I Used To Think Time Was On My Side

I used to think time was on my side. That was supposed to be the blessing of living forever. Did I ever tell you that? Choose any path I wanted. Live a life of opportunity.

I never once believed that time could be a curse. Complacency will do that to anyone, I guess. But here I am now, looking at you, and I wonder… Was it worth it? You were young and beautiful, and I was adrift in a sea of eternity. I guess I should have stayed away then.

But you pulled me in. Whether through intent or charismatic intuition is a mystery to me, but you succeeded where others had failed. I let you in. Time was a blessing. Did I ever tell you that?

You showed me a new way of living. You took my hand and led me through the corridors of faith and hope in a way no one else had. We had the void of eternity. I knew in my heart that having this eternity would turn into a sea. I definitely should have stayed away then.

Your favorite pastime was reading. You were always smarter than me. You enjoyed the classics, but I could never get into them. But you told me that the beauty of eternity was that I could learn to enjoy whatever I wanted. Time was a blessing.

Did I ever tell you that? It gave me the one resource I wanted above all else with you. I wanted that time. You made it feel meaningless because every moment with you could have been an eternity, and I would have wanted nothing more. I should have stayed away.

If for nothing else than my own peace of mind. But I let it happen. You sat in the corner, reading Hemingway or Shakespeare next to the fireplace. You said it helped you concentrate, and I let it happen… Because I loved it too. Time was a blessing in that way.

Not through its persistence, but rather because it let me meet you and spend those eternal grains together. My people had warned me that we didn't experience time the same, but I paid them no mind. You were worth it. I suppose that's where the first mistake was, because they were right. I should have stayed away.

When the mission came, I had paid no mind to this revelation. We were off on a space adventure, and I knew you couldn't come. The dangers of the nebula were no place for you, but you gave me your favorite book as a reminder, and I promised we'd discuss it when I returned. It was a constant reminder of what I was fighting for. Time was a blessing because it meant I still lived.

And living through this was the thing I craved above all others. Every time someone else on the crew would read a book or make a joke that I thought you would enjoy, I would mark it down in this journal. “Aurelia likes reading Shakespeare, too. She's our leader. You wouldn't like her, though.” I was away from you, and I wish I weren't.

But we had the beauty of eternity. Time was a blessing because it meant I still lived, and surviving meant I could keep the memory of you alive. I told them about you. I told them about how awesome you were, and how cool it was to meet someone else like us. I was among friends, and all I could think to myself was how eager I was for you to meet them when this was all over.

You had this way of understanding the world that I envied. You smiled when you would look at the sky, see an ocean of red where I saw sand, and see someone who craved connection, when I only ever showed everyone else the immortal. You liked to curl up at my side during late nights and tell me about your day. I barely understood half of what you did… but I could hear your voice, and that was worth the eternity. I couldn't have stayed away even if I tried.

But this mission asked something of me that I had begun to take for granted. Time. It always comes back to time. Time moves differently when you're drifting through a cloud of colors, surrounded by danger. The focus isn't on how many days pass, but how long you go without being attacked.

For us, it varied. We measured the time between attacks. 34 lunch cycles since we were last attacked. 17 lunch cycles since we found a space port. It was dumb, but Aurelia had told us to do it to keep us grounded.

You wouldn't have liked her very much. You saw the beauty in everything, and you would have seen it in her as well, but Aurelia was a cynic. It made me cling to my memories of you more. You two looked a little similar, or maybe it was just the way you both did your hair. It was uncomfortably comforting.

It was just another reminder of what was waiting for me back home. The team heard nice things about you from me, and they were pretty curious about you, too. Hopefully, you didn't mind. I would tell them stories about the farm you grew up on. You were really good with animals.

You worked really hard. You loved art and music. Serene thought you were beautiful. Kolson cared more about what you looked like, but that was typical of him. Aurelia never cared.

But that was just her. She was more focused on the mission than I was, and that put me in more situations than I care to admit. Then again, someone was trying to steal her soul, so I'd be really mad about that too. Time continued to favor me. We didn't know how long we'd been gone; only that we’d return… and learn to acclimate.

That's the beauty of eternity. Acclimation. Right? The mission was a screeching halt to this belief. I saw them die.

I had believed us indestructible. I was sure of it. Chili was the first to go. Aurelia almost followed. I had never seen her look so defeated, and suddenly, I knew….

I don’t know how he planned on finishing this letter, but it was a lie. Eternity was never a guarantee for anyone. Not even us. Nature always finds a balance for everything. This was ours.

By the time we were returning home, we had lost many more, and failed to recover most of their bodies. It was a successful mission, but it felt like a personal failure. I should have done more. We’re not human, but in that moment, we felt human. I didn’t know how to reach you.

You looked so alone. You spent a lot of time at the farm. But one day, I knew that I couldn’t just keep sitting on the sidelines. Eternity makes us complacent… And I don’t ever want to feel complacent again. So take this letter.

I hope that it finds you in good health, Natalie. I’m sorry… And just know… You probably wouldn’t have liked me… But he loved you very much. Until eternity decided time was no longer on his side. - Darrus/Aurelia