What Could Have Been

All my life I longed for you, I waited patiently to be noticed and to be seen. I craved your attention and your love like nothing else, but sadly it never came. Instead of love you wrote my checks and handed me money thinking it would make up for your absence. Little did I know my worth was being lost more everytime you handed me that money. Little did I know that I would think that was your idea of love, handing me money and leaving me with someone else. I never understood leaving. I never understood when you would stay either because I would be waiting any second for you to leave. Always a reason to excuse to be anywhere else but with me.

I was always pawned off with someone else, friends, family, strangers. I always wondered where you were and even have dreams now of searching for you. Nothing I seem to seems to bring us together not in my waking life or in my dreams. There is always a gap between us, a path that never meets. We are always going in different directions. Why was my love so genuine? Why did it never stop being that way? Why could I so easily forgive?

If gifts were only enough to build and to grow. If gifts and money were only enough to give me what we never really had..why did I try so hard? Why did I fight so long? Why after all the proof did I continue to have faith? This fire inside of me would not die. I refused to let go of the cause. I refused to let it end. I refused to give up. Your inconsistent ways just made me more and more consistent to hope and to try. It's funny how that works. The less effort given the more effort we sometimes give, hoping for a different outcome or result.

For all the horrible things you did I forgave you. I chose to have a blind faith that one day we could be what I always dreamed or hoped. That I could give you a fair chance to prove to me that maybe all the bad was in my head. Maybe you had changed or maybe that was never who you really were. Maybe it was all just a sign and at the time when I was young you just did not know how to simply be a father.

All the years of praying and waiting, you chose to give me up. Never to see me again ironically over money. Not to pay to support me anymore. The irony was that you loved to send me money and give me money and hand me money..now you didn't even think it worth your money to see me ever again..this broke my heart the most. The biggest rejection at my own father's hands. After all you did somehow, someway I was still hopeful and willing to forgive..I never gave up on you. Despite the moving, the jobs, the wives, the drinking, I never gave up on you. I just waited my entire life for an apology that never came

Thought my teenage years I always hoped you would simply change your mind. Realize maybe you made a mistake and I was worth your awhile..but you never came back. You never looked for me. Never even reached out. I spent my teenage years alone.

The loneliness I felt in those years was the greatest of my life. I was abandoned by my own father. Left with no communication the one who promised to keep fighting for me, gave up so easily. I didn't see why I continued to go on hoping for the best. Was being your blood not enough? Was loving you not enough? What could be enough? Surely not me.

With every year that passed I thought maybe something would change or happen but it never did. Just continued on as it was. I thought one day I would get a message saying how much you missed me but that even took years to happen . Just constantly stuck in a state of waiting.. Waiting for you to give me all that I ever wanted. All to end up disappointed again and again. Why did I not give up?

I always hoped you would show up for me as a child, you instead chose to only show up for yourself. As my heart broke more every year I realized things may never change. I hoped I would have a game or a recital where you would show up, but you never did.

I searched for you, for your love and acceptance in others, it's something I never found. I tried to think maybe someone would come along and make it all better. Give me the failed fairytale I never got to have. I always hoped I would find it in men or in friends. In others approval and acceptance, maybe they could all show me I was worthwhile.

I hoped and prayed one day we could have a civil conversation . Maybe even fantasized of the day you would apologize for all the hurt and pain you caused. You left me so alone and so broken. Why did I desperately try to win you over knowing I had never been enough all along?

For years I tried to think of ways to try to speak to you, tried to come up with sweet things to say hoping I would get sweet things back in return. I tried to take the time to reach out yet as always you showed no interest.

As a I grew into an adult, I longed for the relationship we never got to have. I thought maybe time could heal all wounds. I thought with maturity peace would finally come. But instead I tried with everything in me to get your approval. Sadly, time changed nothing. Time only made me realize that the only option left was to let go. Letting go of the fantasy of what a father should be.

I should of known better.