Saga of the Sea

CW: Suicide, mental health

Amanda and stood on the weather beaten wharf, gazing out at the churning gray waves. The Sea was angry today. The waves were high and fierce, hurling themselves against the wharf. Far out on the horizon, she saw the brooding dark storm clouds gathering. The sea gulls screeched above her with their eerie childlike cries. The cold wind chilled her, but she didn't care.

She was deeply lost in thought as she stood there. She thought about the irony of her situation. Samuel, her beloved husband, had never intended to be a sailor. He always planned on being a merchant.

Her father always referred to him as that "brash young man who took his oldest daughter away." He knew what he wanted out of life and didn't hesitate to go after it. Strong and lean with curly brown hair and piercing blue eyes the color of the Sea on a sunny day. He had stirred her heart from the their first meeting.

Soon after they were married on a beautiful Spring morning in 1854, they packed up and caught a train that took them to Westmont, a small New England town in Massachusetts on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean.

Mr. Aaron Smith, a friend of Samuel's family had promised him, not only a job, but a partnership in the only Dry Goods Store and Emporium in town. Oh! The pure bliss they enjoyed in those first two years of married life! Their humble clapboard college was to them a mansion! Samuel painted it blue to make it stand out from the other white ones. Blue, the color of the Sea and sky on a sunny day. She adorned it with flowers, inside and out. Roses, tulips, huge white Chrysanthemums. They furnished it piece by piece. First, a beautiful four poster bed. Next a breakfront. Table chairs and a love seat followed.

They loved each other, deeply, frequently and completely. Samuel enjoyed his job. He liked running the store, meeting people, dealing with the other merchants. He would also help when the captains of the various ships would need supplies. Amanda fit right in with the other women. She busied herself with domestic chores and church and charity work, teas and other social events of the town.

Alas, when life is going well, disaster often strikes. It took the form of a severe drought that ruined the crops of most of the farmers in the community. Those with skilled trades, silversmiths, carpenters, furniture makers and the like soon found themselves in dire circumstances. The Dry Goods store, that had once thrived, was now almost devoid of customers.

There wasn't enough business to keep two men working. Mr. Smith suggested to Samuel that he sign on as a seaman on one of the whaling ships that he and his brother owned. By the time he returned in a year, the economic depression should be over and he would have the wages from the voyage. He was also willing to advance him half of his expected wages, so that Amanda would have something to live on while he was gone. When Samuel pointed out that he had no experience as a sailor, Mr. Smith assured him it didn't matter.

Samuel presented the plan to Amanda after their meager dinner of roast potatoes and boiled cabbage. She was distraught to say the least.

"How could you even think of such a thing?" she asked through her tears. I don't think I could bear being without you that long.!

"I don't want to be away from you either, but we can't very well sit here and starve, now can we?" he asked.

"Why can't we move back to our families in Philadelphia?" she implored.

"And be a burden to them?" No I won't be a failure unable to provide for my wife!" The thought of that horrified Samuel.

They argued far into the night. Finally, out of sheer weariness, Amanda gave in. Samuel signed on as a seaman aboard The Commander.

The morning he left, was achingly beautiful The Sea perfectly reflected the brilliant blue of the sky above it. It was calm, the timeless rhythm of the gentle waves was reassuring. White clouds floated leisurely across the sky.

She insisted on walking him to the wharf where The Commander was docked. He gave her a gentle, lingering kiss on the lips. He dare not embrace her.

"Good-by my darling for now," he said.

"Good-by" Amanda whispered.

He turned and walked up the plank, into the ship. She wanted to run after him, to throw her arms around his neck, to drag him back down the gang plank. Instead, she waved and blew him a kiss.

She stood alongside the other wives and children waving and shouting "Good-by" over and over. Their voices traveled out over the Sea and faded away. Gradually, the group of well wishers drifted away. Amanda stayed until The Commander was a tiny speck on the horizon. She then walked back to her now loudly quiet cottage. She found no pleasure in her flowers, the furniture or anything that had recently been so dear to her. She flung herself across the bed and wept.

Hannah, Ruth and Elizabeth prevailed upon her to join their quilting circle. She had met these women when she first moved to Westmont. Hannah was the oldest at sixty. She was a plump, outgoing woman who had raised a brood of eight children along with her husband Seymore. Ruth, was a lot like her Biblical namesake: beautiful, tender hearted, totally devoted to her husband and children. Elizabeth was tall and energetic and liked to get things done. She and her husband, Isaac were childless because she was barren.

"You need something to occupy your time, other than pining for your husband. Something constructive. Idle hands are the Devil's workshop you know," said Hannah.

She came to enjoy the weekly quilting sessions. They were twelve in number and met every Wednesday. She was working on a new quilt for their bed and had incorporated material from one of Samuel's old nightshirts.

"It'll be a nice surprise for him when he comes home, I've never made a quilt before," she said.

How do you know for sure he's coming home?" Anne said matter of factly.

The room fell silent

"Anne, not now," pleaded Ruth.

"Why not? I'm just being truthful. He may not come back. Mine didn't. There are many young widows and orphans in the villages and towns along the coast. Only the Almighty knows for sure what will happen."

"That's where our faith comes in," Hannah said.

Amanda's spirit was crushed by Anne's mean spirited comments. Everyone tried to distract her, to keep her from brooding over Anne's remarks.

That Sunday in church, when the congregation stood to sing a haunting hymn asking God's protection over sailors, she wept openly as the words pierced her heart.

Eternal Father strong to save

Whose hand has formed the restless waves

Who bidst the mighty ocean deep

It's own appointed limits keep

O hear us when we cry to Thee

To those in peril on the sea

Rev. Edwards, noticing her distress, asked her to come to his study, so he could find out what was troubling her. She poured out her heart to him. She told him she would not be able to bear it if Samuel did not come back.

"Yes, it is a matter of faith, but also of trust. Sometimes when we say we have faith, we really mean we have faith that God will do what we want Him too. We must learn, however, to trust that whatever God chooses to do with our lives is up to Him. Like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, we must yield to His will. I cannot sit here and tell you that your husband will definitely return home. After all, I am a mortal human being like yourself. But I can tell you that God will be with you, no matter the outcome.

She left Rev. Edward's study still deeply troubled.

The months seemed to last twice as long as usual. She eagerly crossed them off her calendar. It seemed to take forever, but a year finally passed. Her Samuel should be returning soon. Sure enough there was a commotion in town one morning! A ship had been sighted!

People rushed excitedly to the wharf, Amanda among them. Finally she thought The ship was still a good ways off. She found herself pacing back and forth. It gradually got nearer and nearer. Close enough for her to read the letters on the side of the ship. "The Voyager," it said. Cries of joy and exultation went up and filled the air. Some of the sailors on deck, yelled out to their loved ones.

Amanda was dazed. She turned around and pushed her way through the celebrating crowd. All she could think about was The Voyager had left after The Commander. Yet it was already back.

After that, she made it her business, to go to the wharf every day no matter the weather to watch for The Commander. The townspeople got used to her doing this. Another year passed and still, no sign of The Commander.

Hannah, Ruth and Elizabeth made it a point, whenever they could, to insist she come in for a cup of tea or a bowl of soup and some conversation. Anything to take her mind off things. There efforts were only partially successful. She would insist she had to go to the wharf.

There she would stand, watching in vain for Samuel's ship, "You know where he is," she told the Sea. "Why won't you give him back to me?" There was never an answer.

One day Mr. Smith told her that the Insurance Company had paid a settlement on The Commander. "I'm so sorry, my dear. It's presumed to be lost at Sea." He wanted to at least give Amanda the rest of Samuel's wages.

She refused and told him the Insurance Company was wrong. They couldn't know for sure, she insisted.

Soon after that Amanda's friends noticed she was missing. A thorough search was made of the town. There was absolutely no sign of her.

Some people said she might have wandered off to another town and lost her memory. Others thought, in her despondency, she hurled herself into the Sea. Rev. Edwards said we must wait until the Day of Reckoning when the Sea will give up its dead and all its secrets. Some say they still see her from time to time. They swear they catch a glimpse of her....a lonely solitary figure standing on the wharf gazing out on the eternal Sea.