Uncomfortable Encounter

CW: Substance abuse, physical violence

It was a million years ago, and yet, I would have recognized him anywhere. I shivered as goose bumps rippled through me.. So many memories flooded like a punch. Why I thought this would never happen I don’t know. I came home. He never left. What did I expect? I’d actually been home a few times over the years, but laid low and luckily until today had avoided any uncomfortable encounters.

He turned and looked my way. Right at me! I wondered if I looked the same to him or if he would walk on by and leave me, unrecognizable. I hoped the latter.

I held my breath. He was coming toward me with a grocery cart, full by the look of it, and mine with only three items in it. Nothing to hide behind. I could ditch up an aisle, but ten to one he would meet me in every one of them….unless he was done? I stopped and looked down into the frozen bin and pretended I was interested in all the various yogurts.

‘Please keep going, please keep going’. A silent plea.

Oh my God. He walked by. Thank God! I wasn’t ready for this and I never would be. To think I thought I could sneak into town and leave again and never run into him. The town was ten times the size now as it was when we were kids and there were a dozen or more grocery stores. As fate would have it, not enough of them.

I kept my head down and quickly hurried through the aisles. I tried to remember what was on the grocery list that I had left on the kitchen table. Mom asked me to pick up something, but what the hell was it? I was drawing a blank.

She’d offered to pick up the groceries but I had insisted. I was cooking the dinner tonight so I thought it best I pick up the things we needed. I hadn’t even unpacked yet so I guess I should have stayed and done that and given her the list. Too late now. My luck had run out!

I checked out the tills but Eddie didn’t seem to be in any of the line ups. I started to calm down and concentrate on the job at hand. Getting the hell out of here. I hope mom remembered what kind of wine I like.

But, I digress. A little history here. Eddie and I were married a life time ago. It obviously wasn’t a success and divorce the inevitable outcome. We were teenage sweethearts with ups and downs since I was sixteen, he was seventeen. We broke up and got back together multiple times in those five years before taking the plunge and getting married. In those days that’s just what you did….or so I thought.

My dad didn’t like Eddie much and maybe that was part of the incentive to hang in there. I think we both knew it wouldn’t work, but we plunged ahead with a great big wedding. Oh there were happy times but as time went on they grew fewer and fewer and the bad times took over.

Eddie drank. That was our downfall. When he was sober, he was really quite nice, but with a few drinks in him, look out! When he was drunk, which was almost daily you minded your p’s and q’s. Then, in those times, I was afraid. He was unpredictable. Mentally and physically I was abused.

One of the hardest things to wrap my head around was the ‘not knowing’. I never knew if he was coming home after work or he would end up at the pub instead. Most of his friends were still single so the incentive to join them was too strong for Eddie. He much preferred their company to mine.

Many nights he didn’t come home at all and I never knew if he went to work in the morning or he didn’t. I would phone and call in sick for him only to find out that he was there. Other times I didn’t phone to bail him out and he would rant and rave that I should have done exactly that. There was no rhyme nor reason to his way of thinking. I was afraid he would lose his job.

We would be invited to friends homes for an evening and he would not show up. It got so frequent that they quit asking us and gradually we had almost no couples to visit.

Yes, it was such a long time ago, but vivid memories surged to the forefront as I loaded the trunk of the car.

“Linda?”

As I turned, he walked right up to me. “I thought it was you. Long time no see. I see you still colour your hair”.

I didn’t feel the need to respond to that remark. “How are you?” I finally found my voice and forced myself not to tremble. I didn’t want him to know he still had that effect on me. Clearly, he was oblivious.

“What brings you back here?” he asked.

“Just came back to see my mom.”

“Gosh, I haven’t seen her in ages. How is she doing?”

“She’s fine, how’s yours?” I hated this small talk and my mind was racing, trying to think of an excuse to get away. “Well, I should get going. I’ve got to get back. I’m cooking tonight.” I knew I was dithering and stumbling over my words but he'd caught off guard. I was not prepared at all for this confrontation.

“Well, good to see you again.” I lied, turned and opened up the driver’s side door. I stepped into my car. “Say hi to your mom for me.” My car came to life as I pressed the fob.

And that was that! No harm done. No formal goodbyes. No regrets from either one of us.

I will digress once again and say that all those years ago, I had a baby girl. Her name is Joanne. He never asked me about her today, and 'why' should he, I guess. She’s the reason I finally pulled the pin and said “I’ve had enough.” I could not bring a child up in a volatile household so I left. He didn’t care. He didn’t want anything to do with her then and never has.

Over the years I have been honest and told Jo everything and when she wanted to meet him about age seven, I asked. He said “NO”. He had other children by then and they didn’t know anything about her. That was a difficult conversation for a little girl to take in, but you know what? We were better off. I didn’t have to share her, and to this day, she’s still just mine.