This I owe Him

It’s Halloween at half past eleven when I sit at the porch and think about shooting an arrow through my ex boyfriend’s neck. I’ve always been a good shooter. But never before has he been a good target. But don’t worry, I have other plans. More fun than a simple arrow.

We’ve been together for almost a year, Xander and me. And since our ways parted on Halloween night last year, today it is time for revenge.

The house is decorated in this way too stereotypical Halloween way. Self-carved pumpkins in front of the door, with big laughs and crooked teeth. Spider webs in the corners, some occupied by real spiders, who have an easy route from the forest right next to it. And of course, all that blood. Xander seemed to always like fake blood. And real one. For pranks on April Fool’s Day, for costumes at friends’ birthday parties, and of course for Halloween. He turned the whole building into a crime scene, with thin lines of blood dropping out of the window frames. People would call him a genius for the creativity of turning this wooden cabin into a place of death, but people say all things when they don’t know the reality. That this house has been a crime scene all along.

Xander was the proudest when he found this cabin. The perfect place for blasting music, he told me. Let’s throw a party. But I was never the party type and was happy enough with us two spending time together. Seems like we had different priorities all along. Xander started looking for costumes the beginning of October. Gave me some Joker look with the makeup he found somewhere. In my suit I felt so unfitting, especially with him wearing something with so little fabric, I was sure he must freeze to death on Halloween. Turns out it all was a little different.

From the porch I have a first-row view on the whole forest. On the birch reaching its head in the air. On the leaves scattered on the ground, turning the landscape into a nostalgic colourful palette of autumn’s magic. That’s exactly where it ended last year. The image of the storm is still engraved in my mind. Leaves tumbling through the air. Boundless, but also disturbed in their own way. Xander was afraid of the storm last year, but I didn’t care. I still knocked on the door, the same way I do now. Three fast knocks, mysterious, but especially urgent.

My gaze slips through the small window. I see them cutting some vegetables on the counter, Ludwik’s arms wrapped around Xander from behind. I see both of them startle, because how the heck should they expect someone to knock on that door now? On Halloween, not long before midnight. Let them be scared. My show is beginning.

It’s Ludwik who opens the door. His ash-grey eyes meet mine, then he looks down. “There is nobody here, honey.”

He closes the door and goes back to the kitchen. But of course, I was faster, so here I am. In what was once my home.

Where my jacket once hung, there is now a thick coat, probably Ludwik’s. The same way, my sneakers are not here anymore, instead of some winter boots I’ve never seen before.

The frames on the walls have not changed at all. There have never been pictures of me, only different certificates from Xander. Swimming, mostly. As far as I’m concerned, he has not swum in years.

I hear them talking in the kitchen, muffled sounds I cannot quite catch. Even in their own place, they are whispering. Mysterious.

I did not expect them to be cooking when I enter. I have waited for this moment for a whole year, so of course I have played the scenes in my head already. And it was always a party. Xander in some gown, his face pretty to watch, as it was once for me. People dancing to loud music, since no one bothered in this place. There is no one here, no neighbours, no hikers on Halloween night, the perfect opportunity for a big party. At least this is what Xander told me last year. He also told me some story about this small house being haunted, but this I knew was fake. This year, though, I will make this house a haunted one.

And for that, I start very lightly, almost too friendly with dropping the vase in the hallway. I know Xander bought it at the flea market in summer, because he found it quite fitting. It is not, believe me. Blue with black stripes, the colours almost as dubious as the mysterious online dress where people passionately fought over the colours it has. So, when I say the vase is blue and black, you don’t have to believe me, if you think the dress has other colours as well.

Still, the vase falls just like every other. It is empty and makes a hollow sound as it hits the ground. The whispers end and I hear soft steps on the floor, as Ludwik makes his way to me. Again, he looks at me, or should I better say, right through me? He examines the vase on the floor as if it was a riddle in some detective story and putting it back again would hide all the clues he needs to solve the crime. Oh boy, the crime is already solved, don’t worry.

Xander makes his way behind him.

“What happened?”

“Oh, your vase just tipped over.”

“Tipped over?” Xander makes it around the corner and for the first time I see him that close again. His blond hair has gone a bit darker on its edges, as if he’s dyed it. The last time I saw it though, it was in a crown to imitate Apollo. Yes, Xander, you always wanted to rise high, am I right?

But before they can put up the vase again, I’m making my way to the kitchen. Examine the mess they made. Cups everywhere on the counter. Knives stained with whatever they were cutting sprawled on the table. Bowls of tomatoes, cucumbers, tofu and some other stuff I can’t even identify. I swear I would never be this untidy. And neither would Xander, or at least so I thought. Without second thought, I reach for a tomato, before I realize that I’m not able to eat. Whoa, I didn’t expect to get appetite in this form.

Form? Not able to eat? Yes, you must have a lot of questions. I’m sorry for being too invested in Xander and Ludwik at the moment. So, let me explain what’s the meaning of Halloween. The real meaning no living soul tells you about. In the night of the 31st October, at midnight, souls that have passed over in the last year, meaning the last cycle, are able to adapt the physical form for the hour of ghosts. In this night, the two realms of the world come to meet in the middle. The realm of life moving towards the realm of death, as both collide for a whole hour. I felt it the whole day, the sensation of the realm of life coming closer and closer until I found myself sitting on my ex’s porch, the light still on as if waiting for children to go trick-or-treating.

I met Xander when I drove my rusty Suzuki from Germany to Poland. Not far from the border, he stood on the side of the street. In the middle of nowhere, holding up his thumb. So, of course I took him in. And I would do it again, every single time. Stopped my car and asked him where he wants to go. My first mistake of so many. I remember us talking about what leads us to Poland. About the dreams we seek, about the families we left behind for a reason. And since it did not take us long to talk about the polish anti-queer law, I sensed that there was some story underneath our encounter. I drove him to this cabin, which apparently was his hiding place from his parents for years. And we spent our time exactly how his parents would not have wanted him to do. But, we never put a label to anything. It was me who used to call him my boyfriend when I was with my German friends. Me who fantasised about a life beyond all that, where we would have a family, a proper house and every single moment to spend together. Didn’t expect me to be that delusional.

Now, we are spending more time together than he could have guessed. I knock the bowl of tomatoes over and watch the vegetables spill over the counter, with a grin on my face.

“What the hell?“ Xander screams as he starts picking up the pieces from the counter.

“What was that?“ I try to hide a laugh as Ludwik stays in the doorway to the living room, not daring another step towards the kitchen. What will they blame it on? The wind, some unevenness in the countertop? I‘ve heard the wildest excuses for supernatural occurrences in my past year. People sometimes refuse to see the obvious in such a bad way, they must know themselves how stupid they sound. But also they don’t trust themselves. Have I left open the window?, they say. But of course, they haven’t and they know it. Has this hollow sound been there already? Boy, no.

So, yeah. Maybe I should have expected Xander to just say it. “I think the bowl was way too full and tipped over.“ Ludwik looks at him as if silently saying Boy, you are so dumb. The bowl is not designed to fall over full.

For a moment I’m sorry for pulling him into all of this, but he’s not innocent himself.

Because on that day, when I slowly went to the cabin and saw the light was on, I saw two pairs of sneakers in the hallway, two coats, two scents in the air, two of everything. Two of what I was supposed to be one of.

So, yes. As long as there are two of them, I can have double fun with my pranks.

So now, when I turn on the water and watch as both of these guys start to stare at the sink in full disbelief, I know everything I’m doing has a reason. I maybe can’t do magic, but I can be scary nevertheless. Who doesn’t wanna be a poltergeist and do all the pranks you dreamt of doing invisible?

“I think something is wrong with the house“, Ludwik suggests, which is a cute idea. So naïve. Does he know how fragile his beliefs are? Not just regarding the house, but also when it comes to Xander? Don’t get me wrong, I was something like together with him, but that just gives me a better insight in what he plans.

I remember last Halloween, the party Xander threw. People in this tiny house. What used to be his hiding place. Our little heaven. Ruined by people smoking in the kitchen, leaving beer stains on my side of the sofa.

I recognised the sneakers the guy wore. His costume seemed to be one of the guys from Scooby Doo, where I know exactly no single name. The audacity to appear to this party. To look at Xander the way only I used to.

Of course, I confronted him. Xander. In the bathroom, where I now turn on the shower. Fear is spreading across their faces yet. Of course, as long as it is just the water, it’s easy to blame it on harmless things. Let’s get serious, then.

Whatever Xander notices first, the blade or the pain, he screams such a high-pitched sound, I almost let the knife fall to the ground. But why not, that seems less suspicious than a hovering one. It clinks to the ground, both boys now finally ripping their eyes open. “What, Sander?“ Ludwik let’s his fingers run over his shoulder, where the rip in Xander‘s shirt is full of smeared blood. “Tell me what that was!“

“But there was nobody. It was a freaking ghost or something.“

“Lu, there are no ghost. This also counts for today.“

I think it’s funny how it sounds like they had this discussion already.

 “Then why is the shower turned on and blood on your shirt from a knife that lays on the ground?“

Because I need a little bit of blood, but they will never guess that. I draw in big letters, the blood smearing ugly on the kitchen cupboard.

Remember me

We stood so close on this small bathroom, I could smell every little drop of alcohol in Xander‘s breath. There were so many. He mentioned something about a fight with his family or something. Still, this is no excuse for all of what happened next. For when he shoved me, his hands suddenly hard as marble against my fragile shoulders. For when he twisted the key in the lock and locked me in this freaking bathroom, the one down the hallway, of course. He had the other one after all.

I still remember the bathroom

Maybe he understands. Perhaps the shock his eyes contain for only a little moment is real. Fear. Just what he loves after all. I dip my finger into the blood I keep in my other hand for one last time. Try to form some letters with what is left. Both guys stare at the space left on the cupboard, watch every single letter I paint in crooked lines.

Down the hallway

And then, behind the shower

The last letters are only a bunch of smears, but their eyes tell me they understood. Xander understood. And Ludwik did understand what I want from him.

“What about the shower?“ he asks.

“Don’t be afraid, ghosts don’t exist.“

 “I’m not afraid. I just know that you always kept me out of that bathroom and now I’m told there is something about it by the most mysterious letter on a fucking cupboard door written in your blood.“

And then, they run. Just like I predicted. Just how I wanted this to turn out. Ludwik in the front, his fingers reaching the door first. Then Xander, fury aligned with him.

C‘mon, Ludwik. He doesn’t hesitate, but rips the shower apart. He understands quicker than me. Because when I found the room last year, I was surprised. But Ludwik, he seemed to have sensed something already. I see it in how sure he is when he slams the broken plastic down to reveal the trapdoor.

“I didn’t know about that.“ Xander‘s pleads come from somewhere, but as much as I know this is a lie, so does Ludwik. He pulls the handle, reveals the stairs.

 “You can’t know what’s down there, Lu. You have to be careful.“

“Boy, I was careful enough with you, but you never told me about that guy before me. But I saw the blood. On the door handle, the sink and especially this shower. Turns out I was way too careful.“ And then he takes the first step.

When you go down the cellar, you will see grey walls first. Cold and unyielding. Reeking of dust and rotten things. Rats, mostly. But now the way you think. There are often rats in basements, yes. But not ripped apart for fun. For fucking pleasure. They are piled up. Next to the stray cats. Next to Xander’s parents, their heart ripped out, leaving only a crimson hole. Next to me. My hair so dusty, it looks grey, my clothes torn apart from scratching myself in boredom. I’m still wearing my watch, which tells me it’s one minute to midnight.

Everything is set up. Took me the whole day, but it was all the time I had. The realms don’t meet for that long. But time was enough to get all the equipment down. Until the last match I set into my hand, the box in the other.

From afar, you can hear the strike of the bell tower. Simultaneously, I rise from my ghostly form. The air becomes thicker around me, as if sucking me in, as I get transported to my physical forms. Which opens its eyes. For a moment, all the seconds from last year pass before my vision. Xander opening the door. Me, looking up at him from down here. I feel how it settled in my gut that this will be the last time I see daylight. I tried to stay alive by eating the stuff from the boxes. Dead rats, rotten to the bones. Flesh that must have been years old. But eating made me feel like a killer myself. And between surgical tweezers, obscene drawings and cats with razor blades in their stomach, I settled for my end.

But I don’t leave without a bang. As my hands understand what they are holding. What I just gave myself. And the gasoline under my feet lights up, duelling the smell of corpse before the screams take all my attention.

I thought of sparring Ludwik, but how would that have been possible? I needed him after all.

And since he stole my man, this I also owe him