A Year We All Still Feel

I don’t usually find a need to date my journal entries, but this year was a bit different. This year, people around me knew it was me. You see, I’ve been keeping an online diary for the past 6 years. It began as something anonymous; however, people around me started realizing that I had been up to something. Some began to investigate. My secret was no longer secret.

16th March 2020

Things have changed. The air is a bit different. They’ve told us we’re on an indefinite spring break. There’s an insurmountable amount of confusion; everyone has a different perspective. A friend of mine thinks that they are using this as an excuse to probe us with trackers.

19th March 2020

Everyone’s left. There are only 11 of us left in the dorm. The days when the courtyard was filled with smiles and vibrancy feel like they are long gone.

Yesterday, my roommate told me to pack my bags and go with him. I’ve only known him for just shy of 2 months. He told me, “My mother told me to tell you to come with me. I live far from here, and mama says she doesn’t know what’s happening and when it’ll end, so just come with me.”

I said I appreciate it, but whatever this is will probably pass in the next couple of weeks. Regardless, my closest friends decided to stay, so I might as well stay too.

23rd March 2020

Today was a good day.

All we do every day is smoke. We spend our mornings taking classes online. I mean, we all log in to them, but none of us attend; we just message that we have horrible internet connectivity in the little chat box.

I’m not sure of the last time I had a full day sober; all we do is smoke perpetually.

2nd April 2020

It’s been sickeningly cold the past 4 days. The courtyards are completely covered in snow. Though there’s no one to put plastic bags under their bums and slide down them anymore.

Dad called today, he told me that there’s a flight I can take in 3 days. It’s the last one for the next couple of weeks at least. He wants me to get on it, he doesn’t know what’ll happen, and he wants me back home.

Oh, and they’re starting something called quarantine. I’m not too sure about the details yet.

6th April 2020

I decided not to leave. I’m not too sure if it was a mistake. My friends and I are continuing our daily routine, but my head hurts. I’d like to take a break. I just don’t know what to do if I don’t see them. There are no classes to go to, and they’ve prohibited entering or exiting the campus after 4 PM.

Everything’s fine, more or less. The internet says the world’s gone crazy. Mama called me and told me that they aren’t even allowed to leave the house back home. I’m glad I chose not to go home; I might have been stuck indoors. At least here I’m allowed to be out and about on campus until 9 PM.

13th April 2020

My phone broke, and my laptop battery became puffy. I’m not sure what that means exactly, but my friends told me that if I use it, it’ll explode. So I’m writing this in the computer lab. I think I’ll end up having to visit the lab regularly if I want to keep writing. I can’t really leave and get either of them fixed because everything’s closed.

Today, they banned ordering food from the outside. We get two meals from the University, one at 2PM and the other at 5PM. A friend of mine said that we burn the meal off by the time we walk back to our dorms after getting them.

I made him sandwiches with the last of my turkey and mustard. He was happy.

20th April 2020

I’m quite busy today, can’t really think. It’s 4/20.

26th April 2020

My mind hurts, I’m quite fed up with this life.

I told my friends I’d like to go sober, but I lasted 2 days. Well, I’ll be honest, I lasted 25 hours.

This reminds me of when I was in England 2 years ago, and I spent my days high on cocktails, and I spent my nights drunk on cocktails. Things weren’t the best back then. I was trying to prove I was someone I wasn’t. You see, it was my first time outside of my home country, and I really wanted to make friends. So all I did was follow what the people around me did. In an attempt to fit in, I found myself waking up in different places every morning.

Sometimes I’d wake up in someone else’s bed. Bottles and pills were everywhere around us. The lights were dim and red. I don’t like red lights anymore. Other mornings, I’d wake up just shy of my room’s door, collapsed on the staircase, and smelling like misery.

Wait.

One morning, haha, this is quite funny.

They were building this drain or something, I’m not sure, but they were planting a huge pipe in the ground right outside my place. I think it was either sewage or water because the pipe was really thick. Though before they put the pipe in, there was this massive ditch. It was quite deep.

One morning, I woke up in the ditch. My pelvis was bruised purple, and I was covered in dirt. Some neighbor of mine in the student housing told me that I had been running at night, hit a trash can… crotch first mind you… and collapsed in the ditch.

All I asked him was why he didn’t help; he said he was afraid he’d fall trying to get me.

29th April 2020

I was sitting in the courtyard today having a cup of tea. A mutual friend came and sat with me. Mind you, I don’t have any means of contacting my friends, so I just wake up and sit on a bench from 8 AM till about 2 or 3 in the Morning.

He told me, and I quote, “bro, maybe you should go back to doing hard drugs, it seems like your life was more eventful back then.” I asked him what he was on about, and he replied, “I was reading some of your earlier blog entries, and the visceral nature of your writing back then was too good. It was raw, and the pain screamed off the page.”

I felt like knocking him out.

I just smiled and walked away.

2nd May 2020

A friend of mine told me that someone he knew had my blog open on his computer, alongside the side was a tab that read ‘what are the makings of good writing’. I don’t know if I should be happy or concerned.

There are some private things that I would like not be associated with.

5th May 2020

I got my first warning last night.

It was so terribly cold. Snow was falling, and it was almost dark. So I thought I’d enjoy one last smoke before I go back to my dorm.

I broke curfew. They said the next time they catch me outside after curfew, I’d face disciplinary action. I don’t plan on getting suspended during this mess.

The funny thing is, they laughed as they took me into custody. As soon as I saw the blinking lights, I lay on the floor trying to hide in the snow and through the guise of the dark.

I think the humor saved me from bigger problems.

9th May 2020

Everyone’s sad now.

A friend of mine got sick.

They sent him to a building for all the sick people.

We procured some booze for him. He fashioned a rope out of some bed sheets, and the entire campus saw him dragging the booze across the wall and into his 3rd-floor window.

Guess that physics degree’s really coming in handy.

11th May 2020

Though it snowed last week, the sun’s coming out harsher each day. Wild how just a few days ago it was cold, and today I’m in a t-shirt.

12th May 2020

Someone asked me when this will end. Like I know.

A friend of mine who studies biology said that we’ll be stuck in this mess for the next 2 years.

He must’ve lost his fucking mind. 2 years. It’s been 2 months, and we’re all at our wits' end.

13th May 2020

The days are getting longer. Which means that we aren’t even allowed to see the sunset anymore. It’s getting a bit too hard. They don’t give us enough food. They don’t give us any options for ordering food. The grocery store on campus never gets stocked. It’s out of chicken and instant noodles.

How are we supposed to survive?

15th May 2020

My friend has started to get people outside of our close group drugs too. He buys them for them, takes a little out for himself, and gives them the rest. I don’t think they know he does that.

He comes into my room late at night, and we sit in the restroom and smoke.

I feel a bit disgusted by the whole thing. I used to smoke to have fun, but now I feel like I have to find ways to have fun while I smoke.

It all feels so incredibly loud.

17th May 2020

I miss my mother.

18th May 2020

People around me have started trying to talk to me. Some of them tell me that reading these posts helps them know that they aren’t alone.

I’m glad.

P.S I’ve begun selling toilet paper to the highest bidder.

20th May 2020

I know you’re reading this. I don’t know what you want from me. It’s been 3 years. Don’t do this to me anymore. Leave me alone.

I hate that I still miss you.

25th May 2020

I took a break from writing. It was becoming too much. I noticed that she’s been reading every post of mine. I don’t know how she found out about this blog. Whichever friend of mine decided to share it with her is a piece of garbage.

She keeps writing about me on her blog. I think she made it just to write to me. Just so I could see that she still cares. Does she care? What does she want? I don’t want this anymore. Those were the worst years of my life. Stop reading this.

1st June 2020

They want us to get another shot. Then we might be allowed to fly in a couple of weeks. That’s what they say. Who they are is something I don’t know the answer to.

I don’t want to go home. She’s there. I won’t be able to stop myself from reaching out to her.

I’ve started drinking alongside everything else.

14th June 2020

I’m going home today.

She messaged me yesterday. We talked. We decided we should meet and discuss things so we could both get closure.

15th June 2020

I’ve reached back.

My skin’s itchy, it feels like thousands of insects are crawling on me.

Why is my father in prison?

What is a pandemic?