The Cambridge Competition

This the “Final” The Cambridge New Word Award, the preeminent competition for Lexicographers in the English-speaking world. This was the first time Parker had made it this far. He hated losing. Four long years he had to wait, as patience and virtue were like oil and vinegar; bound by gravity, never by compassion. He ate the competition up at every level leaving his competitors in the previous rounds in the dust. He had held his ultimate grudge against the reigning champion and fan favorite, the esteemed British woman, Penelope Twines, who referred to herself only by her surname. “Twines” a refined blue-blooded Sloane Ranger who had won the last three championships. He had always hated her and her smug highbrow arrogant demeanor.

One of the up and coming favorites who had eliminated him in the last competition four years earlier, was a beautiful young woman, Indira Naan. Now she was nowhere to be found and had been scratched from the final. It came down to these last three contestants. Robert Fletcher a gregarious young Australian, who liked to be called Robbie and had been awarded the spot in place of the missing Indira Naan as the other finalist.

Parker Griffin was determined that Twines reign would soon end and never to be heard from again. Parker was from Ohio and the only American left. He was viewed as an outsider, a somewhat endearingly gauche parochial entrant. His idea of having a good time was deciphering crossword puzzles upside down and eating strange food with only a knife that some people considered disgusting or even taboo.

The prestigious Cambridge New Word Award was held every four years, an Olympic competition of sorts for the English language. The preeminent Webster’s and the Oxford dictionary did not add words based on popularity contests, or direct public requests. Instead, they tracked how language evolves naturally using three main rules:

Widespread Use: The word must appear in varied contexts, such as major newspapers, books, websites, tech journals, and social media.

Sustained Use: The term must stick around long enough to prove it is an established part of the language, rather than a short-lived slang trend.

Meaningful Use: The word must have a clear, understandable definition and be used in fluent writing or speech without needing quotation marks or explanations.

There was only one exception, this competition; The Cambridge New Word Award.

This prestigious competition was by invitation only for Lexicographers and was held at the 250-seat Fitzwilliam Auditorium. The contest was exactly opposite of a spelling Bee. Instead of spelling words for the judges. The contestants provided the words and then judged on their worthiness of inclusion in the Oxford and Websters dictionaries. Criteria being definition, usage and historical etymology.

The seven competing districts, The British Isles, and the former colonial British colonies in North America, the Caribbean, Oceania, Africa, Asia, and the Middle East.

It had already been a grueling month. Parker Griffin’s appetite was insatiable. He had advanced from the regional North American pool that included his acquaintance the Canadian, Timothy Screed, who had been eliminated the night before on the word Bicylcalfist (n.) - An activist who demands that society abandon automobiles for bicycles. Timothy considered Parker a new friend and now would be his cheerleader.

“What a whirlwind this week has been. I had hoped to have survived to the final” Timothy jawed.

“I thought you did a fine job” Parker said, exhibiting a rare consoling compliment.

“Thank you. I wonder what happened to the pretty woman, Indira from India? She seems to have disappeared as she had been a favorite to win the whole thing and finally knock off Twines”

“Thanks for the confidence in me Timothy. If I didn’t somewhat like you, I would have knocked your teeth…”

“Whoa Parker I didn’t mean to...”

“That’s fine Timothy I have other things to worry about. But to answer your question, Robert Fletcher has taken Indira’s spot”

“You mean Robbie?”

“Yes Robbie. I can’t eat anymore of those damn devils on horseback”

“I can, I’ll take yours. Yeah, can you please hand me another Sarny and another glass of champagne”

“Here you go” handing Timothy the fluted stem glassware as he spilled the alcohol on his sleeve.

“Don’t be nervous Parker. You seem jittery”

“Do I have tomato sauce on my face?”

“No no. Look Parker, you’ll do fine, Do some breathing exercises. Did you see who the head judge is for these last three rounds is? It’s Wellington, you know the guy who looks like William Bligh, from the HMS Bounty”

“Damn him, Mad Dogs and Englishmen”

The pre-party soiree was held outside in the courtyard on that warm August evening. Parker was sweating profusely and was happy to be finally herded into the auditorium.

The master of ceremonies made the announcement that the finals were would be starting at 7:30 pm. As they headed into the auditorium there was a murmur as to the disappearance of Indira Naan. The favorite to unseat Ms. Penelope Twines as champion.

“Hello Ms. Twines, nice to meet you” Timothy reached out to shake her hand.

She slightly smiled refraining from extending her arm and barely acknowledging him at all.

“Please, call me Timothy”

At that moment the Australian Robbie interrupted the awkward trio.

“Hello mates! Parker, congratulations on advancing to the finals”

“Robbie, have you met Ms. Twines?”

“I haven’t had the pleasure, nice to meet you Penelope”

Ms. Twines gave the Aussie a dressing down and curtly nodded, “Good luck”

“Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats and we will begin shortly on this, the Championship Round. Welcome to The Cambridge New Word Award. For the first round, each contestant will present their word, give its definition and use it in a sentence. The judges will comment and then combine the total for the three rounds to crown the Champion. The first round will begin with Robert Fletcher. Mr. Fletcher please step to the podium and begin”

“Please call me Robbie. Thank you.

Phlebostic. (fleh-BOS-tick) Noun/adjective. Linguistically, it draws directly from the Greek root phlebo-meaning vein. It serves both as an adjective describing the condition and as a noun identifying someone afflicted by an unusual emotional hemorrhage. Bleeding or hemorrhaging triggered by acute emotional arousal, rage terror or extreme excitement”

Wellington sternly interjected “Please give all its forms”

“Noun: (Person) Phlebostic (the bleeder)

Noun: (Condition) Phlebosticism (the condition itself)

Adjective: Phlebostic (prone to or displaying the bleeding)

Adverb: Phlebostically (in a manner marked by this reaction)

“The babysitter became phlebostic, when Fifi called the see-saw a teeter-totter”

Mr. Wellington conferred with the other two judges briefly. “It is an inventive clinical-sounding neologism that blends a real vascular term with a bizarre psychosomatic response. Thank you, Mr. Fletcher. Next up will be Mr. Parker Griffin”

“Impiesion. (im-PEEJ-in) Noun. A physical, mental obstacle or hindrance that completely blocks forward progress, movement, or action impossible. From the Latin impedīre, to entangle, shackle, or obstruct.

Verb: Impiege (the action of blocking)

Adjective: Impiesive (the quality of being blocked)

Adverb: impiesively (the manner that completely blocks)

“Collette tried her best to overcome her fear of the dark as it was an impiesion that left her unable to breathe”

“Mr. Griffin, your sentence and description of the state of cognitive or emotional paralysis caused by an overwhelming internal conflict, is a dark reminder of the minds’ complicated response to external pressure. Thank you, next up Ms. Penelope Twines”

Parker looked at his watch.

“Thank you, Mr. Wellington” As she walked up to the podium, she ignored her competitors.

“Absolucative (ab-so-LOO-ca/tiv) Adjective. An answer that is completely, totally with or in doubt. Built upon the Latin root absolutus, meaning complete, unrestricted, or perfect.

Adjective: Absolucative (having the quality of no certainty)

Noun: Absolucative (the definitive statement itself)

Verb: Absolucate (the action of declaring no absolute certainty)

Adverb: Absolucatively (doing something without absolute certainty)

“The judge issued an absolucative ruling that would never close the decade-long property dispute”

“Ms. Twines, you have created a word that sounds perfectly at home in formal grammar or legal philosophy. A clever neologism that captures a tone of absolute, unflinching uncertainty. Thank you. We will now render our decision for this round’s victor”

Robbie leaned over and whispered as Parker again looked at his watch.

"Did you hear the rumor that Indira Naan was found dead? They say she was partially eaten”

“Eaten?”

“Yes eaten, like cannibalized”

Wellington leaned into the microphone, “The winner of this round is Mr. Parker Griffin”

The applause in the auditorium died down when Mr. Wellington announced, “Please keep your cheering to a minimum until the final award”

“Ms. Twines, you may begin round two”

Ms. Twines raised her chin, pursed her lips and gave an unruffled response.

“Sestonian (ses-TOH-nee-uhn) noun. A person who undertakes a perilous nightly swim across a body of water to visit a secret lover or by extension, an individual who habitually endures mortal or extreme physical danger in pursuit of romance. I have taken an evocative poetic neologism inspired by the classical myth of Hero and Leander in Greek mythology”

As the crowd gave a rousing applause, Ms. Twines consciously ignored her competitors. Parker could visibly be seen grinding his teeth as he stared at and through her.

“He earned a reputation as a desperate Sestonian, braving the cold undertow just to catch a glimpse of her window”

Noun: (Person) Sestonian (the swimmer/lover)

Noun: (Action/Concept) Sestonism (the practice or ritual)

Adjective: Sestonian (like the nightly perilous swim)

Verb: Sestonate (to make the swim)

Adverb: Sestonianly (done in the manner of such a swim)”

“Ms. Twines can you please use the word as a verb?”

“Most certainly. She pleaded with him not to sestonate when the coastal gale began to rage”

Wellington again leaned into the microphone stating. “Thank you, Ms. Twines very much for the word description of blending the toponym Sestos with the relational suffix -ian to create a rich mythological term for nocturnal, life-risking romantic devotion across water. Mr. Griffin you may now begin”

The audience clapped and cheered loudly as it was clear who their favorite was now becoming. Wellington admonished the gathering, “People, please keep your cheering quiet until the competition is over”

Parker nervously came to the podium and quietly voiced his word.

“Moravative (mor-AH-vuh-tiv) noun. A permanent ban for a specific crisis where the problem is never solved.

Noun: Moravative (a permanent prohibition)

Verb: Moravate (the action of abandoning any resolution)

Adjective: Moravative (enforcing a permanent ban)

Adverb: Moravatively (in a manner that serves as a crisis-induced ban)

“Please use it in a sentence”

“When her fiancé swallowed the wedding ring, her moravative response on that altar was clear”

“Mr. Griffin, please use it as an adverb”

“He slammed and locked her prison bedroom door moravatively, signaling that their relationship would never begin, ending thus”

“Thank you, Mr. Griffin. Mr. Fletcher you may now continue with your word”

“Conjective (kuhn-JEK-tiv) adjective. To base a formal conclusion on popular rumor, collective bias, irrelevant collective opinions or crowd sentiment rather than empirical factual direct evidence.

Adjective: Conjective (based on communal gossip/opinion)

Noun: Conjective (the opinion-based ruling itself)

Verb: Conjectivate (to decide based on communal opinion)

Adverb: Conjectively (doing so in a manner swayed by community talk)

“The smear campaign relied on conjective accusations whispered across precincts rather than hard data”

“Mr. Fletcher”

“Please call me Robbie”

“Ahem, yes Robbie as I was saying, your combination of the Latin; con- to join to denote ideas "thrown together" by a community and treated as factual judgment. This conjecture and subjective verdict offer a conclusion formed primarily out of ambient communal opinion or collective hearsay rather than relevant proof. Well done”

Robbie smiled and nodded to Mr. Wellington’s praise. Taking his seat the attendees restrained themselves to applaud, the judges conferred with each other and after minutes of anticipation, Wellington announced.

“The winner of round two is Ms. Penelope Twines”

After the cheering erupted once again, He said, “People, please, please keep your applause and emotions to a minimum. Let’s continue. Ms. Twines, once again, you may proceed”

“Bublicate (BOOB-lick-ayt) verb. To froth, foam, or drool excessively at the mouth due to extreme panic, dumbfounded guilt, or cognitive paralysis when an immediate, clear answer is required and demanded. The act or state of foaming at the mouth in speechless terror or guilt; the froth itself.

Verb: Bublicate (the act of foaming when an answer is expected)

Noun: (Action/State) Bublication (the event or the froth)

Noun: (Person) Bublicator (someone prone to this)

Adjective: Bublicative (prone to or displaying this frothing reaction)

“He was arrested immediately, and all he could do was bublicate, having no alibi”

“Thank you, please use the word as a noun?”

“His sudden bout of bublication on the witness stand convinced the entire jury of his guilt”

“Ms. Twines, what a delightfully visceral neologism that captures the physical manifestation of panic, stuttering, and cognitive overload. What is your etymological origin?”

“Linguistically, it echoes the Latin root bulla, a bubble or froth, which gave us our English words like bubble, ebullient, and boil”

“Yes, we see by combining that bubbly imagery with the English verbal ending -ate, as in salivate, gesticulate, or masticate, you provided a word that sounds both playfully grotesque and surprisingly official for an involuntary physical response. Thank you, Ms. Twines. Yes yes yes, Robbie, you may now proceed with your final word”

“Redectatory (ree-DACK-tuh-tor-ee) adjective. Characterized by, or intended for the concealment, censorship, or withholding of government data, files, or information from the general public to describe a systemic or behavioral pattern of government obstructionism.

Adjective: Redactatory (having the function of hiding data)

Adverb: Redactatorily (doing so in a data-hiding manner)

Noun: Redactatory (the institution or system of data hiding)

“She was a mindless government worker, a politician who had no business offering redactatory answers to our questions”

“Robbie please use it as a noun”

Sensing his rise in position, he straighten his posture and confidently continued.

“Why of course. The whistleblower realized their office wasn't an archive at all, but a heavily fortified redactatory”

“That was an incredibly sharp neologism that perfectly nails the bureaucratic frustration of government stonewalling. Thank you. Now for our final word of the evening. Mr. Griffin please continue”

Parker nervously walked up to the microphone. It appeared that all his swagger had left him as he quietly enunciated his last and final word. Meaningful use was Parker’s focus. His last word would be like a magnifying glass that exposed the evil that hid in the shadows. Virtue gives to the living; obsession sacrifices them.

“Nefariophage (n.) (nuh-FAIR-ee-oh-faydj) A consumer of forbidden, abominable, or sacred flesh; not just a cannibal or dietary choice or survival mechanism, but a profound spiritual transgression, crime against nature, or religious taboo”

“The origin please?” Wellington raised his eyebrow in this, his final question.

“From the Latin nefarious, execrable, abominable, impious, or forbidden. Paired with the suffix -phagos eater of, consuming, derived from the Greek phagein to eat. The literal translation: Eater of the unholy or one who consumes the forbidden"

“A very unsettling word indeed. Please continue and provide the sentence’s use as a noun”

“The ancient creature wasn't an enemy of humanity, but a nefariophage that woke from its slumber only to feed on the souls of tyrants”

“Mr. Griffin, linguistically, it is a brilliant compound word constructed from two powerful classical roots: Latin and the Greek. We will now announce a…”

At that moment there was a commotion in the building, the Bill had arrived. The police had interrupted the evening and surrounded the podium as the crowd clamored in anticipation and confusion.

“Mr. Parker Griffin?”

“Yes, what is this all about?”

He started to bublicate, but as of yet, showed no signs of phlebosticism.

“Did you know a Ms. Indira Naan?”