Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia

[Proceed without a dictionary at your own peril!]

“Doctor, she’s here again. The hypochondriac.”

Nurse Dweller sounded amused as she told the doctor I was in the waiting room. Again. Didn’t she know I could hear her behind the curtain? The stupid clodpate. My misfortune no doubt arouses schadenfreude in her heart.

The thought of what the nurse called me made me angry. And dizzy. I swallowed hard, and grabbed the back of a chair in the waiting room to steady myself.

I felt like shouting, ‘I am NOT a …’.

But I couldn’t say the last word. Words with ten letters were my max. No matter how hard I tried. I could spell ‘it,’ having heard ‘it’ enough. But I didn’t dare. I cannot say or hear such words spoken. Oh, my vocabulary is extensive. I understand more than I am given credit for, but letters forming large words become animated. For me. They dance before my eyes, surround me, choke me. Big, strong letters. It was as if they jump off a monstrous typewriter just to get me. They are evil - going to be the death of me. That’s why I was here. Again.

Take some deep breaths. This is supposed to be a safe place. Dr. Short told me to remember that the last time I was here.

I desperately tried to calm myself.

I could hear Dr. Short. She had another patient in her office. I couldn’t blame her; my visit wasn’t scheduled. Besides, I just saw her two days ago. But this was an emergency!

Nurse Dwelling reappeared from behind the curtain. The zoilist was smiling as if she was my best friend, without flicker of compunctiousness for dissing me a second ago. She said I could see the new doctor, just added to their practice. I followed her to his office.

When I entered the office, the pulchritudinous Dr. Sesquippedalius was seated behind his desk, habilimented in the usual white coat befitting a psychoanalyst.

I felt like I was going to be sick.

“Can’t I see Dr. Short?” I asked, even though I knew she was with another patient. “I usually see her.” I started to sway. Nurse Dwelling helped me to a chair opposite Dr. Sesquippedalius. That was the worst place to seat me, as the letters from the doctor’s nameplate jumped off his desk.They started to surround me. Chanting. Making aggressive gestures. All fifteen of them.

Don’t you see them? I looked around in a panic. No one else moved. I was gagging and pointed. Just before I passed out, Nurse Dwelling, or maybe Dr. S_____, turned the nameplate over, and the letters receded. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Nurse Dwelling then left the room, closing the door so the doctor and I could have some privacy to chat.

Don’t think I didn’t notice the lulzworthy smirk you gave the doctor, as you were leaving. What an addlepated nincompoop!

I was glad to see her rear end exit stage left.

“Better now?” Dr. S_____ asked. I was still breathing hard, trying to settle my heart. Then he added, “are you feeling under the weather today? You look quite pale.”

I nodded. “It’s worse now. My life … I’m surrounded by large words.”

“I see.” Dr. S____ said, as his arms spread in the typical pandiculation of one sitting too long. “Is it worse now than your nudiusteritian visit? When you saw Dr. Short?”

“I know what nud…that word means. I’m not stupid.” I sighed in a state of exulansis at the thought of elucidating my affliction. Again. “Perhaps this isn’t going to work. It’s hard to explain.”

“OK. First off, you need to relax. Let’s try a different tact to remove the impedimenta. Just think of me as a friend, sitting here chatting with you. Dr. Short is your doctor. Not me. Just out of curiosity, tell me what Dr. Short told you to do.”

“She told me to watch a movie. Three times a day to start. Until I can watch it ten times in a row.”

“That’s an odd prescription. I’m not quite comprehending that one. I can’t think of any movie I would want to sit through that many times. Any particular one she wanted you to watch?”

“Yes. Mary Poppins. I have to watch it until I can say the super word. She wanted me to say it my next visit. But the word comes out of the TV… You wouldn’t understand. No one does. The letters…they are going to kill me. That’s why I’m back so soon. I can’t do what she wanted. I can’t.” Tears started falling from my eyes, so I turned my head. People laugh at my condition, but it’s real. At least for me.

“The super word?” Dr. S____ thought for a minute. “Oh, you mean supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

I made semaphoric eye contact with the doctor, pleading with him not to use such pernicious language, given my affliction.

“Sorry. It took me a minute to remember that movie. Haha. She jumped you right into 34 letters! There is a theory that you confront your fears, or phobias, head on to get over them. But from ten to 34? I might have started a little smaller.”

I looked at Dr. S____. His countenance indicated verisimilitude. I think he believes me. Finally. Someone who doesn’t treat me like I’m a joke. Not like the ugsome Nurse Dodohead.

“Ahhh. I believe you may be suffering from pareidolia – you see these letters attacking you, yet they are not there. And to complicate matters, your kakorrhaphiophobia makes it difficult to take risks or try new things. You are afraid of failing.”

“So what do you recommend?” I was starting to feel a tendresse for this man, who was not my doctor. After years of navigating perilous situations, I was starting to relax.

“Well,” he smiled. “I like the idea of a movie. I just think 34 letters was too long for your initial therapy. Why don’t we ease into it. Do you like superhero thriller movies? How about we go see Unbreakable? It’s only 11 letters. I have tickets if you want to see it tonight?”

I smiled, and looked at the pulchritudinous physician. “Are you asking me on a date? Is that allowed?”

“You are Dr. Short’s patient. I just said I would speak with you. So, are you game to try?”

“Unbreakable sounds like fun!”

“Eureka! Your first breakthrough! You said an 11-letter word already! You don’t need to be a solvagant, you know. I’ll walk this journey with you, if you want.”

An unfamiliar kairosclerosis set in. On the verge of liberosis, I refused to overanalyze. A small dolorifuge was welcome, and hopefully precipitated a larger recovery. Looking forward to my date, I hung on to every word.