The years I remember

It’s nights like this that I wish I didn’t miss that call to avoid that last conversation. What was it going to be about? Did you have something to tell me or was it a casual conversation where we catch up? It always feels the same like a collapsing lung it becomes hard to breathe. What could I have done to change this? Was it my fault? Did you want to warn me? This tragic life ending in a casket is never something I thought I would experience from you. You didn’t seem like the type that would have done this, especially to me… Now I have to find the reason you left me with more questions than answers. There’s smells that linger in the room where you did it. That reminds me of when we rode the bus and laughed about math questions. Was that where you did? I can’t remember what you smile like, but I can remember how you wear your hair. I can remember your favorite food. I can remember your favorite show. Everything you loved makes me sick! I just puked at the taste of fish. Just so you know I cut the fingers out of my gloves in remembrance of you. It feels empty now that my tears can’t be wiped from my face by you. Where do I go from here? You disappeared with no goodbye. Did you say it through the machines you was hooked too? Was I supposed to know the Morse code of your heart? I just feel lost listening to songs that remind me of you. Listening to the same song I did on the day you left. Remembering you is a trouble as the days go past I lose your voice. The phone I had your last voicemail is broken as we both know I’m accident prone, so I leave it in a drawer only to turn it on to remember the last thing you said to me. Who was I to think I could have saved you? Swinging like we did as kids. Mistakes were made. I feel it’s easy to put the problem on me instead of realizing the struggle you was going through or to blame the doctors, your brothers, your mother, your father, whoever could quail my rage. This is an obsession 14 years have passed and I still try to think of ways it could have changed. Maybe I could have done something I wasn’t yet comfortable with? Maybe I could have been closer? Maybe I could have stopped the car? Maybe I could have suggested not to get the surgery? 14, 10, 21, 2, 4, 5, 6 each year passes as I sleep in heart break to the point I’m numb to reality around me. As the rabid dogs of my overthinking eats away at my thoughts I try to still understand the choices of others. How did your life end so easily? You survived the abuse of the world that past you by for looking differently. You survived through being alone caring for me . How did you die so easily? How did you know to tell me to say goodbye before the doctor told me to? I miss you so much. I don’t know who to turn to when you left. It was told to me through a text. Rape then murder what was I supposed to feel? I just wanted to catch my own charge as I went looking for a knife, gun, car, and a place to leave the person. Murder was on my mind, but I was too young to drive. I was too young to carry that burden of responsibility. It would have been another mistake on my life. I was breathing heavily heavier then I ever have. Like the rope was around my neck. The day was sunny, but to me it was a dark stormy day as they read your eulogy over the loud speaker trying to cover up the fact that the person who wrote it raped you. This life is twisted as I see so many people who deserved my life more then I do pass away, as if I would believe in a higher power that allowed them to die while a piece of shit like me lives a good life. Mauled by dogs, hung by your rapist, botched surgeries, hit by drunk drivers, cancer that couldn’t be treated, and more I’m fucked up without you here. I wish I could say I drown these sorrows in a bottle by I don’t. I wish I could say I’m a junkie with a needle I use to remember you but I’m not. I wish I could justify the feelings of wanting to be dead in all your places, but I can’t. I just miss you and know no one would have the same feelings about me. I yearn for 1 call 1 text or even a hug from each and every one of you. I have been told I should feel blessed to know you, but I feel cursed to know that your last moments was riddled with nothing but pain fear and wondering if you was going to die. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck this life! Fuck this timeline! Fuck this memory of you! Never going to forget you. No matter how much you would want me to move on I will always have a place for you in my life rather it be burned into my body or my mind! I feel frustrated to even type this out, but I just want you to be remembered forever outside the umbrella of myself! Mom I know I am doing everything you wanted married the woman I was with when you passed I know you are waiting for a grandkid that will have to wait. Katie I know we lost touch after I dropped out, but I didn’t think you would be on life support the next year. Jessica I am sorry that you had to go through that and I wish we was closer, so I never would have received that text. I feel if we pushed that boundary nothing bad would have happened to you.