Cappintos ( Pron: Ka-pin-toss. noun)

Slang word originating from Uganda . That funny line that forms when your clothes, eg dresses, pants or leggings, get stuck in between your buttocks.

Synonyms in other countries include, wedgie or butt floss.

Example: Sir, you have Cappintos so deep, if your butt sweats, we could discover a new world river.

CBC BREAKING NEWS: CAPPINTOS SPARKS INTERNATIONAL CRISIS!

I gulped hard as I read the headline on the TV across from my jail cell. As I find a way to hang myself before my mother gets wind of this, I might as well recount the tale of how I ended up in this position.

It all started in the immigration office yesterday morning, when I arrived at Kennedy International Airport from Kampala, Uganda. I called my parents to tell them I had arrived and my mother, highlighting that I was already strange looking enough with my round glasses, big eyes and dress style like my grandfather in the 50s, should not draw any more attention to myself.

I tried.

I really really really tried.

But when the immigration officer opened my bag and found several green bananas I forgot I packed, I knew I was in trouble.

“Didn’t I tell you to leave those bananas! Fresh food is not allowed in that country!" My mother yelled on the phone in Luganda.

I partially listened, partially wiped the table to my side with a wet wipe.

“Why do you always do these things! Ah! Now see. Instead of going to your university, you are there?! Pay the fine when they charge it and get on with your way you stupid boy!” She hang up.

“Nio nio nio….” I rolled my eyes as I put the phone down just as the immigration officer walked back in with my suitcase. He turned around and placed it on the table.

As he did so, my eyes landed on the insidious 8th deadly sin!

The ‘ I am in the desert fasting, being tempted by the devil' kind.

The ‘Hitler getting his rejection letter from art school' kind.

The inhuman phenomenon that has no ending nor solution!

The one thing I prayed would not happen to me this entire journey! A flood would rather end the world now!

The officer had turned around, and there, deep between the crease of his butt cheeks, was Cappintos! CAPPINTOS!!!

I felt a twitch in my finger, and my breathing paused. Good heavens….

7 years ago.

“Your son has OCD…,” the female physciatrist, Dr. Angela, told my parents.

“What does having old CD’S have to do with my son,” my mother replied, her face the usual irritated. 13-year-old me stood staring at the doctor’s hourglass figure.

“No, Auntie, OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is a mental disorder where one has unwanted strong thoughts and obsessions, often acting on them. It explains why he has been pulling out his teacher and colleagues cappintos and also why he needs clean surfaces. He can not stand it.”

“No! That is impossible! We are African. We do not have these things!” My mother yelled - turned- sobbed loudly, placed her hands on her spiky wig and rotated like a plane. My father stood by her side. His face unamused. I copied her wailing, earning me a slap on my behind from her bony hand.

“Apologies for my wife cousin Angela, you know she grew up in the village. Mental conditions are not thought well of there,” said my father, adjusting his glasses.

“Oh I understand. I assure you, anyone can get this-”

“Oh my son has been bewitched! He is mad!!” my mother wailed. Slapping her husband’s shoulder.

“It is okay,” my father held her hands, “We will tell everyone he has brain damage if you want. Would that appease you my wife?” She nodded, still crying with no tears. My mouth wide open. The woman has never had any chill.

“Please calm down,” the sweaty forehead doctor assured, “It can be lived with. We just need to talk more about it and- OUCH!”

The doctor turned around to find me with my hand stretched out.

“Cappintos,” I said. “I removed your Cappintos.”

The immigration officer had caught a deep case of Cappintos right in between his dark blue pants. Sharp, deep and unmoving no matter which way he turned.

They would have rather caught me with cocaine.

Sweat trickled down my forehead as the officer checked through the bag. He was saying words, I was staring at his buttocks. The pants were trapped in between them like a prisoner, begging me to release them.

No….Mulo….…champagne - no contain….your…self!

“As I was saying sir we are going to have to charge you a fine for thes- WHAT THE HELL!”

The officer turned around, clutching his throbbing butt and a horrified look on his face. I paused with my outstretched hand, a nervous smile on my face.

“ I removed your Cappintos….” I said.

The jail cell rattled as the police officer closed it hard. I sighed as I sat down, the other criminals eyeing my strange demeanour. At least the ride to the police station from the airport gave me a pretty view of New York City for the first time.

“O yi na magezi?! Do you really have brains!!” My mother yelled the same insult through the phone during my one phone call in both English and Luganda so I could catch ittwice . I was not listening as usual. I was double-tasking, wiping down the phone booth with my pocket wipes. It was dirty.

“Do you even understand how bad this is, you stupid boy! What are we going to do? Your father and I can not afford a lawyer now! We put all our money into paying the rest of your tuition. Will your scholarship even still accept you?! OH my son is an idiot and a pervert!”

My mother wept so loudly over the phone the people around looked over. I smiled at them and focused on the both.

It gave me time to focus on wiping the numbers. 6 was looking extra brown.

“WOWEEE,” she wept more, “ My son, are you gay?!”

“No, mum.”

“Are you a sex addict or pervert?! Are buttocks a fetish for you?!”

“No mum?!”

“Are you bewitched?! Did someone bewitch you, and I do not know?!”

“They said the witch doctor was expensiv-”

“THEN WHY ARE YOU THERE?!” she wailed. “ My friends warned me about marrying a man from town! You never know what is in their blood. But I just had to care about his over-flooded pockets…and that Benz….oh that perfect Benz car.... My village never had Benz on its roads. I knew I deserved to sit in that car. I was the village beauty after all. But if I knew I was going to have an idiot like you, I would have married Mutundo and his bicycle!”

“Sir your time is up.” said the officer. I wished my wailing mother well, hung up but stayed cleaning the booth.

“It's time to get back to the cell.”

“One second, let me finish this…” the officer kept insisting and tried to pull me away from the booth. It took two officers to drag me back to the cell in the end.

Would not have been a problem if they had clean phones. And tables. And floors.

On the TV screen , footage from the new Ugandan Indian American mayor of New York, Nandani’s swearing-in filled the screen. I sat back down and sighed.

“ Ey bro, did I hear the officers correctly? You really in here for pulling a wedgie out of someone’s butt?” This strange dark-skinned teenage boy with many piercings asked. His shirt read NYU, and he had a large sign in his hand reading RESPECT BLACK PIGEONS.

I nodded and told my story. When I was done, the officer came to take him before I could learn more about him.

“Hm. Don’t worry brotha from the motherland, I’m gonna get you outta here.” he had a strange look on his face . Before I could ask what he meant by that, he walked out of the cell. As he left he took a picture of me from the door .

Why?

I found out later on the news the next day.

CBC NEWS: A UGANDAN MENTALLY ILL 20 YEAR OLD INTERNATIONAL STUDENT HAS GONE VIRAL FOR BEING ARRESTED FOR PULLING WEDGIES OUT PEOPLE’S BUTTS.

Oh no, I thought as I woke up to one of the cellmates poking me to see my picture on the screen.

Presenter: 20-year-old Mulo Mugabe was arrested last night by police after inappropriately pulling out a wedgie from an immigration officer’s butt at Kennedy International Airport after arriving in New York city for the first time. Mulo, who was diagnosed with OCD at just 13 years old, has sparked a massive debate and outrage online following his arrest for what some deem ‘something he cannot control.’ With some highlighting its possible cultural significance, as the Ugandan term for it is Cappintos.

Officer Garcia (Victim in case): I was checking his bag while doing my duties last night and I had my back turned to him. All of a sudden, I felt a hand suddenly reach in between my cheeks so deep, clutch my underwear and pants and pull them out….it has…it has never really happened to me. ( Looks left and right, confused.) I do not really know how to feel about it….

Officer Rode (Intendant at police station): It is an act of violation against an officer of the law! (Veins in neck popping). I've been saying we need to get rid of all these immigrants taking our jobs, littering our cities, bombing our buildings. Now we got butt pinchers too?! Our brothers in arms at the airport work very hard to protect our country from them terrorists. We ain’t gonna let this slide. That boy should be charged with harassment, terrorism perversion, public disruption! He should lose his scholarship and be deported back to his country if I can help it!

Presenter: While some agree that this is a case of harassment. Many, especially a lot of immigrants and a newly formed social group called ‘justice for Cappintos’ believe the treatment of Mr. Mugabe is unjust.

Jarbiques Yues, NYU Student , President Black Go club: When Malcolm X stood in this very city and told us we could not separate freedom from peace, he drew a deep connection with our immigrant brothers and sisters. This is undoubtedly unjust! To torture a man over something he has no control of?! We sympathize with the officer but hope he sees our point and drops the charges! Mental conditions is already a taboo in many black and foreign househholds. What good would charging him do?

Shafiq Rules, President Justice for Cappintos: Whats so wrong bout Cappintos huh?! A homie trynna help out another coz some s*** got stuck in his crack….oh my bad, won't curse again on TV lady…..But Hell nah! We aint callin’ wedgies that no more even. Its Cappintos now and we seek Justice for Cappintos. Hell - a law should be passed to allow Cappintos, helping out a homie aint evil . In fact mam you got some right there, want me to help you out? No? Okay no problem presenter lady, but see how I wana help you out. Thats the African spirit of Ubuntu right there. JUSTICE FOR CAPPINTOS, JUSTICE OF CAPPINTOS.

Back to studio.

Presenter: We reached out to the Ugandan ambassador to the US for a word, but his office informed us he is on a 6-month holiday. This comes as a shock especially amidst rumors of his office being investigated for corruption. Protesters are outside the station pleading for the release of Mr Mugabe. Some have even appealed to new Mayor Nandani to look upon his fellow nation mate and….Wait, we are getting breaking news….Mr. Mulo Mugabe is being released! Officer Garcia has dropped the charges. Nandani is rumoured to have had a hand in negotiatons and is making his way down to the police station now to celebrate the release. We will bring you all the updates!

One minute I was in a jail cell, the next outside in front a lot of people cheering for me down the stairs of the police station. I was escorted to the side and to my absolute shock, Mayor Nandani and his gorgeous wife greeted and congratulated me on my release. Had I hanged myself in my sleep?

The gleeful screams of the protesters proved not. Nandani stood in front of me to speak to the crowd and news crew.

“Today marks a historic day, for persons who struggle with OCD and related conditions. Growing up in Uganda myself, I understood the concept of Cappintos and when this case made its way to me, I took in the strangeness of it all. Yes, Mr Mugabe’s actions were improper, but consideration for his condition and handling should have been put into effect. What differentiates Mulo’s actions from one simply removing gum on you or saying there is something in your teeth? We hope to raise awareness for the difficultness of this condition and improve handling of such delicate situations from now on.”

I watched the crowd clap and nod.

The claps grew increasingly quiet in my mind...when I saw it.

There, before me, right in between Mayor Nandani’s cheeks….was a deep case of Cappintos.

I gulped. Sweat beads formed on my forehead, and my hand was twitching.

What do I do? No Mulo…champagne yourself.

Then the words of my first girlfriend, Dr Angela rung in my head as she opened a bottle of champagne in her office seven years ago, “Oh no... I knew you were not ready for it...you kept insisting you were mature.... Don't cry we won't do it again. You weren't supposed to do it on your teacher!...Your parents are coming soon. I have to think of some way to explain your behaviour ....Never tell them what happened, okay…for me…”

I…I can not stand Cappintos… My fingers twitching more.

Sideyeing the crowd, the several news channels, the student protesters, and the police all watching me….I sweat harder.