Thawing You

My heart freezes as you pull the sleeve away. Your eyes are solid ice. My eyes start to sting. I try to pull away, but your eyes are so damn cold as you ask me,

“Why?”

One Day Earlier

I couldn’t help but notice how blue your eyes were. The new girl in school. You radiated confidence. Strutting from place to place. Wearing those sweater tops with big gashes down the middle of the chest. You would leave jaws on the floor. Then those icy eyes fell on me as you marched to my locker. I felt like a deer in headlights. I wanted to get hit.

“What’s your name?” I was too focused on your lips as you spoke. I barely managed to blurt out,

“Huh?” Damn it.

“I said what’s your name?”

“J-Jack.” God, I barely managed to choke that out,

“Yours?”

“Crystal.” I could feel your name carving onto my heart. I was happy to put it there, “Heard you moved to this school yesterday, why?”

“Dad switched jobs. Why do you keep staring at me?”

Jesus. Was I being that obvious?

“I wasn’t staring at you, I… uh… was reading the fliers behind you.” I skirted past before you could respond. I couldn’t look you in those eyes. The bell rang before you could catch up. God. What a horrible way to meet you. I didn’t think we’d ever talk again.

But, then we did. Those sea-deep eyes would always find me: In English, in calculus, even my location of solitude.

The tree stretched out in a quiet desperation. The leaves barely hang on with the first wisps of winter. I liked to trace my fingers over those frosted limbs. Until I found myself staring up at you.

“H-Hey, Crystal. What are you doing here? It’s pretty cold out.”

“I could ask you the same thing, y’know. Daydreaming at a tree.” You snorted for the first time then. I think that’s when I first felt my heart stutter. When I saw the way your eyes crinkle when you smile.

“It’s nice out here. I prefer to be alone.”

“Well, Jackie-boy, that’s too bad. I’m here now.” You felt like the first gasps of air after drowning. Like when you retch up all that water, that poison. I breathed the cold air of that December afternoon and could’ve sworn I tasted the sea.

“I could get used to it I guess. I just don’t understand why you’re sticking around some creep that keeps staring at you.”

“HA! So you do admit that you were staring at me.” you puffed your chest out with a mock sort of pride. Despite you holding yourself to keep from the cold.

“It’s because I think you’re cute Jackie-boy.” You said it with such matter- of- factness. I felt my brain short circuit then. I could feel my cheeks getting hot despite the air being so cold our breaths came out in plumes.

“And I figured you probably come out here to smoke.” Oh. Right. Yeah I did also come out to the tree to smoke without the teachers seeing.

I pulled a soft pack out of my jacket pocket and slid a dart over to you. You made me light it. I felt like the lighter was about to fall out of my hands with how sweaty they were. I really hoped you couldn’t see me shaking like one of the clinging leaves on the tree.

We smoked in silence. The sky was grey. It was probably going to snow, I thought.

“Do you like this school?” I felt your icy eyes on me,

“As much as anyone can like something they’re forced to go to.” I shrugged, trying to look cool. “Everyone’s too noisy though, they spook me.”

Your sapphire eyes widened in surprise, “Spook? Are you scared of them or something?” Your gaze skated over me, but I couldn’t help but feel like that was such an obvious question.

“Of course they scare me. I don’t want everyone to think I’m some social outcast weirdo that nobody likes.”

“Totally, the guy that stands outside alone in the cold, is scared of what other people think.”

I could feel your words caress a freezing hand over some sort of half baked thought.

“At least then I get to choose what people think of me.”

“That’s… Pretty smart Jack!” Your acceptance caught me off guard. Before I could mask it, your face was inches from mine. The sun set over the sea in those crystalline eyes,

“But I want to know you. And I’m gonna figure out what I think about you.”

I was in a daze all the way home. I laid in my bed, repeating your words over and over again. How your eyes lit up like sun-capped glaciers. I didn’t want to disappoint you. God. I didn’t even know how I got so lucky as to deserve those frosted eyes on me, but I couldn’t drop the ball. I didn’t deserve those eyes in the first place. I cringed at how creepy I was, staring at you. I probably looked like a lunatic with my jaw on the ground. My tongue was probably wagging. I couldn’t think of any ways I could make you like me. I had no hobbies, came back to a home that was almost always empty, I didn’t have money. My mind raced as I tried to find anything redeemable. I felt my heart jump to a jog while I contemplated. I sat up in my bed. I paced in circles as I contemplated you, or I guess myself. I didn’t have friends, you were the closet I came to that and the only two conversations we had were so fucking painful I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I wasn’t smart, I barely passed my classes. The only reason I did homework was to keep my parents from worrying. I felt myself grasping at twigs, trying to build a bridge to you. I couldn't do it. I didn’t deserve to do it. You were a blessing that would shatter me in two, and I deserved every shard that cut me.

I slapped myself. Hard.

I sniffed the familiar scent of iron. I went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. A mop of black hair over a lanky frame. I stared into my green eyes as blood began to leak from my nose into the sink. I thought I looked like a fighter when my nose bled. I felt the familiar cold settle over me as the blood dripped into the sink.

The next day I tried to avoid you. I changed my pathway to the cafeteria, my classes, even my walk to the bathroom. I switched everything I could to avoid those blue eyes. I hoped you’d take the hint, even if I pulled my jacket a little closer as I left the school.

There was a thin blanket of powder, so I crouched under the tree as I started to light a smoke. I froze when I heard the crunch of snow behind me.

“Been a little cold today, huh Jack Frost?” Even your voice sounded like tinkling ice.

“What’s with you and the nick-names, sunshine?” I didn’t dare look up as I tried to push you away.

“You do them too, asshole, gimme a smoke.”

“Last one, sorry.” I finally lit the cigarette and took a deep inhale. The menthol felt like frost down my lungs. You snatched the cigarette straight from my fingers.

“Then I guess I’ll have to share with your grumpy ass.” I couldn’t help but look at your lips as you took a drag.

“You just can’t take a hint can you?” I shook my head, trying to suppress my laughter.

“I just know you can’t resist me, sweetie.” You grabbed my chin to face you. Your fingers were cold as they touched my lips and opened my mouth. You shoved the cigarette back in my mouth.

“There, all better, Jack Frost.” I felt like my entire body was on fire. I could’ve sworn the snow was sizzling underneath me.

“What makes me so interesting to you.” I adjusted the cigarette in my mouth as I stood up to turn to leave. I didn’t want, or deserve, to stay longer with you.

“Do I need a reason to want to know someone?”

“It would be helpful to know.” I started to leave until I felt your sleeve brush mine.

“I don’t know, Jackie- boy, why should I pick you to know?”

“I racked my brain all last night. I couldn’t find a clue.” I flicked the cigarette butt into the grass.

“Then we must conduct field research!”

“Huh?”

You skipped all the way to my house. Humming some indy song I didn’t know.

I couldn't stop my mind from racing. I had never had a girl over. My room was always a mess. I didn’t have anything interesting in it. It was just a regular bed. What the fuck did you mean by “field research”?

My hands were shaking as I opened the door. You burst past me. Those damning eyes eating up every last detail of my single story home.

“Sorry, it’s not that big. The backyard is nice though.”

I wanted to explode. I couldn’t cool down my face.

“It's…amazing!” You bounced around the room, “ooh”ing and “ahhh”ing at all my baby photos.

“You’re an only child?”

“Yep. My parents said they only wanted one.”

“Where are your parents?”

“My mom works retail, my dad is an accountant. They don’t get back until later.”

You paused then. Like you were calculating something. You turned to me,

“So we’re all alone?”

I felt myself swallow,

“Yep. Until 7.”

You prowled up to me, I felt like a gazelle being hunted. I hated and loved it all at once.

“What ever shall we do?”

Your hands brushed over my shirt while you asked the question. I flinched. You pulled away.

“Too soon?” Your eyes shone with concern. I could feel my ice melting too damn fast.

“Not one bit. I just don’t want you to be disgusted.” I couldn’t meet those damn blue eyes again?

“Why would I be?” You asked so innocently as your hands explored my torso, sliding down my shoulders and landing on my sleeve.

You slid the sleeves back to caress my forearms. You breath caught. Those beautiful eyes went wide. I felt my world collapsing.

“Why?”

You pull the sleeve further up to reveal my mangled gashes. I can’t breathe. I can’t help but look at the ground. I feel like a scolded child.

“I don’t know.”

My voice is cracking like a fucking kid. God I can’t get this damn lump out of my throat.

“Maybe you should go. I’m sorry you had to see this.”

I make my way to open the door. I try not to let you see the tears running at full force now.

“Stop.”

I freeze and sob. God I ruined everything. Just like I always do.

You turn me to face you. Tilt my face to meet yours.

Your eyes are an arctic sunrise. The view from the top of Mount Everest. More than anything I could ever deserve.

And they look so… kind.

You give the first shy smile I’ve ever seen from you as you step back, and slowly take off your sweater.

My heart crumbles as I see those familiar cuts.

They litter your upper and lower arms, even your ribs have a few fading marks.

“Why?” I choke out the words.

“Hey, that was my question.” You try to smile, but it flickers and dies on your face.

I don’t know why, but I take off my shirt too. To show you the tiny X’s I’ve made over my chest.

Your face contorts even more. A small sob escapes you as you reach to touch them.

When you do, I feel the glaciers I built around my heart crack in half.

“As you can see, I don’t think very highly of myself.” I try to joke as I gesture to my mangled body.

You shake your head, tears running down your face in icy streams,

“You should. You’re really nice, Jack. You made me feel seen.”

“By staring at you like a piece of meat?” My eyebrows furrow in confusion,

“Because you looked at me like I wasn’t some broken freak.”

“You know you're not even close to that, Crystal.”

“There you go again. Being nice to the girl you don’t even know.”

I wipe the tears from your face. Your skin is so soft.

“Well, I thought you wanted to know me? I would love to get to know you too, Ice queen.”

Your face is a mixture of both confusion and laughter,

“Ice Queen? You got to have something better than that, Jackie-boy.” Relief floods as I see that smile again. I know I don’t deserve you, but I know you deserve to be happy. If I’m any good at that, then that’s what I’ll do.

“We’ll figure something out. Until then, you wanted to know me better?”

“Oh?” Your face lights up with flirtatious amusement, but I can see that hint of apprehension. I must’ve really spent a long time looking at those eyes recently.

I hug you. My scars brush up against yours.

We both gasp a little as we embrace, but it isn’t hot or heavy or sexy.

Hugging you is warm.