’s impressive.”

The words cut through Evelyn’s silence like daggers. Her jaw clenched, fingers curled into fists. The way the woman had said it — she had certainly thought she spoke it in a way to compliment. But it was just another reminder that the woman had NEVER thought Evelyn was good enough – and likely never will.

Evelyn took a deep breath, unsure what to say. As she exhaled, her breath caught. She tried again and it caught twice more. Again and again, it kept catching. Sound began to gurgle up from her belly with each caught breath until finally — Evelyn was laughing.

How ridiculous.