Conquering Monster One

"Hey, what's your name anyway?"

"Oh, I don't think that's what is important right now."

"Really? And why is that?"

Pausing for a moment, it looked contemplative and a little anxious; it seemed to take considerable effort to address my questions. Then, it would get irritated when I would hesitate in answering its questions.

"Giving you my name would give you an advantage you have not earned. It wouldn't help in my current mission."

"Ah. And what would that mission be?"

Another long pause. I was doing my best to remain calm, but that was difficult since, at this point, I was talking to what I perceived to be a disembodied voice.

To prevent you from becoming the person you are meant to be.

A surge of fear rushed through my body, and I tried to end the conversation right there. Something in the way it said, “...the person you are meant to be,” made my heart pump faster. This made it...dare I say...happy. All efforts to get my feelings under control drained most of my energy. To make things worse, it was blocking my exit. I ran into this particular closet thinking that I could escape my tormentor. As a kid, I spent countless hours in this very closet, reading by sitting my flashlight on end. I wish I'd grabbed a flashlight this time, but at least without a light, I couldn't see it. I could still smell it. A heavy scent of brimstone filled the tiny room, choking the oxygen out of the space between us. What was that noise it was making? It was moving, not moving exactly; a sinister laugh came from the depths of its center. A dark and menacing noise that assaulted my ears. Slow breathing, in...out...in...out. That calmed me enough that I could speak again, but my throat was raw, so the words came out with a hacking cough.

What's (hacking) what's so funny?

It spun 'round as if it forgot that I was there. At least, I think it spun 'round...I felt a whooshing motion that felt like a twirling motion, but, not having any light, I couldn't see it.

“NO!”

(Hmm, was that frustration, was it anger?)

“Funny? I could not possibly tell you what is funny. You might use the information against me and that just won't do. Too much has already been revealed by my coming here in this state. That you are able to see me at all means I've given away too much. I have some abilities which you cannot deflect but to use them, I've had to enlist the help of a friend. Before you ask, I will not give you their name anymore than I would reveal my own.”

Balling my fists, nails digging into my palms...more deep breaths; it smells so bad in here, must not let exasperation take over. Not until I find out a way to defeat this monster. Who is this enemy? There has to be a way to escape it's tormenting. My turn to pause. What did it say...its amusement could be used to my advantage? Not its amusement, no, it was the cause of the amusement that could be used as a weapon. But what had caused it to be amused? What had I done? THINK!

It was looking at me again; its gaze made me nauseous. Logic didn't work. I decided to use a different strategy and get a little snarky with it: “I certainly don't wish to take advantage oout of the hands of my tormentor.” This bit of sarcasm helped me regain a small amount of self-control. But what would be the result of aggravating the monster? This retort had a physical effect on it. As the dark, ominous being drew closer, it was almost touching me now; anger, it felt like anger, but something else was there. Breathe...breathe...no, that sound again! It was laughing at me.

“Oh that's how you see me? You are the one who has been tormenting me. Constantly fighting and tricking me with your ridiculous questions. Who am I, indeed! You'll learn soon enough. Or maybe I'll keep you guessing...forever.”

The situation was getting unbearable. Pressed against the back wall of the closet, there was nowhere to go. Its presence was once again raising fear within me, and I had to do something. Think; I've felt a portion of this monster before. Somewhere in my past: but where? If I could only think.

“Thinking won't help you get rid of me. Go ahead, THINK...remember.” Was it taunting me?

Slowly, a flood of images swam before my eyes. It was a visual diary of every time I tried to advance. The time I started selling the handmade lace but stopped before it was lucrative. The time I taught kids how to skate and then stopped as soon as their parents offered to pay me. The time my friend Art offered to help me sell the enamel jewelry I made in the kiln, but something stopped me. There was the time I started writing short stories, and something stopped me. Every time I'd make an effort to do something that could have been a life goal, every time I started to feel good about myself, I was stopped, but...by what? Suddenly, the flow of memories stopped.

It was talking again. Gasping for air, I managed to say, “I've got you now, I know what you are.”

“You don't, I would know if you did and you don't know anything.”

“Ah, but I do know. And, more than that, I'm going to defeat you. I don't know how or why you stayed hidden for so long but that is all over now.” With every declaration, my strength was renewed. This made the monster shriek; such a terrible sound was this that it vibrated the door. The vibration was enough that it opened the door ever so slightly. Sensing the opportunity, I slid over, only a few inches more...to the opening, but the monster had grown too large. I couldn't get between it and the door. The bigger it got, the more fear rose in me...no, it was the other way around.

“You gave away too much, I know your name. How does it feel?”

“Feel; what are you going on about? You don't know anything. All I let you see was your past failings. You haven't done anything that wasn't cut short. Fail is what you are best at. You are less-than everyone you've ever met and I intend to keep you that way until you are going around the same mountain for the rest of your life. I am the reason you will never accomplish any goals. I've managed to rid you of hope and ambition.”

As it snarled out its revealing declarations, it got smaller and smaller. The smell became more of a whisper of embers. Reaching over, I opened the door. Light from the window in the next room came in, and as it did, I could see it. The monster was a smallish dark blue blob surrounded by a ring of oxblood. An ugly little blob; it no longer had any substance.

“Monster, your name is Fear. And, what's more, you...have no power over me anymore. Had I known this power was mine for the asking, I would have conquered you long ago.”

In a tiny, squeaky voice, Fear said, “What power? You are a mere human, and I am a monster with the power to strip you of all your high dreams and efforts of advancement.”

I laughed; it sounded strange because I hadn't laughed that child-like laughter for what seemed to be an eternity. Looking at the little blob, I said only one word, and the monster was gone. I knew it could return, but its strength could not, as long as I remembered this one word. One word, one powerful, life-affirming word, that was all it took...Faith.