Heavy

I clutched my right shoulder tightly with my left hand to soothe the shooting pain that was coming in waves, as if just pressing it hardly would make it go away. It was just getting torturous. 

It had been three months since my father had left us. It felt like a lifetime, if I had to be honest. Everyone said time would heal the pain of this loss. But why did it feel like the other way around? 

With each passing second, it felt like I was waking up slowly after living through a brutal nightmare. Like some fog was getting cleared, and I was finally rubbing my eyes to see what lay ahead. Nightmare was over, but now, it was time for the aftermath.

He is dead. 

He's never coming back. 

Hell, do I even know how to function without him? 

Even with all these thoughts running around in circles in my head, I resumed my life. And so did my Mom. After all the religious rituals and condolences from the relatives, it was just the two of us now. Life went on even when it felt like the most impossible thing at the moment. 

While waiting at the bus stop, I shifted the strap of my laptop bag from the shoulder that was hurting to the other one. Maybe carrying this heavy laptop all along had made the pain worse. 

I returned to my place of work last month, and since then I’d been taking the bus to the office. I used to have my own separate workspace and desktop there. But the day I returned, they told me they had a shortage of computers at that time, and it would be better if I brought my own laptop. 

Don't worry, it's temporary. Only for a few days, they had said. 

The few days turned to a few weeks. The computer I used to work on was given to some other new employee, who had brought some extra skills to the table, while I had to work on the small table near the lunch counter that could barely accommodate both my laptop and my day planner.

So here I was. With a mind and body engulfed in deep grief, and with an aching shoulder caused by constantly carrying the heavy laptop bag while travelling on the bus, I was, somehow, managing to show up.

The loud honk from the bus brought me out of my stupor, and with my hand still clutching the aching shoulder, I got up to get on the bus.

               * * *          

“Sorry, Sheena,” the HR manager said. “I know, it was communicated to you earlier that this was only a temporary arrangement, but I'm really sorry you'll have to manage for a few more weeks.”

So, according to our HR department, our company was bearing the brunt of some ‘bad investments’ from the past, and they were ‘trying their best’ to bring things back on track. But, from what I was observing, only I was the one who got affected. 

“And you might’ve noticed,” he continued, “our guy, Ben, from the print station also had to shift from his spot. We had to make space for some new people.”

Yeah, Ben’s job was to take out the prints and manage the ink and papers. It was tiring for him, yes, but did his job become harder after shifting the print station? I didn’t think so. And, I, on the other hand, had to work on multiple graphic design projects and presentation decks. I needed a comfortable space to focus.

“But it's getting hard for me to bring my laptop every day,” I returned with desperation. “My shoulder-”

“I know you're going through a hard time right now, Sheena” the HR manager replied while raising his palm and cutting me off. “Our deepest sympathies are with you. But with everything that's going on, we have to think about the company's best interests.”

Company's best interests. Doesn't matter what happens to the people working there.

I didn't have the energy to reply again. So I kept quiet and went about my day. 

* * *                       

After a few weeks, the shoulder pain became constant, and I started taking painkillers. I knew this was a temporary solution, but I didn't know what else to do. I was done waiting. When I discussed the matter of seating arrangement again with the HR manager, he told me to be patient. I was hanging by a thread, and him telling me to be patient was the last straw. 

“I’ve been patient for weeks. WEEKS!” I raised my voice at the HR manager to drive home the point. Now we had onlookers, but I didn't care a bit. They all can go to hell! This company can go to hell! 

“Calm down,” he said in a low voice, grinding his teeth. “You're creating a scene.” 

“What?” I said, mimicking his tone. “You don't like getting unwanted attention? Guess what? Neither do I,” I continued, and my voice got louder. “I don't like working near the lunch counter when everyone else has their own space. It just shows you don't respect me enough and you don't value my contributions to this company.” My voice cracked, and tears welled up in my eyes, but I kept talking. “I'm hurting, and I'm done waiting. I can't work in an uncomfortable space, that too when my shoulder is hurting ALL THE TIME! I can't bring my laptop every day. I can't. My shoulder hurts.” A sudden sob tore through my throat, and there was no way to stop the tears that were flowing now. 

“Sto..Stop. shh..stop crying,” the HR manager stuttered, his eyes darting left and right, taking in the bystanders. “Can't you buy a new laptop that's lighter in weight? Yours is kind of old-fashioned and heavy.”

Is he serious?! He can't be serious right now!

“Are you serious?” I repeated out loud. “It's my laptop. My father had bought that for me! How.. how could you….,” I couldn't complete my sentence. Couldn't get the last word out in between the sudden violent sobs. While trying to control the tears and wiping my face, I looked around with blurred vision and saw the employees gawking at us. 

What a perfect place and time to finally come undone! 

“I'm hurting, my shoulder is hurting,” I whispered, helplessly, to no one in particular. 

With trembling legs, I walked to my table and packed my heavy laptop in the bag. I put the strap on my shoulder and hissed as the pain turned excruciating with the weight of the laptop, but without reacting any further, I got the hell out of that place. 

When I arrived home, my Mom took one look at my face, and she instantly sensed something was wrong. 

“Sheena,” she said, closing the book she was reading and getting up from the couch. “What happened? Are you okay? Did something happen?” She asked in a voice full of concern, in one go, without waiting for me to respond. “Here, give that to me,” she continued while taking the laptop bag off my shoulder. “God, it's heavy,” she huffed and placed it on the coffee table.

Heavy.

I felt a laugh bubbling up in my throat. My Mom noticed, and her face got marred with confusion and panic. Now I was laughing humorlessly at the top of my lungs and couldn't stop. 

“Sheena,” Mom started again. My name sounded almost like a painful whisper in her voice. “Stop it, honey. You’re scaring me.”

I didn't know when it happened, but somehow my laughter turned into loud sobs, and I noticed the wetness on my cheeks. My Mom took me in her embrace, and the way her body was shaking, I knew she was crying too. 

“It's heavy, Mom,” I choked out.

“I know,” she whimpered as her arms got tighter around me.

“It hurts, Mom. My shoulder hurts,” I said, not being able to stop the wailing. 

“I know, honey. I know,” she replied and shushed me in her kind voice. “It will get better, I promise. Let's just take a break, okay? For a few days,” she said and kept patting my back. It felt comforting.

After a few minutes, we both got ourselves together. I went to my room, cleaned up, and changed my clothes. It was almost dinner time, and Mom had already set the plates on the dining table when I came outside from my room. 

“I'm not really hungry, Mom,” I said, as I took a glance at my laptop bag, still on the coffee table near the couch.

“You will be,” She returned, her voice carrying both exhaustion and care. “It's veg kofta, your favourite.” She smiled at me and served the hot gravy with dumplings on a plate for me with a scoop of rice and a slice of bread. 

I smiled back at her as the aroma of spiced veggies filled the air. None of us said anything as we finished our dinner in a comfortable silence and rinsed our plates in the kitchen sink. As I placed the dried dishes back in the rack and moved to the couch to watch something on the TV, I saw the laptop bag again and decided to head to my room instead.

I'll pick up the bag tomorrow morning. It was a long day. I'll sleep early today. 

I was about to say good night to Mom when I realised she hadn't moved from her place and was looking outside through the window above the kitchen sink. I followed her gaze and saw the overgrown wild bushes and weeds covering the whole backyard that was once covered in lush green and trimmed grass. 

“What is it, Mom?” I asked, trying to keep my tone gentle. 

“Nothing,” she answered, still looking outside. “Just weeds,” she continued in a blank voice and wiped her wet hands on her apron before taking it off.

How selfish of me to make all of this about me. I am not the only one who has lost him. I'm not the only one who's suffering.

I was about to break all over again, but I took a deep breath and gave another glance at the laptop bag.

Tomorrow. I'll pick it up tomorrow.

Unable to muster up the strength to face my Mom again, I just mumbled Good night over my shoulder and went to my room.

           * * *

The days that followed went by in a blur. My Mom started spending most of her daytime in the backyard. Every day she came up with a new creative way to make me participate in whatever experiment she was doing there. 

My shoulder still hurt, but the pain was manageable now. It was Mom's suggestion to take a break from my job for a while, but I knew it was for me to decide the next move. I couldn't put this burden on her when she was already carrying so much.

After submitting my resignation, I started working on freelance projects at home, on my old-fashioned and heavy laptop. I was not ready to let go of it yet. Besides, it worked perfectly. This work didn't pay much as compared to my previous job, which I must admit wasn't that good either, but at the moment it just felt right. 

* * *

I opened the attic door and went inside to retrieve some vegetable seeds that Mom had kept here. Packets of a variety of seeds were stored here in a cupboard, and after taking in this collection of hers, I could tell she was enjoying this gardening thing. The beautiful little kitchen garden she had created in the backyard was also proof that she was good at it. The wild bushes and weeds were gone. Flowerbeds now ran across the boundary of the backyard, and the remaining space in the middle bore patches of various vegetable plants. It was different from its previous well-maintained, trimmed-grass look, but it was still perfect in its own way. Mom seemed so happy, and almost proud, the day she had cooked the okra she had grown in her own garden. It made me feel at peace after a long time. 

“Sheena! Did you find them?!” Mom called out from the backyard. I put a stop to my train of thought and picked one of the packets.

“Yeah!” I yelled back through the attic window and went downstairs. “Here,” I said, handing over the packet to Mom, who was crouched on the ground and was moving the loose soil with her gloved hands. My phone rang, and I felt it vibrating in my jeans pocket. 

“Go,” Mom said without looking up from the soil she was digging. “Take it. I'm almost done.”

I went inside the house through the back door and took the call. “Hello?” I said.

“Hi Sheena,” a chirpy voice came from the other side. It was my cousin Rhea.

“Hey Rhea, so? Does he want it?” I asked about her 12-year-old son, Neel. 

“Of course Neel wants it,” Rhea answered in the same chirpy voice. “It's a laptop, and he's a boy.” 

“I know, but it's old and heav-” I tried to voice my concern but was cut off by Rhea in the middle. 

“He just needs it for studying at home. He's not a college student who needs to carry it along to the classes,” Rhea assured me. “So don't worry about it being old or heavy. Plus, when the time is right, he's going to get a new one.”

I released a breath I didn't realise I was holding. “Okay,” I replied. “If you say so.”

We chatted for a while, and then I cut the call after saying goodbye. This phone call with Rhea and Mom’s gardening Shenanigans completely made me forget about a virtual meeting I had scheduled with a client. I checked the time on my phone and realised the meeting was about to start in five minutes.

I entered my room and plopped myself down on the chair of my workstation. With my left hand, I clutched my right shoulder. The pain was now gone. Once in a while, I felt a mild twinge when it rained. Other than that, it was healing. 

I switched on the laptop and prepared myself for the meeting. The meeting went on for one hour, and after concluding it, I shut the laptop and decided to head to the cafe and work from there for a while. After getting up, I grabbed the laptop and lifted it up to pack it in the bag and was almost surprised by its light weight. 

It’s going to take a while to get used to it.

Life was still not perfect. But now I was slowly allowing myself to breathe. Now I was learning to let go.