Transfixed Eternity

It was a moment that had been building for three weeks. Some of the best weeks of my life, I can now say confidently. Our first kiss. The seal was placed on the fate of our lives, now forever intertwined.

I opened my eyes and took what felt like my first breath. I was lightheaded yet filled with an energy that made my heart pound like the hooves of a hundred horses running free in the plains. Despite the trance-like state, I could see the stars on the horizon, shining brightly as the moon sat full just above the horizon. The waves of the ocean crash in and out with each breath and beat of my heart. Only I was still transfixed on your eyes, and what I saw was the universe within. We sat on your porch for another hour, your head on my shoulder, and not a word passing between us. Yet, it was the most at peace I had ever felt, perhaps my first time experiencing it at all. On the drive home from your house, I felt the pieces of my life come together, with our future already set in place.

Fast forward twelve months, and I was once again taken by another first kiss. The kiss that bonded us eternally, husband and wife. The rush returned, stronger than it was the first time, a year ago. The bells pounded, and my heart thrummed in unison. Each breath felt as if I was drowning, holding back the emotions that overflowed like a raging river crashing against a dam, ready to break. Transfixed again in your eyes, I saw the tears flowing from them as you wiped them away from mine. As we drove away that evening, cans clanking from behind, I had to fight the urge to stare back into those eyes and get lost in that completeness you give me.

Jumping ahead two years, I was further frisked away not by one first kiss, but two. These kisses signified our creation of another life, us as father and mother. The weightlessness pulled me away even further this time. The screaming child personifies my desire to yell at the top of my lungs to the world, thanking everyone for the luck I have been blessed with. Awakening from your familiar trance, I now saw this same stare in your eyes as you looked down into our boy’s beautiful, big eyes. When we drove him home that first time, you sat in the back beside him. My eyes randomly caught yours, lost in that same feeling, that same universe I now saw in four eyes.

The blink of an eye, and eighteen years had passed. Filled with many emotions, a kind of perfect chaos, I call it, for I wouldn’t change any of it despite the ups and downs. Those days were what led us here. Another first kiss, cementing our completion of making a child into a man. The drumming heart returned, yet this time it was not only fueled by happiness and joy but also contained fear and uncertainty. Had we done enough? Is he ready? Your arms squeezed me back to reality. We had done our best, and no one is truly ready; that is ok. His tears told me he had similar thoughts, yet his smile and the look in your eyes were all I needed. As he drove away to college, we sat on the steps again, your head on my shoulder, silence the only thing between us.

The pages of life flutter once more, six years this time. This first kiss sees us as grandparents. We stood outside the door, deja vu overwhelming, as if we were hovering over ourselves, some twenty-four years ago. That same look in my son’s eyes as he looks down at his wife and daughter. I am once again transfixed in the moment as you look up to me and kiss me, stealing me from that moment and placing me in another of equal happiness. As we drove our son’s family home a few days later, I once again saw my universe spread through your eyes into six others.

Finally, moving forward twenty-one years, to the present. This first kiss, not the most favored of firsts, but I wouldn’t want it any other way, given the circumstances. Our first, last kiss. My eyes, not what they used to be, still can see that universe in yours. It has also spread to a couple more grandchildren. Yet today, that universe seems a bit melancholy, surrounding me as I lie in a bed that seems to be pulling me down. I smile, knowing the source of the sorrow that filled the room. It is something I have prepared for all my life, at least for the past fifty-seven years since my life began on that front porch. That day, this universe opened up to me and forever made me a part of it. Your hand in mine, squeezing, not ready to let go. My heart beats to the sounds of the machinery that has kept me from fading these past weeks. Yet, in this moment, I feel more alive than ever. Surrounded by my universe. That look in your eyes takes me back to every moment. The sunsets, the walks, the laughing and the crying, the ups and downs, and the very reason on that day fifty-seven years ago I decided I’d die happy and fulfilled. You. Look around the room. You gave me all of this even when I never felt I deserved it. You transfixed me for eternity, and fear not, I will live on in you and in all those that surround me today.

As she finished reading, she closed the notebook that he had requested a week ago. He had handed it to her as he had pulled her close for that final kiss, whispering into her ear, only words meant for her. Her teary eyes flow as their son hands her a tissue, and the doctor silences the machines and clears the room. He gives his condolences as the family gathers round, embracing one another. They can’t help but smile through their tears. Although his time had passed, he still wore a smile on his face, signifying that his light lived on elsewhere and within them all.