The Weight of Paper

The Weight of Paper

Day 1

I don’t normally explore houses this far off the main highway. That’s a great way to get yourself killed these days. The highways at least have other travelers around to witness, and we all know about traveler justice. But structures off the beaten path, especially empty ones? Forget it.

But that little voice inside told me to take a chance. And what a find!

Not that I’m surprised anyone left it behind; things like this aren’t exactly useful in the world that’s left, except for tinder. It was like a library house. Books stacked everywhere..

I think I’ll stay here for a few days. There’s still some split wood, a fireplace, comfortable reading chairs and a shitload of books. I’ve got enough food for at least a couple of days, maybe a week.

Maybe I can set up a stall on the highway for all the travelers someday. It could be like a library…like how we used to be.

Day 3

I wish I had space in my pack for everything I’ve found! I tried looking for something I could trade for a shopping cart or something to carry it all in, but no dice. Although I did keep the copy of Kitchens of the Great Midwest (a favorite of mine ever since meeting the author in a bar).

Just think about it: I could’ve been the end of times book seller. Going from traveler camp to traveler camp like a walking library. But I don’t think people read any more.

But it’s not every day that you find an untouched, leather-bound journal and Japanese pen set. It was worth leaving behind my copy of The Road to make room. It was starting to feel a little real at this point any ways…

Who wants to read the apocalypse while you’re living in it?

Day 13

Found a small town about a quarter of a day’s hike down a two-lane highway. Nothing but a collection of small houses, a main street drag, some pine forests, and an old gas station. The “mayor” of the town, Sally, said I could rent one of the houses for something useful to trade, as long as I didn’t mind that someone probably died in it. Her long, gray hair was tied in a bun, with at least two pencils sticking out of it.

I gave over my extra can opener and a tin can full of good nails for the month’s rent. She traded through the service window in the gas station. Said she wouldn’t dare come in contact with the virus. Can’t say I blame her. She said I could trade books for rent in the future if I had to.

“Books don’t go bad!” she cackled.

Most of the other houses were picked through, but I found one a few blocks from the gas station. A copse of firs in the backyard and a porch in the front. An empty garage and two bedrooms. More than I had before the sickness broke out.

There’s a desk. I threw out the computer. No good without any electricity. Maybe if I can find a typewriter, I can finally write my novel.

Day 31

“Not much of an attack dog,” was the first thing I heard her say to me, the woman I met at the Library House. Her gray pitbull couldn’t have been happier to see me. All wiggling butt and happy grunts. The woman stood backed into a corner, holding a copy of The Girl Who Drank the Moon in one hand, and a hunting knife in the other.

“Are you gonna make me read YA fiction or stab me? I don’t know which is worse,” was all I could think to say. It should’ve sounded clever. She called me a pretentious asshole. Still, she relaxed a little.

She kept biting her lower lip when she looked at me. She only glanced once at the machete on my waist.

“What’s the dog’s name?” I asked.

“Fuck you.”

“Weird name for a dog.”

She rolled her eyes and groaned. “What do you want?” Her grip tightened on the hunting knife.

“I’m just getting some books for a friend at our camp. She likes to read and trade them. Says they never go bad. This place is like a library. Pretty cool, huh?”

She told me to “just take my shit and go.” Her dog looked skinny, but still knocked me over with its wiggling butt. I told her that Sally might have some dog food in storage if she wanted to come by. She turned me down. I told her I’d be back in a few days. And I’d be sure to knock next time.

She sighed, called the dog to her, and then moved towards the back of the house. I might have tripped over the door frame on my way out. I hope she didn’t see.

At least, I think that’s how what we said went down.

Day 34

I went back to the Library House today. She was still there. I knocked (as promised) before entering. She was sitting in one of the large chairs, reading the book I’d saw her with the other day, almost done with it.

“I read that book a few years ago, before everything happened,” I told her. “I cried like a fucking baby at the end.”

“Don’t ruin it!” she yelled.

I apologized.

I told her that Sally might have a place for her. Winter would be here soon, after all. The travelers would abandon the roads. There’d be no one to trade with. She said she’d think it over.

“I haven’t named the dog yet,” she told me as I was leaving. “I found him before you showed up. I’ve just been calling him ‘Dog.’”

“Better than Fuck Off, I suppose.”

She went back to reading her book.

“I’m Charlie.”

“Kai,” she said without looking up.

I hope she agrees. Sally’s taste in literature is a bit…old fashioned (think trashy romance novels. Ugh).

Day 37

Tried to go out to the highway today to trade. There was violence among the travelers. All the stands were closed for a trial. I’ll have to come back another time.

Day 38

Went back to trade with the travelers again today. One of the stalls had two fresh fingers hanging next to the sign of the cart. Guilty verdict. First offense.

Traded a bar of soap for new laces for my boots.

Day 50

That Kai woman from the Library House moved into the neighborhood a few days ago. The first time I’ve seen Sally leave the gas station was to pet the dog.

I’ve been spending my days cutting wood and trying to board up the house for the winter. Dog likes to spend time in my front yard and Kai usually has to come get him. She always seems annoyed by it, but she stays in the yard long enough to talk about whatever we’re reading. She even joked about starting a book club.

I gave her some preserved fruit as a housewarming gift. She smiled and bit her lip when she thanked me.

Day 56

Sally gave me a hunting rifle today. Said she’d give us both a month of free rent for every deer we brought in. I’ve never been hunting before, but Kai has. She said she’d show me how.

I joked about how this was a weird first date.

She rolled her eyes and told me to fuck off.

Day 67

I traded with some of the travelers on the road today. Some took the books in exchange for some tools. I was looking for a typewriter, but I guess that was hard to come by even in the before times.

Some people were still happy to find something to read. Entertainment just isn’t what it used to be.

Day 71

Kai’s really pissed at me. We were at the Library House, looking for books, when she stumbled on a copy of Brave New World. I made some comparison to 1984 and I guess I thought she had read it already. When I mentioned the ending, she got real quiet.

“You can carry the fucking books home,” was all she said.

I spent the next three hours watching her stomp through the packed snow, ignoring my calls to wait up.

Day 74

Kai came by yesterday with Dog and a bottle of whiskey she found in her house. Her version of an olive branch. She apologized for storming off. I said I was sorry for ruining the ending for her.

We ate dinner together, and drank, and laughed a lot. She spent the night. We spent most of this morning in bed, moaning about our collective hangover.

I miss aspirin.

Day 88

Sally dropped off our half of the venison today, with some canned goods too. Said she heard on the radio that a storm should be coming our way and we should hunker down.

Kai decided to stay here during the storm. “Dog likes your fireplace better anyway,” she said with that sly grin of hers.

To my knowledge, she doesn’t have a fireplace in her house.

Day 91

I told her I loved her today. We were huddled next to each other on the sofa, reading by candle light. “I love you too, Charlie,” she said, draping my arm around her and kissing my cheek.

She sighed contentedly, like how Dog does when he’s by the fire. We read for hours under blankets waiting for the storm to end.

Day 112

Kai decided to move in. She announced this by dropping two copies of Never Let Me Go on the table. “We’re starting a book club!” she declared. Kai’s copy had a fancy bookmark with a yellow tassel on the top. Where she found two copies of the same book, I’ll never know, but I love the idea of book club. It was still bitterly cold outside, but she didn’t have much to move in that couldn’t wait until spring.

“You’re gonna love having someone around to eat your cooking.”

“Do you mean you, or Dog?”

“Guess you’ll find out. Maybe if you’re good, I’ll knit you a scarf.” Kai found a bunch of yarn and a book on knitting in one of the other houses a few weeks back. Dog ended up with her first attempt at scarf-making. It’s pink and blue and he always has this dignified, proud air when she puts it on him.

Day 129

The weather is changing. It’s getting warm again. Kai has been talking about planting a garden when the ground thaws. I’m sure some of the travelers might have seeds that Sally doesn’t have.

Day 131

Some traders came by today. A couple and a younger woman. Don’t know how they found the place, but the young woman was thrilled at the amount of books we had on hand. I didn’t tell her about the Library House. I should’ve shared with her, but I couldn’t. Besides, they’d probably walked by it any ways on their way in.

She hugged Dog, hugged us. She probably would’ve hugged Sally if she’d left the trading booth.

Day 133

We felled another deer yesterday, so I thought I’d celebrate by cooking off the last of what we had. I stood over the stove, Dog sitting patiently for scraps, Kai knitting at the table.

“What do you miss about before?” she asked, still focusing on her work.

“I dunno,” I said. “Probably my record player. I miss music. You?”

Her needles stopped clicking. She shook her head and cleared her throat.

“Not much. But I do miss boba.”

Day 135

Kai was kinda irritable today. The weather was nice, so we took Dog with us to take another run at the Library House. We filled our backpacks with books and some leftover silverware since this had been an order from the few travelers we saw last week.

It took us a little longer than usual to get back. Dog was sniffing around and Kai kept lagging behind. After dropping off our find, she went upstairs to lay down. I told Sally I’d help her organize the book stacks after a quick break and some lunch.

It’s nice to see winter on its way out. Kai’s been talking about her garden a lot lately. I’m hoping she’ll grow something fun.

Day 139

Kai won’t leave her room.

She’s saying she’s sick. She’s moved into the room across the hall. I keep telling her that if she has it, I have it. She says she won’t risk it.

She only opens the door to go to the bathroom or get food or let Dog out/in.

I fell asleep propped up against the door last night. She brushed her slim fingers over my head when she let Dog out. I could tell she’d been crying.

Day 140

Sally dropped off some food, along with a note that read, “don’t leave the yard of the house unless you wanna get shot.” Dog keeps scratching at the door to get in to the room.

Kai still won’t let me sleep next to her.

Day 142

She let me in today as Dog was leaving for his afternoon stroll. I laid down next to her, being careful not to hold her too tightly. She didn’t argue. Her hair still smelled so much like her.

It took everything not to fall asleep next to her. I know she wouldn’t want that right now. Just in case.

“You remember when we met at the Library House?” she asked.

“Of course,” I said. “How could I forget?”

“I could tell you were a good person then. Even if you were a fucking nerd.”

I stifled a laugh and buried my nose in her hair, pulling her as tight as I could dare.

“I understand why you cried at the end of The Girl Who Drank the Moon.”

“’My love is boundless. My heart is infinite. And my joy expands and expands. You’ll see.’ Or something like that.”

“Yeah,” she whispered, “something like that.”

She clutched my hand and pressed against me. We stayed that way until she was drifting off again. I kissed her forehead, letting her know I’d wake her before dinner.

Day 151

She’s been dead almost two weeks. And I ran out of whiskey today.

I wrapped up her body and put it in the garage until the ground fully thaws.

Dog won’t stop scratching at the door to the garage. He’s already ripped out a chunk of the molding.

I gave him to Sally to watch last week. I couldn’t fucking take the sound of it anymore.

Day 152

I put a sign in front of the house where I first met Kai:

Library House: Take all the books you need.

I thought about tacking Kai’s bookmark to it, but I couldn’t give it up.

Day 1

The boy from the old Hofstad house came by today.

He didn’t even want to trade for this book. Just muttered something like, “It’s too damn heavy to carry,” and threw it on the counter.

I have to keep my ledgers of trade somewhere. As of this date:

Incoming: 1 quarter-used, leather-bound notebook, cover slightly scuffed.

Outgoing: Nothing.