35 likes
25 comments
Screwed. I was completely and absurdly screwed.
Trust me, I'm not even exaggerating this time.
All my life, I thought I was one of those lucky girls who grew up in a rich, loving, and caring family, with normal parents who would do everything for their kids and who worked hard to create a healthy environment.
I remember when I was in seventh grade, many of my friends had issues at home. Abusive or drunk parents, divorced parents fighting for custody of the kids, a toxic environment with a lot of disrespect, and some were terrible, like my best friend Kelly at the time, who got beaten every single day by her father, for no reason.
Sorry, I should probably introduce myself first before continuing, because what I'm about to share isn't pretty and is very personal. I want you to know me a bit before we dig into it, so you have context and better understand my story, okay? Well, also because I don't want you to judge me too fast or jump to conclusions before having the full picture.
My name is Jenny, I'm 20 years old, and at this very moment, I'm writing you this letter from a psychiatric hospital. I know what you're thinking, but remember not to jump to a conclusion yet. The story I will tell you happened two years ago, when I was 18. I was living with my parents, Karoline and John, and my little sister Lucy. Life was going pretty well, and since my parents were rich, we could literally have everything we wanted.
One day, I was back from school and decided to go to the garage and look for a box with old pictures that my mom used to show us when we were kids. The garage was enormous, and we had a lot of sealed cardboard boxes.
I started opening them and managed to find some of the old family photos, but there was one I was missing. I wanted to find the photo of when Lucy got her first giant bear, and how she freaked out because it looked a bit like a possessed toy. Lucy was only 10, and despite my mom's concern, my father insisted on giving her the gift because it was handmade by my grandmother on my father's side.
Why did I want to find that picture so bad? Because it would be Lucy's 15th birthday, and I wanted to prepare something original and fun to give to her.
I kept opening boxes, but couldn't find the photo. You know, while some people collect books, paintings, clippers, etc. My mom was a collector of boxes because the garage had at least 60 boxes scattered. I would spend the whole day looking for that picture.
I opened five and had already decided to give up, and just when I was about to leave the garage, I looked to the right corner of the room and saw a small orange box that looked more like a safe. It had a note on the outside saying, 'Just some boring family stuff. ' I mean, I would have believed it if it wasn't locked up.
Why would my parents have a box with a note saying 'boring stuff' and then have it locked up? I thought about opening it, but then I couldn't avoid thinking that I could find something embarrassing, like certain types of photos of my parents, if you know what I mean. I would be traumatized for life. Honestly, I don't remember seeing this box there before that day. The smartest decision would be to just ignore it and leave. But...I couldn't.
I was too curious to know, and I had to find a way to open it, so I did it. At first, it looked just like another box my mom would seal with a lot of old papers, some family pictures, and I even found a strand of Lucy's hair, wrapped in a sheet of paper, tied with a rubber band. The name Lucy was written on the paper covering the hair. I found it a bit weird. It gave me some kind of voodoo vibe, but obviously, it was just my parents trying to keep something from Lucy's childhood.
I kept checking the box, and when I was almost finishing, I found a very strange object that looked like something from the past century. It was made of metal, a bit heavy, and had one single button with the word 'Press here' crafted above it. Despite being a bit suspicious, I decided to press the button. I mean, it was something in my house kept by my parents. So, what could possibly go wrong, right?
I pressed it, and immediately after, a lot of photos and documents came out of it. You won't believe it. I was looking at some very disturbing photos. They had a lot of Lucy's photos, from the day she was born until the day before I found the box. On each of the photos, they had small sentences like 'The kid that will save us is finally here' or 'We will deliver her soul to keep the family wellness.' The photo from the previous day said 'Tomorrow is the day. She's almost ready.' At this point, I was scared as hell. The most disturbing thing, though, was the note I found there:'We voluntarily offer our child to you, God of wealth. Please take her as a form of gratitude for everything you've been doing for our family for generations.'
What the hell is going on here? What was this box about? What do they mean by giving Lucy's soul? I thought OMG! Were they going to kill her? That couldn't be true. I was in panic. I wish I had never opened that box. Some truths are just too hard to tell.I didn't dare to confront my parents about the box.
The next day, I decided to be ready to protect Lucy no matter what. We celebrated Lucy's birthday normally, and the party ended around 23:00h. Everyone left our house, and my parents suddenly decided that they had to leave and take Lucy to an appointment that was scheduled for 23:30. I asked what kind of appointment, and they refused to say. I then asked if I could join them, and they refused, saying it was too late and that I should just go to bed and rest. I looked at Lucy, and she was scared. My parents were acting strange, and I knew why.
They got into the car, and I desperately insisted that I wanted to go with them. At this point, they got mad at me and said I was being disrespectful to them. I ran to the house and picked up my father's gun, which he used to keep inside a box under his bed. I knew for sure they were going to kill Lucy, and I couldn't allow it. When I returned to the patio, my father was already ready to leave. I screamed, "Wait, please don't go!" My father looked at me, gave a weird and creepy smile, and started driving. I was shaking with all the adrenaline, and suddenly saw my mom turning around holding something that looked like a gun next to Lucy. Without thinking much, I fired. I shot both of my parents. Lucy was screaming and freaking out.
"Sorry, Lucy. They wanted to kill you. There's no appointment; it was all made to kill you." – I said while looking at Lucy with my eyes filled with tears.
Lucy, confused, replied "What are you talking about? You are the one who just killed them. You killed our parents. You're a monster!"
"But I swear they wanted to kill you. I just wanted to protect you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt them. I was just worried about you." – I desperately tried to make Lucy understand why I did what I did.
"Why would you think they wanted to kill me?" – Lucy asked with a tone of disbelief.
"Because I saw that weird box in our garage, and they had lots of weird pictures of you and notes saying they needed to sell you to some kind of spiritual being. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. You need to believe me, Lucy" – I explained while trying hard not to lose my mind.
"Oh, I believe you, Jenny,"- She said.
"Really? Thank God. I can show you the box," - I replied, sounding a bit more relieved now.
"No need. I believe you because it was me creating this box and not our parents." – Lucy just revealed this shocking truth to me.
"What? Why would you do such a horrible thing?"– I asked, terrified.
"Because it's Halloween and I was just messing with you. I didn't expect you to kill our parents. Well, also because I hated them, not gonna lie." – Those were the last words I ever heard from my sister.
Digging up the past was her worst mistake. Yes, I lied to you before. I'm not Jenny. I'm Lucy, and I'm actually the one writing you this letter.
Jenny is still in the psychiatry hospital, my parents are dead, and I got what I wanted: to have my parents gone because I didn't like them, and at the same time, I got everything my parents owned just for me. I did it all on purpose and even managed to convince my parents to participate in the prank. Asking my mom to hold my fake gun in the middle of the chaos, was definitely a brilliant idea. I knew Jenny would play the hero to protect me, and she would kill our parents for me, if she felt that I was in real danger.
Honestly, I did not want to hurt Jenny. Despite everything, she was actually the only person in the world I could stand, if it wasn't for the fact that she was the perfect person and my parents' favorite daughter. 'Oh, you should be like Jenny.' or 'Oh, Jenny at your age was already doing this and that.' Gosh, I was so sick of them all. And Jenny? Why didn’t she just call the police like a normal person would? She couldn't help but play the hero, so I guess she got what she deserved.
And remember:
You should not look for what you're not ready to find.
You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.
What a rollercoaster! Awesome story, Denise! Thank you for sharing.
Reply
Thank you for reading my story, Akihiro. Means a lot!
Reply
I agree. I was hooked from the start Denise, unable to look away as everything crashed and burned poetically.
Reply
That’s a very kind and rewarding feedback. Thank you, Elizabeth!
Reply
Omg! I can't believe I just wrote this short story today. I will probably come back to review it before the contest closes, since it was a mega speed writing. It was challenging to create a full story in just a few words, but I'm so happy because it's the first time I'm participating in any writing contest.
Anyway, here I am. Scared but bold at the same time, I guess :D
Thanks for reading :)
Reply
This was so brilliant. A real roller coaster ride for sure.
Reply
Thank you, Wandile, I’m glad you enjoyed it:)
Reply
So, before I share my feedback, it is my understanding that this happens to be both your first story submitted here, as well as your first time of submitting a story.
Without mincing too many words, there is a lot of promise for you, writing a brand new narrative within such a small amount of time that has Within this short window of time, you have attracted an audience of readers who admire and have been giving their praise for what has caught their admiration. The gist to all of this is that while my feedback as a writer is for the purpose of constructive criticism, it is still criticism. You are free to observe my feedback and take it as something to perhaps help you develop your talents according to what I observed when reading this story (it will be a only a few points, along with a short summary of my impressions overall once my criticism has been made in short order that does not encompass all of my thoughts or suggestions that come to mind, but seeing that my intent for this to be constructive, it is then understandable if you chose to disregard what I say here and take on the next story you submit without a doubt in mind as to what you will come up with for your next piece of fiction available here.
so my three points of criticism are as the following:
1.) Ambiguity in fiction can be a powerful device for an author who wields it knowingly, whether that is in regards to making the events of the plot have oodles of mystery and suspense at the cost of making what happened/in what order/etc. However, it had been rather easy for me to sit back and figure out that the narrator was not who they said were. The unreliable narrator as a plot device was eevealed the instance the storyteller repeatedly insist not on judging them for what the reader/in-story recipient of the letter this character has framed both as their own story, as well as is later revealed, is the framing of the true author's identity to be the source of the story's fuller meaning. The problem is that when the details of the unreliable narrator's manipulation of the events are unclear(why is Jenny sent to a psychiatric hospital if she murdered her parents right away? Unless the violence has been reported as an intention or attempt at self-harm/suicide, it is sort of hard to believe that a psych ward alone would be the fate of the real Jenny because only a defense of criminal insanity would perhaps bring about such, bur even this is exceedingly rare for double homicide cases by a 20 year old of all age groups, so for the sister to scheme something so utterly vicious with the locked box having been her source of deception bringing about the murder of their parents, then what would of prevented the unreliable narrator from being entangled within questioning as well as Jenny? Her intention was to have her older sister to be portrayed wrongly to be insane with this letter forged also is very muddled in that we do not have a clear idea who might be reading the false letter that Lucy wrote masquerading as her sister(is it the investigating authorities? Or is it the only named friend of many described by this false Jenny at the story's opening paragraphs, Kelly from 7th grade who was known to be beaten by her father every day? Or is the letter all a ruse to the reader, both lie, truth, and then a fiction at the same time as well by Lucy to passing callous judgement on her older sister for what, being led to gun down their parents for no other reason than Lucy's very self-confused trick that both says that she didn't expect anyone to get killed, and yet not only invents a conspiracy to essentially gaslight Jenny into shooting her, but then smartalecks after all of that to flaunt to the reader that this outcome was to happen because Lucy predicted her sister to be the hero? If she did intend to have her parents killed by all of this, the motivation of Lucy as an unreliable narrator/disguised antagonist is not really given much persuading ideas of her thoughts and feelings other than I dunno, i didn't last like them. It was Halloween so that means suddenly this year i just go out of my way to devise a network of deception, and for what? Lucy, for how unrepentant, devious and uncaring she is about all of the damage this has cause, also has so very little to suggest that her dislike/insecurity toward her family is really nothing except very conventional angst over having her parents question and nitpick over Lucy's shortcomings compared to Jenny, supposedly. And seeing how Lucy has brought all of this at the end to what amounted to nothing but a frustration with her parent's approval of her, i likewise also found it frustrating that for all of the maliciously intelligent design of Lucy's plot, and the barely concealed lack of remorse to be bordering on making mustache twirling boasts and taunts by the end. For someone so evil be so honestly moronic enough to be so thoroughgoing about the locked box but herself not know she will also be likely questioned by the authorities if both of the parents murdered has only two sisters? Does Lucy really think that its just that easy to have Jenny hauled away and that she will just stay at the house, consequence free?? And that part about (again, supposedly faked) Jenny's 'many friends' who were alleged victims of 'abuse' is the biggest piece of questionable inclusion as a detail, whether invented or half-truth, is so isolated from the rest of the story that it might as well be another lie by Lucy seeming at first to project a story about discovering abuse, but then this becomes a red herring when Lucy didn't really have much to bring her to plan out such a vile prank unless she had always planned to disabuse the trust of the reader to gloat mockingly for such an ultimately pathetic and short sighted urge to cause if not merely egregious harm, then to destroy their family with the locked box. Also of rhe mom is such an avid collector of boxes as well as the organization of them would of already saw the locked box before Jenny, because otherwise when and where is Lucy putting toy guns in her parents hands before they begin to enter the family vehicle? In that case, why not just have the cops shoot her parents in a similar misunderstanding/tampering by persuading the parents to wield those fake toy guns out in the middle of the street? Was her sister Jenny really even necessary as a foil if Jenny, who is holding a real gun, then cannot recognize that her parents are wielding the exact opposite of the real weapon Jenny kills them with?
There is so much threads that are hinted and either have very one-dimensional result, confusion on the logistics involved with the unreliable narrator/hidden perpetrator (the photo is another example because it feels like there would be some significance to her getting this photo as a present for how much is detailed on it as set up only for it to have no resolution or even role in what happens with Lucy after the discovery of her planted Locked box.
Ambiguity, especially unreliable narrators, can be a great means of conjuring mystery, suspense, personality, and subtext to what the reader can envision between the words and sentences they write to piece together what has credibility and what might be a lie or exaggeration/ distortion intentionally exchanged as the same for as something where a simple, perhaps even seemingly irrelevant observation about such a characteristic flaw can, for example, do no harm in the words of the unreliable narrator's musings to seemingly hold the appearance of looking more profound than when the intention of this hypothetical unreliable narrator.
So here's my verdict: it has a lot of promising elements and does have the breeze of easy-to-read prose. But having seen the comment talking about how little time this was drafted, the rest of the plot and it's reveals has little to illuminate on the evil the end of the story uncovers other than the other biggest hurdle for me in having stronger appreciation for it as a completed story instead of viewing it as how it is now is mainly just the plots, the seemingly dubious details about Jenny's connection to a social life other than having one friend with a name(Kelly) who just literally exists as an object that exists for little reason than as one of Jenny's fellow abused friend. even more than that, I really have the struggle for me to suspend my disbelief about anything revolving around Lucy and her Halloween schemes, she(Lucy) is on one hand an evil kid genius setting up her (Jenny)sister to, if she didnt at least kill her parents under these half baked pretexts. It makes Lucy as the villian seem evil, sure, for a lot that I listed, but she also seems stupid in a way I don't really find charming or threatening because their worthiness as an adversary whose mere appearance of controlling all this into having fallen into this letter forgery/sister insanity plot has such one-dimensional payoff which just makes Lucy just not fleshed out, nor with Jenny or this supposed screening/'logistics'.
ps., thanks for the add and for sharing your story. take my opinion/commentary as you will. hope to see more stories from you soon
-ecm 2025
Reply
Hi Moss:)
Thanks a lot for taking the time to read my story and to give your opinion.☺️
Reply
🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽.
Reply
A Jumanji type story. Very well written.
Reply
Thank you so much, John!
Reply
I didn't see any of it coming - but it kept me interested until the end. Thanks for writing and sharing.
Reply
Thank you, Stevie!
I’m glad to know you enjoyed it and thanks a lot for giving it a try:)
Reply
I certainly didn't see that coming! What a good job!
Reply
I’m so glad that you liked it. Thank you:)
Reply
I didnt expect it! The unreliable narrator! Nice job!
Reply
Thank you so much, Patrick!
Reply
I didnt expect it! The unreliable narrator! Nice job!
Reply
This story is great! I love how you used language that most teenagers or adults would use in a self-monologue. It adds a comedic effect! Amazing work, Denise!
Reply
Thank you for the kind feedback, Neenee. Means a lot <3
Reply
This was an awesome story! I love how you grab the reader from the very beginning and don't let go until the end! Nice job :)
Reply
Thank you so much, Daniel. As a new writer, receiving feedback like that is huge. Thanks again :)
Reply
Nice story! I like the reveal at the end where we find out what Lucy(the real one) was really doing: she wanted Jenny to kill the parents for her so she would not be the guilty one.
Reply
Thank you Grace. It means a lot 😊
Reply