Mrs. Phoenix

This fine winter was so much like how I’m feeling—cold and dark. I’m grasping at a life that once seemed so serene and pure, so within my reach. I can still imagine how things were, even as I’m on my way to present myself for M.A.I.D.

So I caught the number five bus. It should be electric, but it meanders through these black streets, belching diesel fumes into the night. It is so cold. I look out the frosty bus window and shiver to the sound of grinding snow. Snow that made the bus’s tires squeal in protest.

Yes, I made up my mind. These damn voices in my head need to be taught a permanent lesson. And no, I don’t think that you have my best interests at heart. The “why do you have to be so dramatic,” and the “you’re still young!” are lost on me. You spout things that don’t resonate anymore.

You think I don’t notice what you’re really thinking, even as you fake being concerned. You want that piece of paper. But I threw it somewhere. Let them tear the house apart looking for that stupid ticket.

There. Everything's better now. Satisfied?

***

“Grandma always plays the lottery! Where is it?”

Suzy was 18 years old and furious. Her puffy, smudged face, with poorly applied makeup, usually made other girls laugh at her. But she didn’t care about that now.

Hob’s face mirrored Suzy’s anxiety. He wasn’t interested in arguing about where a ticket might be while searching through his mother’s belongings. Everything here is so old. What difference could a lottery ticket make for his mother now?

“Maybe she threw it out,” he suggested, as he carefully placed clothing items back in the way he had been taught to put them, folding the mothballed cashmere sweaters and blouses in just the right way. Then he closed all the dresser drawers with a flourish as if he could put everything behind him. A wish that he knew was hopeless.

Suzy ignored Hob as he sighed and turned towards the bedroom door. She knelt and started searching under the bed, pulling out old, dusty cases with broken lids, overflowing with memorabilia and framed photos. Soon, the floor was covered. There were baby pictures and family photos with Thanksgiving and Christmas backgrounds. She began to cry.

“There will be so many things we will have to throw out soon,” Hob almost said aloud. But he thought better of it. He tried to think of something else to say. But the effort left him feeling exhausted.

“Where is it!” Suzy screamed, finally. She stood up and gave Hob an accusing look. “I know Grandma’s numbers came up.”

“What numbers?” Hob answered.

“The ones she plays every week!”

“Oh. Those numbers.” Hob shrugged his shoulders. “How much did she win?”

But Suzy didn’t answer him.

***

I’m here. Glory be. The receptionist was so inviting. So friendly. It didn’t look like a hospital. More like a hotel with clean, up-to-date furnishings and carpets.

The only problem was the look the receptionist gave when she spied my travel bag. Too big. I was feeling a little sheepish about that. There were changes of clothes and some toiletries that I had brought along, a novel I hadn’t finished, and my cell phone.

I tried to calm myself down. How was I supposed to get used to it? Couldn’t I be allowed to go on living as I had since forever, just a little bit longer?

But that bit of awkwardness lasted only for a minute. Soon, the receptionist was up and about, apologizing for keeping me waiting even though I hadn’t been in the building’s foyer for more than five minutes.

“I’ll take you to your room,” she said brightly.

I followed her down this quiet corridor to the elevators. A swooshing sound surprised me as we stepped into one. Seeing my shock, the receptionist’s smile grew, and she apologized, muttering that “they needed to get a tech out so all the patients weren’t being scared.”

I think at that point I was supposed to laugh or make some comment, but I just wanted to get to my room, so I said nothing and only smiled back at her.

We arrived at this brown door, which looked just like all the others, and a key was produced to unlock and slide it open. A quick flick of the receptionist’s wrist turned on all the lights. It felt cold in the room, and I shivered, but the lights revealed a bed and several chairs thoughtfully arranged around.

I liked the color scheme and told the receptionist how much I approved of my new accommodations. Noticing that I was shivering, she said the room’s heat turns on when body heat is detected and that I would soon be comfortable. She then gave me a packet of what she called sedatives. “To calm my nerves,” she said.

“Sorry about there not being a kitchenette,” she added as she turned to go. “Your paperwork said that you would come here alone. I’ll have those chairs removed, seeing that they won’t be needed.”

“Oh, never mind that!” I said, surprising myself at how loud I sounded. “Those chairs help me imagine who might want to keep me company!”

The receptionist gave me a strange look, started to say something, then changed her mind. She pointed to a large button near the bed. “If you need anything, just push the button.” After that, she left me to my own devices.

***

Suzy had stopped crying. She went into the upstairs bathroom, wiped off her makeup, and grabbed a bar of soap to wash her face. Then she stared at the mirror, resolving to get to the bottom of the disappearing lottery ticket.

“You know where it is, Hob!” she yelled. “And don’t you dare pretend that Grandma didn’t win a whole fifteen thousand dollars!”

But Hob had returned to the Honda Accord that was parked in the laneway outside Grandma’s house. Sitting in the front passenger seat was Suzy’s mother. The faint sound of Suzy’s screaming could be heard outside the home and even through the car’s windows.

“Is she going to calm down, you think?” asked Suzy’s mom.

Hob shrugged his shoulders. “She’s plenty upset.”

“And you aren’t?”

“She is my mother…but her mind is made up. I can’t deal with that.”

Suzy slammed the front door of Grandma’s house and searched her pockets for the key. Locking the front door, she hurried down the front steps through the crusty snow to where Hob and her mother were waiting. Hob gunned the engine as Suzy entered the vehicle.

“What’s your hurry, Hob?” she asked as she did up her seatbelt.

“No hurry,” he replied calmly.

“Then take me to where Grammie is!”

Hob looked at Mom and sized Suzy up in the rearview mirror. He sighed.

“You won’t like where we’d have to go.”

“Take me there!”

***

I was starting to like the place, especially after I took the sedatives. It quickly became warm and cozy, and the bed provided just the proper support. There was a mini-bar stocked with small drinks and snacks. I knew I shouldn’t be drinking, not after taking some drugs. But I couldn’t resist the mini-bar. It reminded me of a time when we had a party at an odd hour of the night. All the stores and restaurants were closed, and the only food and drinks we had came from a hotel mini-bar. The final bill was astronomical.

That made me laugh. Oh, how we used to live, not counting the tomorrows, only living for the moment. So I helped myself, for old times' sake.

I think I was on my fourth shot glass of cheap whiskey and my second bag of chips. I'm so thin. Eating like a bird, and then acting like I can drink people under the table…that’s when the receptionist called. Her voice seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at once.

“You have visitors. Should I send them up?”

Now comes the funny part. I mean party. “Sure!” I slurred. How could I drink alone? Shame on me! There was a knock on my door, not a minute later.

“Come in!” I bellowed. In came my son, a daughter-in-law, and my granddaughter. Now my son was on his second marriage, and my granddaughter was not his child. Or was it the other way around?

“Look, we have chairs for you all!” I trumpeted. “I knew they shouldn’t take the chairs.”

The young girl looked very upset. She kept talking about a lottery. Said I won a lot of money. But how was I to know? I kept telling her I threw it away.

Hob, yes, that was his name. He’d say that it wasn’t too late, and I could still leave and go with them. Then he started to cry.

So I shrugged and looked to see who was left. I mean, who was left to party with, really?

“Mom,” she said. “You can call me that. Now that your number is up.”

Which got us both to hooting and hollering!

Then someone dressed in white came in—all official-looking with a stethoscope. She had a drink and a needle on a platter.

“All set, Mrs Phoenix?” she asked.

“Give me your best shot!” I answered.

Whereupon I drank it all down, the voices leaving me at last.

***

Suzy didn’t see much of Hob after the funeral. Something would always come up. It was Grammie’s cooking and her parties that held the family together.

Which wasn’t that great a loss. A young woman with so much to look forward to will always find a way. Except that Grammie’s money might have been a godsend for Suzy—especially with tuition and living expenses. She left the community college she was attending after only two years.

And you know what? At least the crematorium operator had his wits about him. One guilty search of Mrs. Phoenix’s body yielded an unexpected treasure. He pocketed it quickly, and no one was the wiser.