Taking The Shot

Finally, they were outside and away from the Saturday night crowd. Erik reached out his hand, his back to the midnight energy of U Street, and signaled Auri to come over to him with an underpalmed wave. The lights from inside the club reflected off the tears that began to well.

“When you’re ready,” Auri said with a sororal softness.

Erik took his sleeve and wiped away any traces of sadness coming from his eyes. “God, I haven’t had a cigarette in forever,” as he looked at some guy, not much older than him, face dimly lit by his phone as he scrolled through prospects while taking a drag.

“I stole some from my mom earlier. I had a hunch.”

“I didn’t get to tell you at the money meeting last night, but Vivian exploded on me the other day…”

“Wait, when you two went to KimBap House?”

“Yeah.”

“So is that why you were so quiet yesterday during the gye?”

“I think it’s because I don’t think she’s wrong.”

“Not wrong about what?”

“She said that I’m leading Paul and Felix on. I’m too old to be playing with people’s emotions; that I need to grow up.”

“Wow.” She looked down at her side and began searching through her purse. The warm orange glow highlighted her glassy skin as she lit the cigarette and passed it to Erik with her palm outward.

“Thanks, Noona. Please, don’t smoke on my account.”

“I was the one that got you started in the first place. Plus, it’s not like we do it on the regular anymore. Go on. So she said you need to grow up.” She looked upward and exhaled while she crossed her one arm under her other.

“Every relationship I’ve ever been in, I end up feeling like I’m selling myself out to be like the other person. I’m too accommodating. I’m never enough of what the other person wants.”

“Or, maybe, they’re never enough for you?”

“Maybe.” Erik tilting his head to the side, deflating his chest.

“So what’s got you all twisted? Was it what Vivian said or was it how she said it?”

“I think a bit of both.”

“Okay, so ignoring her delivery, what about what she said has you all upset?”

“Felix is great. He’s fun, light-hearted, easy to talk to. Everything for him is familiar to where I don’t have to explain everything, but he’s still got that West Coast freshness. The conversation just flows with him. He’s fun and is so accepting and supportive of everything. You can’t help but smile when you’re around him. Everything he does comes naturally to him.”

“Okay? Keep talking.”

“And Paul is Paul. The strong and silent type. Well, actually more quiet than silent. Anyway, he remembers every little thing, every conversation.”

“Yeah, he put me to shame when he got you the strawberry Pepero. We’ve been besties for how long and I never realized you had a favorite.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, Pepero Day. You both came into the cafe that day, remember?”

“No. Yeah… Huh? Wait, I remember now. He helped me carry the order to my car after we were all chatting, and he said you threw them in with my order.”

“Oh my God. That’s the cutest.”

“Wait... Then?”

“Why didn’t he say they were from him?”

“I, uh, don’t know.”

“He probably was nervous. It hadn’t been that long since we all really reconnected.”

“Yeah. That’s interesting though.”

“It sounds like they’re both safe in their own way.”

“What do you mean?” Erik’s brow furrowed over his right eye.

“Felix is a fresh start while still having the ability to understand how we all grew up. Life would be easy. He understands everything about you without actually knowing you. Also let’s face it - he gives off the boy-next-door kind of vibes, and no one is upset by that. But then you have Paul.”

“And what makes Paul safe?” his voice emanated with a genuine curiosity.

“The same thing that makes you terrified of getting close to him.”

“Oh, God. You’re not gonna go hard on me like Vivian did earlier, are you?”

“Since when have I –?”

“Tambae jo.” Erik extended an open palm towards Auri.

“Sure. Just a heads up, I have two more left.”

“That’s fine. We’re out of practice anyway.”

They lit their cigarettes and after their initial exhales, Auri continued. “Paul is safe because he knows what you’ve been through and will do anything to keep you safe. But it’s because he knows everything about you. To be honest, I didn’t pick up on it at first, but after we started having our money meetings, I started to think about all the things he did for us, for you, growing up. How he’d stop the bigger kids from bullying us, how he was the first to fix your flat tire that one time at church, how he’d always help you when you needed to unload your mom’s car with food. Maybe it didn’t register for him until all these years later.”

“Noona.”

“You’ll figure it out.”

“Well, I haven’t figured it out yet.”

“The Universe will give you a sign to figure it out.”

After a brief moment, Erik broke the silence “Time for a drink?!”

“Yes. A Long Beach for me, please!”

“Oh, shit.” Erik was patting himself down. “I didn’t give you my keys, did I?”

“No.”

“Aiish!”

“Ya!”

“Hold on, let me see if Shelby can drop off the other spare set.”

“The other spare set?”

“Yeah… about that…”

“You still have your wallet?”

“Yes.”

“You’re paying.” Auri let out a child-like chuckle.

“No problem.” He leaned in and kissed her on her forehead. He zigzagged his finger across the lower half of his phone. Thankfully Shelby was awake. “ETA is 15 minutes. She decided to go out I guess.”

“Wait. She has your keys? And is she by herself?”

“She keeps one of the spares on her keys at all times.”

“I didn’t realize you were that bad with your keys.”

“I used to wear my house key around my neck growing up, remember?”

“And I thought you grew out of that.”

“It’s a work in progress.”

“Should we order her a drink?”

“Lemme text her…” The glow and vibrations from his phone melded into the club’s backdrop through the windows. “Whiskey and Coke… and a Mojito?”

“Mojito? Oh, boy. That sounds very Felixy.”

“Yes. Yes it does. Here. Take my card and add two shots of tequila.”

“I’m fine with just a Long Beach.”

“They’re for me.”

“Okaaay” she said judgingly before biting the inside of her lip.

Erik’s movements became just a bit slower as the cool neon bar lights masked his red boozy glow. His arms crossed behind the back of the stool, he gazed across at the unifying rhythm of the dance floor.

“Gwenchana?” Auri said with her chin resting in her palm.

“Noona, is this what you meant by the sign the Universe was going to give me?”

“Huh?”

“I lose my keys and here comes Felix with Shelby.”

“You know I can’t answer that for you. Oh. Speaking of!” Her bangles dropped down her arm as she waved up high to catch their attention. “Maybe you should just tell both of them everything you’re feeling. Hold nothing back and see. You can’t be accused of playing games if you show all your cards.”

“Oh, bartender, one more shot!” Erik said, with a slight wave of his hand.

Auri leaned over the bar top, her coquettish grin catching the gaze of the bartender “Actually add two!”

“Same tab?” He smiled back, pointing his thumb over to the register.

“Yeah.”

“Why three?” Erik tilting his head, curious and confused.

“Shelby, Felix, and I’m drinking your shot. You’re DD, remember?

“Do I seem that buzzed?”

“No, but you might want one more drink in a little bit.”

Erik smirked at just how insightful Auri could be.

“Oppa, Unnie!” Shelby’s face greeted them through the crowd with a rosy aura.

“Shelby, I love your outfit!” Erik took a step back to assess her look.

“Aww, thank you! Oppa, do you want me to give you your keys now or wait until we leave.”

“Actually, I’ll take them.” Auri clipped his keys around his belt loop.

“Hey, guys! Oh, Auri, you want me to help you with that?” Felix said suggestively.

“Sure. This shot is for you, Felix. And this one's for you, Shelby.”

“Bro, you not drinking?” Felix said with playful disappointment, his palms facing upward by his waist awaiting Erik’s response.

“I’ll let you guys catch up.” His face tightened slightly.

“Okay. I don’t mind getting us all an Uber later if we need.” Felix rubbing Erik’s shoulder.

“Shelby, Felix, konbae!” Auri thrusted the shot between the three of them.

“Konbae,” the clinking of the shot glasses barely audible over the music.

“Thanks guys for bringing my keys. Hope we didn’t mess up your night.”

“Actually, it worked out. There was this skeezy guy that I think thought Felix and I were swingers and couldn’t take a hint.”

Erik laughed heartily at this. Auri, chuckled and asked, “Where were you guys?”

“Down on Connecticut I think?” Shelby glanced over to Felix, looking to him for the answer

“Cafe Limon.” Felix gave a gentle nod.

“Oh, I’ve been there. It’s been a long time though. Felix’s choice?” Erik’s face started to loosen.

“Yeah, how’d you know?” Felix said, giving off a slight chuckle.

“Everyone goes there for their mojitos.” Erik’s eyes locked in on Felix’s

“Am I that predictable?”

“You just like what you like.” Erik grinned.

“I can’t argue with you there.” Felix’s lower lip softened as he traced Erik’s jaw line with his gaze.

“Speaking of, Felix, here’s your mojito. Shelby, kachi-ka. I need to go to the bathroom. Grab your drink.”

“‘’Kay. You two boys behave. We’ll be back.”

“And if we misbehave?” Felix’s eyebrows raised, suggesting the possibility of some playful mischievousness.

“I wanna hear all about it,” Shelby scratched Felix under his chin as the girls walked away.

“Thanks for the drinks,” Felix anchored his sights towards Erik.

“Of course. How’s your first semester as a teacher going?”

“I’m beyond exhausted. You weren’t kidding.”

“How’s everything else going?”

“Dr. Patterson gave me my announced observation post-conference. Overall, highly effective.”

“That’s great!” Erik leaned in closer, giving Felix a hug from the side.

“Thanks for all your help.” He now glanced slightly upward towards Erik.

“Of course.” They both looked away from each other. Felix checked his phone while Erik stirred the lemon around in his ice. “Hey...”

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk real quick?” Erik’s face tightened again.

“Sure. You good?”

“Promise you won’t get mad?” Felix could see the glossy buildup of worry collect on Erik’s lower eyelids.

“I mean I’ll try not to.”

“Yaksok?!”

“Yaksok.” Felix grinned reassuringly as their damp pinkies interlocked.

“I just want to say I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“If I’m leading you on.”

“I mean–.”

“Let me just try and get all this out.”

“Okay, shoot.” Felix brought the drink closer to his chest.

“I love being around you, and I love that you fit in with the rest of us.”

“Are you professing your love to me?” Felix was trying his best to alleviate the tension with his typical style of humor.

“No. Yes. I mean–”

“Ha! Relax. Just trying to lighten things up where I can. Sorry. Go ahead.”

“I would be lying if I said that I didn’t have feelings for you. You’re always so laid back. Always smiling. When you’re around, everything feels fun and easy. And I don’t want to lose that feeling when you’re around.”

“But?”

“But Paul.”

“I mean it’s no secret.” The multicolored dancefloor lights sprinkled across Felix’s rueful smile.

“Vivian said that I’m leading you two on. If I have, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“She can speak for herself. I know what I’m getting myself into. Do I like you? Yes. I’ve also never had a group of friends like this back home, and I know there’s a special connection between us. Do I get jealous of Paul? Yeah, I do because he’s had you for all these years. From what I’ve gathered, you also had a rough go of it with your ex. Look. Even if you break my heart, I’m not going anywhere. Shelby would for sure fight you.”

“Feel-good Felix.”

“Yup, that’s me. Feel-good Felix. Spoiler alert though?”

“Umm, sure.”

“I got offered another teaching job back home.”

“The one your parents wanted you to apply to?” Erik said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

“Yeah, but I turned it down.”

“What? Why?”

“I decided to stay...Told my parents I found something worth sticking around for.”

The girls approached, sipping drinks while laughing with arms intertwined.

“Not enough time to misbehave?” Shelby said, as her cheeks pushed her eyes upward.

Auri shielded her face with the backside of her hand as she spoke into Erik’s ear. “Uh, Erik. Paul nawaseo.” The laughter fell to the floor as concern washed over Auri’s face. Erik’s head away from Shelby’s as his eyes locked into hers. Shelby mouthed from across the table “Oppa, eottoke?” Felix’s eyebrows raised, deepening the wrinkle of his forehead.

Auri discreetly reached below and grabbed Erik’s hand. “Oh, Paul, Matty, and Danny Seung?!” Auri’s voice softened. Danny’s guest appearances were always good at keeping the mood light, though it was unlikely that Danny actually came in with Paul and Matty.

Felix wrapped his arm around Shelby’s waist. “Wifey, wanna dance? See if we can pick up a third?” he asked, trying to disarm himself.

Shelby’s laughter broke everyone’s tensioned countenance. “Alright, hubby, but I get to pick him out this time.”

“If you insist.” The two of them found a break in the crowd and wove themselves in.

Auri applied her chapstick and dabbed the remainder on Erik’s lower lip with her ring finger. “Well?”

“What should we do?”

“Did you talk to Felix?”

“I did.”

“Guess that means it’s Paul’s turn.”

“Um… So, like, right now?”

“Hwaiting!” Auri flashed the back of her hand in the shape of a fist, her voice pushed him as a means of support.

“Why is this so hard?”

“Just dance. I’ll be right there next to you. You owe me though. Dancing with Matty. Nicole is gonna love that.” Her eyes rolled upward as her smirk followed.

“Yeah. Okay. Right. Hwaiting!”

The two of them quickly entered the undulating mass. Everything became a blurring streak of light as Paul stood there, a still beacon among the dancing.

“Erik?” Erik watched as Paul’s eyes grew, mouth now agape.

“Hey.” Erik’s permissible nod broke Paul out of his stiffness. Erik looked up, though his lower lids were tense. Was he doing the right thing? The music washed over them as their shoulders rocked to the beat. Paul’s chest was perfectly parallel to Erik’s. Every pull back was matched with the other moving in just close enough before touching. The deep vibrations from the speakers hummed from beneath them. The lights swirled across their faces like miniature pictures, memories from all the years they had known each other. For the first time, Erik looked straight into Paul’s eyes. Terraced layers of brown poured into the hidden depths of his pupils, a winter forest surrounded by snow. Paul cupped his hand against the nape of Erik’s neck. The warmth from Paul’s hands released a deep longing that Erik couldn’t quite articulate. Erik pulled Paul’s hand around and rested it against his heart. They swayed to every beat. Everyone around them was lost in this moment. Paul’s trembling fingers felt the beating of Erik’s han and realized they were the same. Just then, Erik couldn’t stop thinking to himself, ‘Eottoke… Eottoke?” What was he to do?