Fish Tale

I wonder what goes on outside of the tank. I wonder if Auratus can see more of the world with his bulging eyes. I wonder if Ventous knows how annoying it is when his teeth scrape the glass while he eats the algae. I wonder if Pisces is mad at me for eating all our children.

The small male person comes up to the tank and interrupts my wondering by tapping on the glass. No matter how hard I try to ignore the tapping, I can't help but swim towards the vibrations. I am ashamed of how I perform like some pavlovian robot. He sprinkles a bit of food into the tank and I feel another layer of self-determination peel away.

The tiny female runs in after the male. She is screaming about it being her turn. Shit, he's going to let her have the food. She'll dump too much in making the water taste like decay for weeks. Yep, there it is. She dumps flakes in the tank, on the floor, everywhere. The male grabs the food away. They are both yelling now. The small male ignores the mess in the tank and starts to sweep up the mess on the floor. Is it too much to ask for a water change from time to time?

The tiny female wants to help sweep up the mess. She grabs at the broom, but the small male keeps it just out of her reach. Frustrated, she grabs the food container and threatens to pour it all out. The small male snatches the container out of her hand and empties it into the tiny female's hair. She slaps the male and starts crying. I count the bubbles from the plastic diver until the big female comes in to shout and wave her finger at them. When she has shouted and waved her finger enough to get them both crying, she sends them from the room, sighs and brings in the vacuum cleaner.

The noise of the vacuum shakes my scales and sets my teeth on edge. I am a mess until the noise of the vacuum stops and the big female leaves. I flex my gills and enjoy the peace until Pisces brings his colorful self over for a quick mating. He's no great shakes as far as guppies go, but he's the only eligible male in the tank, so I tolerate him and his amorous attention.

As the light coming from the window fades, the big male comes home. He stands in the center of the room and calls for the people to join him. He makes a proposal that has the small people jumping up and down while the big female looks like she wants to eat her young.

The next few weeks are crazy in the house. The small people ask rapid fire questions about their new rooms while the big female makes piles of clothes, toys, dishes and everything else in the house. The piles move around as some items get packed in boxes, others move to different piles and many items are dragged outside to the trash.

When the big male comes home after work, the big female meets him at the door with a long list of things for him to do. Her voice shows more stress each day. She is right when she claims that nothing gets done unless she does it. The big male complains about the cost of eating out since she is not cooking anymore. The shouting lasts through the night until the big male leaves for work in the morning. I don't get much sleep for all the noise. I would take a nap while the big male is away at work, but the small people are out of school and play unruly games that are noisy enough and get noisier when the big shouts at them to be quiet.

After the big fights, the big male comes home with gifts of flowers and candy. The big female has stopped forgiving him. She says she will not move. The new house is bigger and will take more work to keep clean. The big male grumbles and takes his gifts out to the trash. He looks like he thought of something clever when he comes back. His brilliant idea is to hire a cleaning service for the new house. The big female is still in the mood for arguing, but the doorbell rings. It is the delivery guy with dinner. A pall settled over the tank when the big female unwrapped boxes of fish and chips. The small people ate a few bites before running off, leaving the remains on the table in macabre heaps.

Moving day finally comes and brings its own trauma. The big female insisted that we are the big male's fish, so he should move us. He hunts around for the net he uses to take dead fish out of the tank. He takes them whether we are done saying good bye or not. He holds the net as far away from himself as he can and carries the dead fish to the bathroom. I cry when I hear the toilet flush. Getting flushed is bad, but getting scooped alive and plopped in an old mayonnaise jar is worse. The water makes my gills burn. There are chemicals in the water and very little oxygen. Thankfully, I pass out and when I come to I'm back in the tank in a new room. The bubbler is clearing up the junk in the water that is stirred up from the move. Pisces was missing, replaced by a red and blue beta named Liberace. He's a show off and a jerk. I wish Pisces was here to help chase him out of my side of the tank.

The big male tells the family that the room we are in is his den and no one is allowed to come in - especially the small people. The big female looks like she would be happy to stay out if it meant she didn't have to listen to his patriarchal BS. You tell him, girl!

I am getting used to the bad water. There is still pain in my gills, but I can ignore it if I sit still on the bottom. The tank is just not the same without Pisces. Auratus thinks he is being helpful when he swims over and says, "Sorry about Pisces getting flushed." Are all goldfish such assholes?

The big female comes into the den when the big male is at work. She has bags under her eyes that have been dragged down by the weight of the world. She dabs at a stain on her blouse with a well used rag. The stain does not come out. Water starts to come out of her eyes. She leaks for a long time before she curses, wipes the water away and gets up determined to face the house.

I wish fish could make water come out of their eyes. It seems therapeutic. The eye water seemed to wash away the big female's sadness. I have some sadness that could use a good wash. I can't talk anymore. This is the end of my story.

The story goes on! I forget all the sadness that was draining my life away. My secret? No, I did not learn to make water come out of my eyes. My salvation is something much better - cleaning services! After loud complaints from the big female, the big male makes a call and a female with a black skirt shows up at the house. She is young and full of energy. I hear her loud music while she works on the rest of the house. Then, she comes to the den. The big male gives her lots of instructions about taking care of the tank. She thinks we are "Lit" and watches us swim for a long time. She goes and when she comes back the next day, she brings a new male guppy. The best news is - he is hot! Slim with dark eyes, string rippling fins and his scales are the sexiest colors! I'm in love. I call him Flash. His best feature is that Liberace doesn't like him at all. He waves his fins violently until Flash darts at him and chews up the edges. Way to go! I swim over and follow Flash around until we mate. I must do something right, because we mate several times a day now. Life is good.

In the rare moments when Flash doesn't have my fins quivering, I watch the female in the black skirt clean the room. She neatens the piles of papers on the desk even though the big male asked her not to. She opens the windows and runs a feather duster over every surface. When the small people sneak in and leave a mess, she cleans it up and doesn't tell the big male about their trespassing. Best of all, she taps just the right amount of food into the tank, cleans the filters and cleans any algae off the glass that Ventous missed. It's nice living in a clean tank. We are all healthy and looking our best. Especially Flash.

I lure Flash in for a little afternoon mating when the big female comes into the den. She sits in the black leather chair by the desk and picks up each item on the desk. She holds a photo that makes water come out of her eyes. This time she makes sad sounds and her body spasms. I watch curiously until Flash swims by and tickles me with his gorgeous fins. My body wants him, but I can't take my eyes off the big female. I float in place glued to her until she pulls up the edge of her outer layer to dab her eyes. She pushes her outer layer back in place and leaves. I let Flash mate with me while I think about what is making the big female sad.

People can peel off their outer layer. It's true. I see the big male and the female with the black skirt do it. The female sits on the desk while the male peels her. She is a coral color all over. The male peels himself. He is a shade darker and has hair everywhere.

It takes longer for them to mate than when Flash and I do it. The big male and the female with the black skirt spend a long time rubbing their fins all over each other. Then they lock each other in their fins and flop around together until they make loud sounds that make me want to find Flash for a little mating of our own. After the provocative sounds, they look around the den and collect the layer they peeled. I can't believe what I see! They put the peelings back on their bodies! Gross! When the peelings are all in place, they push their faces together. The female in the black skirt leaves. The big male sits in his chair and whistles.

Somewhere in the house, the big female is screaming. In between the screams, the big male pleads. The big female screams some more. The big male makes angry sounds. The big female sobs like when the water was coming out of her eyes. All the sounds come at once. The front door slams open and closed. The big male's new sports car roars to life and tires squeal.

I miss the cleaning service. No one has come into the den since the big male drove off. I think the big male will come back with gifts. I still think that when the tank turns green. I wonder what happened to the female with the black skirt as I get hungrier and hungrier. Liberace died. Flash and I eat him until all that is left is a few bones. The tank is so green that I can't see out. I'm hungry again.

I wonder if the big female is spilling water from her eyes. I wonder why the small people don't come into the den anymore. I wonder what happened to the female with the black skirt. I wonder if Ventous is getting fat on all the algae. I wonder if Flash is out there in the green water. I wonder if I'll live long enough to eat my next brood.