Where I stand at

CW: Mental health issues and self-harm

It’s in the stars, you could see it hanging from above. When Delilah had discovered her medical condition she used to observe the stars from the little window in her room, thinking if she would ever leave this place without medication.

“It is chronic” the doctor said and “that would not be possible”, but she insisted that she’s fine and that she have not been into other states than the reality around and within her…

Maintaining that same high state was an easy job for her, she just needed to shift her focus inwardly to see outwardly, reality was perceived by her senses, she could smell it, touch it, listen to it, taste it and see it. But what she was not able to figure out is how and why others tend to look away or indifferent towards reality.

Two nights ago she was at her friend’s wedding, and the night was extremely boring, she had felt it in the music that the couple picked for their first dance, she felt it in the people’s faces, she even saw it in those that she met by coincidence during that night and she had know from other occasions… How come she never knew that the bride had people in common with her? After all it was her best friend getting married.

They often think that the start doesn’t matter, but it is that initial thought, that initial intention that makes the whole difference for Delilah, she had a lot of questions. But one question was bugging her mind over and over: How come her best friend is starting his married life at such a slow and boring pace?

“You’re imagining things” interrupted her best friend during the toast ceremony, a ceremony that never made sense to Delilah. It is a small wedding event where the couple visits traditionally the tables to thank the people for coming to their wedding. She was thinking during that moment in the possibility that her best friend might know, and what she is imagining might be real. Then she just shrugged her shoulders and moved her hand up raising her glass of champagne for the toast.

She had to do it, she thought of the place, the delivery of her show, and how maybe she could save that marriage. After all people love to help, they feel they are more human in her opinion when they do so. Maybe they have no other concerns, maybe they do care for other people being happy, or maybe they are just selfish and do not want to let others even fly or sink… That’s why they tend to look away thought Delilah…

“Two nights ago you started a dance with the same woman that your best friend was getting married to. Do you remember what happened afterwards? Did you sense any weird ideas or thoughts crossing your mind? Did you feel anyone telling you what to do? We have to keep you under supervision until you remember miss Delilah, unfortunately you will have to stay at our hospital until you start taking the medication your are rejecting, and then you can resume your life normally.”

Delilah wondered what is normal? Maybe she might be able to find that answer too in the stars… She knows that her medication would be eventually forced for what they consider her own safety. She remembers well what happened that night, she even planned her every step to save that marriage, but if she tells the truth things might get worse.

Fifteen days already passed and Delilah was still in the mental hospital, she knew she does not belong there, but her refusal to be on medication and the mere fact that she stopped the same medication ten months ago and decided to move on, made things worse in the doctors opinion. All she wanted her human rights, how come she could be hospitalized by force? Why would someone that knows her medical condition call the doctor and ask for her to be hospitalized against her will? How come she had two choices only? Either leave with medication, or stay there at the hospital? Even her hunger strike didn’t soften their hearts…

The next day things moved on, eight days without food made her movements limited and she needed to conserve her energy. She was forced to take the medication, her condition was mental according to the doctors, and everybody moved into life normally after that injection, including Delilah, but with extra information; she knows and she wants to stay away from her best friend. Maybe what she did would indeed save his marriage, only time would tell…

Delilah left after five extra days, after her condition stabilized and life moved on normally, she was even able to work at her job, but she kept that same intention; to stay away from her best friend on purpose. It’s an easy flip of a switch for her, she have been on the same treatment before, resuming it won’t bother, it would just slow her progress down… She could no longer see the truth in the stars anymore but she has plenty of time for that at thirty three she thinks she is still very young in her opinion.

They say it takes five years to know a good marriage, it took three years for Delilah to agree with the doctors that her condition was real, the marriage of her best friend was not saved indeed and ended eventually with a divorce and a baby that have two split places to call home; that is the same way Delilah was raised. She remembers well that manic episode she had and how she tried to save a marriage, she did attempt to kiss the bride, and she had other moves up in her sleeve, but that does not matter anymore… Maybe she did need more possibilities back then, or she should have just observed things without interfering, often when trying to interfere with reality wisdom should be the bar she thought.