seeing through you

The waiting room is cold, and she huddles in the hard plastic chair, the discomfort simply background noise to the panic that flooded her chest.

It's been hours, the blood and bile had already dried onto her skin and clothes, but she couldn't care less. Her little girl, her baby was somewhere in the back struggling to make it back to her. She watches numbly as the nurses go about their work. The sirens and the shouting had long faded, leaving her empty and still.

She picks at her nails, the flaking the blood falling to the ground like crimson snowflakes. It made her think of her daughter's hair. Her beautifully curly hair always died some crazy bold color she'd beg her mother for.

She hums low in her throat, her heart pounding against her ribcage. would she live? did she catch her in time-

No. obviously she hadn't. she was her mother; it never should have gotten to this point at all. She should have seen something. She should have looked into those big brown eyes and saw the pain welling in her child. but she'd missed it.

Sure, she'd had her moments where her feelings got the best of her, but it'd been so long she thought her daughter had gotten better. somewhere along the way she'd lost sight of her.

She groans, her head flopping into her stained hands. Her mind raced tumbling and rolling like a storm-stricken ocean. She rocks, the chair creaking and whining below her stress.

"-am."

"ma'am!"

She jumps, straightening up in her chair. She clears her eyes with a clean forearm.

"y-yes?"

"She's in the recovery room now, you can come back and see her now."

She rises to her feet too quickly, catching herself on the edge of the chair. Before the nurse could help her, she righted herself and gestured for the nurse to lead the way.

They walk through the double doors and passed by room after room. She hoped to catch sight of her daughter, even a red lock but they kept moving. Finally, finally they stop in front of a room. The nurse opens the door.

It's quiet in there, dark and the machines beep quietly. It's almost reliving, getting to hear the amplified sound of her heartbeat. Her daughter lays in the bed, swallowed by the tubes and wires. The nurse pats her on the shoulder and leaves.

Once the nurse's footsteps faded, she found the strength to fully enter the room.

She grazes her eyes over her daughters face and nearly collapses. She slumps on the rail and runs her fingers through her curly hair. Its faded, the red washed out to a dull pink. She remembered hating it but now..

"Oh, my baby, I'm so, so, sorry."

She chokes on a sob and rubs her pale brown face.

"I didn't know it was this bad, I'm sorry... I Should have; I should-"

"Ma..."

She wipes her tears away frantically and pulls a frantic smile on her face.

"Hey chunky monkey.."

"Ma, were you crying?"

She sniffs and shakes her head, reaching for her daughter's hand.

"It doesn't matter baby-"

"It does! ma- it does."

Her daughter cries weakly, her eyes desperate and full of tears.

"I'm sorry ma. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"No, no, don't apologize, it's my fault-"

"No, it's not your fault, I keep doing this! I get so caught up in what I feel that I hurt everyone, I hurt you!"

She gasps, trying to catch her breath between the sobs wracking her chest. The monitor speeds up, beeping faster as she gets worked up.

"I'm just so tired. I hate myself I burden you."

It shocks her mother into silence, but the tears don't stop.

"You go through so much, and i just keep adding onto it. I act crazy and mess up then you have to deal with it! I couldn't even do this properly -"

She surges forward and holds her daughters face with shaking hands.

"You have never burdened me. yes, I'm tired and stress sometimes, but you are the most important thing in my life!"

"I'm so sorry that I ever made you feel like you had to protect my feelings. I'm your mom. you should always be able to talk to me."

They breathe in sync, tears mingling together on the pale blue sheets. After a moment of silence her daughter finally breaks down in a sob. She pulls her daughter close and rocks her softly.

"We got this. I've got you; I've got you."

After a while her tears slow, only sniffles and soft hiccups escaping her. She gazes softly at her mother.

"I just. I, felt so much. it was too much and i was scared to tell you. I know how tired you are."

she fiddles with her mother's fingers, tracing the veins and scars along her skin.

"You work really hard and I don't want you to stress over me."

Her mother shakes her head and kisses her forehead.

"I'm your mother monkey, I'm gonna stress over you. I'll chase you to the ends of the earth just to fix the collar of your shirt. Never doubt that."

She kisses her daughter's hand and smiles softly.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to really see you. I'm here now. and I know it doesn't make up for it, but I'll be by your side. Okay?"

"..Okay."

She falls asleep leaning against her mother, holding tightly to her hand. Her mother refuses to take her eyes away. Truly her girl had changed, and she wasn't sure when it happened. Eye bags where her skin had been smooth and blemish free. Stressed lined her youthful face and marred it beyond her years. She kissed her face, wanting to smooth the wrinkles away with her love alone.

It would take some time, but she would make sure it faded along with the scars marring her body. She touches the bandages gently and takes a deep breath.

It shouldn't have gotten to this point, and she would never let it get this way again. She caresses her hand and remembers when her hands were so small she could only hold onto one of her fingers.