"Dear Mom": Motherless On Mother's Day

(Trigger Warning: illness, grief, death, loss, infertility, cancer)

When my mother was pregnant, she kept a journal of notes addressed to me.

Upon her illness and passing in 2015, my father gave me her notebook.

I began writing my own letters to her – a way to continue the tradition she started, a tether between this world and the next.

10/13/2018

Dear Mom,

I think I’m in love with the man I might marry one day.

We were talking about the future, and we both agree we want children. It’s scary being so close to 40 – and we’re not even married yet! – but…we’ve already picked out names.

If it’s a girl, we want to name her Elena Michelle after his mother (Elena) and Daddy (Michael).

For a boy, we’d name him Charles Lee after you (Carol) and his first wife who passed away (Leigh).

I know I’ll be happy with and love whatever God chooses to give us – but I feel from the bottom of my soul that I’m meant to have a little girl. I want to be the same kind of mom you were.

You know – the Girl Scout Leader. The Bake Sale PTA Mom. The one who put all the pieces back together when the world tore me apart.

Love you. Miss you. Mean it.

Heather

8/19/2019

Dear Mom,

WE GOT MARRIED! I am so overjoyed to be Angel’s wife – but it was a rough day, if I’m being honest. I went from sobbing with joy during our first dance and wishing you were there to worrying about Daddy, who had to be taken to the emergency room.

His health hasn’t been great. He’s lost a kidney to cancer and the other is in renal failure. But you know him – he’s stubborn, but he’s a trooper. I’m so thankful he was released within a couple of hours but – it’s not how I envisioned my wedding day – you know?

I wish you could meet my husband. I know you’d adore him, Mom. He’s my Angel.

Love you. Miss you. Mean it.

Heather

10/17/2019

Dear Mom,

It’s not looking good for us. We’re struggling to conceive on our own, but there’s no way we can afford IVF therapy.

We’ve discussed other options, but we’re struggling to find solutions that work for both of us.

It shouldn’t be this hard, Mom.

Love you. Miss you. Mean it.

Heather

12/19/2019

Dear Mom,

My gynecologist is sending me to a specialist for testing. You know I’ve always had problems that way. Well – one of my tests came back positive for pre-cancer.

I don’t want Daddy or Angel to worry but, the truth is…I’m scared.

I thought I was sobbing quietly in bed last night until Angel rolled over and held me.

That just made me cry harder.

Our little Elena Michelle is slipping away, Mommy.

Love you. Miss you. Wish you were here.

Heather

2/12/2020

Dear Mom,

The gynecologist oncologist is putting me on progesterone to stabilize my cycles.

So far, so good on that front.

Daddy is requiring more care. He has a little Tupperware filled with medications that I must sort for him now, and I must attend his doctor’s appointments because he doesn’t remember anything they say or follow their instructions otherwise.

Unfortunately, my job is starting to crack down on time off. Between my health issues and Daddy’s care I’m not sure what to do.

Love you. Miss you. Mean it.

Heather

3/19/2020

Dear Mom,

Something crazy is happening. I didn’t follow the news at first, so I am still sort of playing catch up, but the world is on lock down. There’s some kind of contagion that’s spreading faster than they can control it. I’m confused; some people are calling it Coronavirus and others are calling it Covid-19.

Daddy and I represent two populations that are at highest risk: immunocompromised seniors and asthmatics.

I’ve stocked up on alcohol, hand sanitizer, Lysol, gloves, and facemasks but there’s a shortage of toilet paper. No one understands the toilet paper shortage – it doesn’t seem relevant to the symptoms.

They’re telling everyone not to leave our homes unless it’s an emergency for the next two weeks.

Unfortunately, Daddy requires dialysis, so we have no choice but to venture out.

I hate it – the face mask causes my breath to wash back over my face, which makes me feel claustrophobic and lightheaded.

I’m wiping down all the surfaces we touch about three times a day and keeping everyone indoors because we simply can’t risk catching it.

Watch over us, okay?

Love you. Miss you. Mean it.

Heather

7/1/2020

Dear Mom,

Five years ago today, I held you in my arms as you took your final breath.

So much has happened since then.

I love Daddy so very, very much – but I’m so frustrated with him. He is not following doctors’ orders. Before he would say “I forgot” or “I don’t remember saying them that” – but now that I attend his appointments and monitor his care – he can’t say that anymore.

So, he’s just getting an attitude and doing what he wants anyway.

I’ve begged, pleaded, bargained, and cried - and I just can’t seem to get him to care.

I know he misses you.

We all do.

But I’m not ready for him to give up.

And I don’t think he has any desire to try.

He skips dialysis and then when I mention the consequences: he shrugs.

How do you help someone who doesn’t want your help?

Love you. Miss you terribly.

Heather

4/29/2021

Dear Mom,

Daddy is in the hospital, and I can’t see him or stay with him or even visit. Due to Covid restrictions, hospitals are not allowing visitors.

I might be able to relax if they would call me for his care, but because Daddy “seems” to have it together, they don’t think they need to tell me.

It’s frustrating and scary!

I hope he’s okay.

Love you. Miss you.

Heather

1/2/2022

Dear Mom,

I had a dream last night.I don’t remember the details, but the message was clear as day; Daddy won’t live to see Christmas.

It wasn’t hope. It wasn’t a wish.

It was simply something I had to accept and, once I did – there was a sort of peace that came with it.

Because – if he’s accepted it…and if I’ve accepted it…then there’s no reason to fight anymore.

So – I’m not going to. If this is the year he joins you – I want whatever time he has left with me to be peaceful.

Take care of us, please?

Love you so much. Miss you tons.

Heather

3/29/2022

Dear Mom,

Took Daddy to Joe’s Crab Shack today for an early present.

Something’s not right.

Don’t get me wrong – he was cheery – but it was a bit more childlike than usual. His movements were slow and cognition was impaired as it took him an hour to figure out what he wanted to eat.

I want to take him to the ER, but he doesn’t want to go and because of Covid – they won’t let me stay with him to oversee his care.

Is this how it starts, Mommy?

Love,

Heather

3/30/2022

Dear Mom,

Oh my God – this is the beginning...I just know it.

Daddy was acting strange all night long but refused to cooperate with me. He didn’t appear to be in any danger, so I went to bed.

At 9 am, I heard a loud crash in Daddy’s bathroom and ran to find him on the floor – his right leg at a wrong angle.

His thigh bone is entirely split where the knee joint was cemented into place. It requires a special surgeon and the only one available today is the one that messed up Daddy’s knee in the first place – so we are opting to wait for another surgeon to be available.

He’s there all alone. They won’t let me into the hospital and he’s not always lucid for me to call and talk to him. I’m so scared, Mommy.

I knew the end was coming…but not like this.

Love and Misses,

Heather

3/31/2022

Dear Mom,

Daddy had surgery today. They told me the surgery went well, but he’s not doing well with the pain.

I wish I could be there with him. It’s tearing me apart, not being by his side.

I hate this!

Happy Birthday, Daddy. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Watch over us, please?

Heather

4/15/2022

Dear Mom,

I am LIVID! I have not been able to visit or even TALK to Daddy for over two weeks.

The nurses station says he has his cell phone, but it’s dead and they have no way of charging it. And there is no phone in his room.

I’ve raised hell, but to no avail.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow and either seeing Daddy or being escorted out by an officer.

This is ridiculous!

Heather

4/16/2022

Dear Mom,

I can’t stop crying.

They finally allowed me a five-minute visit, and Daddy didn’t even recognize me.

He insisted I was a small Haitian child and the more I tried to talk to him, the more irate he became.

Mommy – he looked at me with such disdain when I said I was his daughter.

The more I tried to convince him it was me, the more hostile he became until I had to leave the room for his own safety.

He’s not acting like himself, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve fought to get into the hospital but, if he won’t let me near him- how can I help?! He’s punched a nurse, so they have him on 24-hour monitoring at this point since he’s considered a danger to himself and others.

What do I do? I’m not ready for this, Mommy! I don’t know how to fix this.

Heather

4/18/2022

Dear Mom,

I haven’t had a cycle in a couple of months, despite the progesterone. The oncologist told me to monitor and let her know if I miss the next one and we’ll do some tests.

She doesn’t appear too concerned at this point as I’m under severe stress that could affect it, so I have that going for me.

Meanwhile, they are transferring Daddy to another hospital farther south. I am not looking forward to the drive there but hoping they’ll be better about letting me see him and talk to him.

I wish you were here. I’m so incredibly grateful to Angel. He’s been such a Godsend through all of this.

But…no one will ever replace you, you know?

Love you.

Heather

4/20/2022

Dear Mom,

Daddy is now in a rehab facility that is allowing me frequent visits. He’s incredibly confused, suffering from violent lucid dreams that he’s having trouble deciphering from reality.

They’ve pumped him so full of medications that his one remaining, failing kidney can’t flush them all from his system – so it’s causing terrible cognitive issues.

It’s so hard to see him like that. He’s our rock, right?

I hope I’m doing right by him.

I hope I did right by you.

I’m terrified I’m failing.

Love you.

Heather

4/27/2022

Dear Mom,

Daddy is being discharged from rehab, despite being unable to stand or walk on his own.

I’ve been faced with the option to either put him in a long-term care facility – which we both know how he feels about that – or bring him home to say his goodbyes.

He had a moment of lucidity during my visit today. I hated to do it, but he deserved to have a say in his own fate.

He was lucid just long enough for us to come to the decision that he would come home for hospice care.

Daddy is going to you soon, Mommy. Please be ready to welcome him.

Love you,

Heather

4/29/2022

Dear Mom,

I had a uterine biopsy today. Won’t know the results for a few days, but Angel and I have talked about it and – if it comes back positive – I’ll be undergoing a hysterectomy.

It doesn’t look like we’d be able to conceive anyway, so there’s no use fighting for the dream.

Meanwhile, Daddy came home today.

We’ve rearranged the furniture in the living room and dining room around his patient bed.

He arrived home in a foul mood, but of course, I don’t blame him whatsoever.

I can’t imagine what he’s going through right now, and I don’t know how to ease any of his pain or fear.

What do I say, Mommy? What do I do when he tells me he’s scared?

What do I do when I’m scared?!

Heather

5/3/2022

Dear Mom,

The doctor called while I was taking care of Daddy. Angel took over so I could accept the call in the stairway.

That’s it. I have Stage 1 Uterine Cancer.

I know I said there was no point in fighting for the dream but, now that I know…

I’m not going to ever be a mom. I’m never going to meet Elena Michelle or Charles Lee. I’m never going to know what it’s like to be pregnant.

I felt horrible – I didn’t want to tell Angel. Not now. Not like this. But he heard me sobbing and we just collapsed on the stairs, holding each other.

It hurts, Mom. This…all of this…it’s killing me.

I could see her, Mom. I could see her little chubby cheeks and her dark curls.

And now…she’s gone.

And now Daddy…

I won’t tell him. It feels awful keeping secrets, but I know it’s for the best.

He deserves to rest believing the future we all imagined together, so I’ll let him keep the dream alive for me.

I need you. I need you so badly right now.

Wish with all my heart that you were here to kiss my worries away.

Love you,

Heather

5/5/2022

Dear Mom,

Is it weird that I’m finding beauty in all this sadness?

When I couldn’t get Daddy to eat, Samantha was able to convince him to let her feed him.

Angel is not religious, but he’s learned the rosary so he can sit by Daddy’s side and pray for him.

One of the very last things you ever said to me was “I’m scared.”

That’s always haunted me.

Tonight…in the quiet when it was just him and me – Daddy told me he was scared.

My heart will never be the same.

But I told him what I thought would give him comfort:

“Angel and I will be with you here every step of the way, until the angels come to receive you in their sweet embrace and carry you back to Mommy.”

It seemed to ease his mind…even if only a little bit.

I want to think you’re busy planning his reception now. Make it a good one.

Heather

5/6/2022

Dear Mom,

Daddy is unresponsive now. Hospice at home has been a nightmare – they only send a nurse at night, and they require me to administer all medication – so I’ve been giving him morphine for his discomfort.

What if I’m over doing it? What if I’m jumping the gun?

What if I’m not giving him enough because he can’t explain his pain?

Why won’t they help me?!

This is madness, sitting on the edge of my seat, listening for signs he’s in discomfort.

Did I hear him right? Was that a moan of pain, or is he just dreaming?

Mommy…what if I’m killing him?

Please…. guide my hand.

Heather

5/8/2022

Dear Mom,

He’s gone.

It was about 5:40 am when I was running upstairs to print a sign to put on our door so no one would interrupt us for the day.

“Heather!” Angel called me from the living room. “It’s time.”

I was halfway up the stairs.

I sprinted down – trying to get there to him.

I needed to hold him. I needed to keep my promise.

So, I cradled him, brushing his hair back from his face as he took his last breaths.

Daddy left us at 5:45 am to go be with you.

I kept my cool. You would have been proud, Mom.

I didn’t lose it until there was no one left to protect.

But then, it hit me that it was Mother’s Day.

I’d lost my mom.

I’d just lost my dad.

I’d lost my Charles Lee. I’d lost my Elena Michelle.

I’d lost every single reason I had to celebrate this day.

Take care of Daddy for us.

Take care of the spirits of my Elena Michelle and little Charles Lee.

Take care of all the hopes, dreams, and plans that have died with them.

I love you.

I miss you.

I mean it more than you know.

Heather