I had dreams, but how did I end up here?

Nicole never imagined she would be a mother. After all, she had spent most of her twenties in her therapist's office unpacking all her family trauma. She wanted to stop the generational scaring, she saw her dad marry like his mother and her mother marry like her father. Which they both complained how those mentioned parents scared them throughout childhood. She had no intention of passing on any of the inherent trauma to another generation. Nor did she feel the societal pressure to marry and have kids, after all, she was a product of the Girl Power generation and expected to be working a career job, earning the same income as her male counterparts and retiring at an age well past her parents. Breaking the stereotypical norm that women can’t have careers because once they get married, they’ll have a kid, take advantage of the maternity leave and quit their job. Nicole was making it her life mission to break all the stereotypical norms.

Growing up, from the outside her family seemed normal, she came from an average upper middle class American family. But inside it was toxic, both parents battled their own mental health scares from their childhoods, bringing in habits they had wished their parents never taught them, but had no skills to manage their emotions or even knew could be corrected. Conflict was rampant, secrets were kept and lies were told, all to attempt in keeping peace throughout the house. But peace was a rarity with nervous systems operating at an elevated level always wondering when the next damning phrase would be uttered.

Life from a material level was never compromised, her and her sister never had to sacrifice anything, Christmas presents were always in abundance, summer and winter vacations were always assumed and locations became more and more exotic and they always had a hefty budget for back to school shopping each year.

As Nicole progressed through high school, career counselors began presenting different options and college recruiters were on weekly rotation through her school. During all these, next chapter type presentations, her sites were always on the career path, the college that would get her there with the most reasonable tuition rates. Common sense had told her, no need to pay for a fancy university when you get the same degree at another cheaper school. But no one expected her to finish college so they didn’t explain the importance of connections and networks it would take to get into a good solid career.

As her friends grew older and moved out of their sleepy upper middle class town, conversations began to discuss future weddings and with whom, when and where, everyone had their own fantasy of details regardless of a budget. She vaguely imagined her wedding but didn’t actually dream of a wedding like all her other female friends.

Nicole began to separate herself, instead focusing on her career path, exploring metro areas around the country, getting herself outside of her close knit network. Finding her own passionate network of like minded women who also shared the dream of forging a career path sans the dependency of a male partner and a nanny.

She settled into a great life, connecting with women who had ambitions of building their own careers, no discussions of becoming a stay at home mom and marrying partners that respected the same ambitions. As the years progressed she noticed although her friends still maintained their careers they were starting to have kids. Imagining her future self in awkward social gatherings she discussed with her therapist that finding a partner might bring long term happiness and healing while setting herself up with the right connections. The future of family life didn’t seem so scary. They mapped out personality details, demographic details all with the label of non negotiable. She figured, if she could dream up the ideal partnership, all the boxes could be ticked, then what was the harm in settling down with a lifelong partner.

Potential partners were courted and numbers were blocked, names were changed but eventually at random, she found the candidate that fit all her requirements, someone that had not been eager to settle down but when the right moment presented itself, they would be primed for courtship.

As they settled into their new life of adulthood, keeping their careers, one of them even catching a promotion, buying a house with minimal commuting impact and enjoying a heightened social life with their broader social network, being married and a working female wasn’t as bad as Nicole had imagined in her head all those years ago. Discussions of having kids had been done in casual conversation, they both weren’t set on the commitment and agreed current life was moving along just fine.

So when she found herself a well educated stay at home mom this felt like a scene out of a movie she could never relate to. As she tried to sip her 3rd cup of tea of the morning, the other 2 were a complete waste of time after they fell cold so quickly.

She longed for her old life when she could plan her morning tea around the chaos of morning meetings, impromptu phone calls as the morning reports were generated and emailed out.

Instead this weekday morning had a new level of stress and heightened precision to its schedule. Nap times were unpredictable, cluster feeding transitioned into her allocated shower time and laundry didn’t finish during the allocated time presented on the machine. So before the stress of a mid morning cup of tea being enjoyed in the middle of chaos, her skills had to change. Instead she drank it with choreographed grace to avoid spilling a drop of hot water on her daughter's sleeping head, avoid moving her arm in a way that sets the baby off balance and startles them or simply risk letting a perfectly good cup of tea fall cold yet again. Unknowingly the time it would take to to make another one and drink it whilst still maintaining the proper temp.

Her nervous system operated at a new level with heightened hormones, sleep deprivation, not from anxiety as a result of looming deadlines, but unpredictable night feedings and random blowouts well into the early morning hours, when no human should be forced out of their warm bed.

This morning, unsure if it was the cold winter days that just never seemed to end. It seemed to all come to a head, she had found herself with a mind unfulfilled, a mind that longed to be challenged in a deeper way than figuring the best buying strategy for her diaper inventory or keeping precise calculations of wake windows and feeding schedules. Analyzing her last meal whether it contained enough iron, calcium and protein for her breastfeeding daughter’s brain to develop properly so they could become a successful student and be accepted into the best colleges. And yet again, avoid being a well educated stay at home mom.

Deciding instead, if going to the grocery store or getting grocery delivery was a better use of her time and when she should call her friend back when she missed their call 2 weeks ago.

She felt like society had scammed her, never in her career profiles had this been something she put on her life plan like those other cheerleader type girls whose entire plan was to go to a good school so they could find a good husband that would support them in being the best stay at home mom.

But here she was 1030a sitting in a rocking chair watching the snowfall on a cold winter morning, a baby peacefully sleeping on her chest, sipping tea with a mind spiraling on an endless loop.