Quantum Anomaly

Eric was just drifting off to sleep when he heard the mysterious sound. He sat bolt-upright in bed, suddenly awake.

There had been no mistaking it. The sound of the creaky kitchen floorboard. And now, as he strained to listen over the pounding of his heartbeat, cupboard doors slamming. Someone was downstairs in the house, most likely ransacking the place for valuables.

Unconsciously, Eric pulled the duvet up around him. His first thought was to drag something heavy across the bedroom door and wait for the intruder to leave. If he’d had his phone with him, he might even have done this, then called the police and waited for them to come and apprehend the robber.

But his phone was downstairs, charging in the kitchen. Even Eric’s meagre self-esteem wouldn’t allow him to just leave the burglar to rob his house at their leisure and saunter away with his stuff. He wouldn’t be able to look his neighbours in the eye again. Heck, he wouldn’t be able to look himself in the eye in the mirror.

Eric slid from the sheets and into the frigid air of the bedroom, wearing only his baggy pyjama bottoms and a faded T-shirt bought as a memento from Point Pelee National Park many years ago. There was no handy baseball bat to grab, no sturdy bedside lamp which could be wielded as a club. He had no plan for this situation. He didn’t live in a neighbourhood where this sort of thing happened. He couldn’t recall any other house on the street ever heaving a break-in.

He crept out of the room and down the stairs. Mostly he could just hear the blood pounding in his ears and the stairs groaning under his weight as he went down them. But he could catch the occasional sound of movement from the kitchen too – the intruder was definitely still there.

Reaching the hallway, Eric found himself at the nook where he stored the vacuum cleaner and the broom. He picked up the broom and held it in a tight grip. It was a flimsy wooden thing, probably useless in a fight, but it felt good to be holding something as he advanced on the kitchen.

The door was closed, but the light was on on the other side and Eric could see a shadow moving underneath it. He took a deep breath and then, with a shaking hand, reached out for the handle and threw the door open.

Eric held the broom aloft and charged forwards, clipping the top of the door frame as he went. He let out a loud, inarticulate scream. His hope was that the sheer shock of his appearance would scare the burglar away.

But when he saw the man sitting at the kitchen table, the scream died on Eric’s lips and the broom slipped from his hands, landing with a clatter at his bare feet.

“Who the hell are you?” Eric said.

It was a stupid question. It was obvious who the intruder was. It was him: Eric. The man sitting at the table was indisputably identical to Eric in every way. He had the same mole above his right eyebrow and the same unruly cowlick of hair at the back. He was even wearing the same Point Pelee T-shirt, faded in the same pattern about the armpits.

The doppelganger was wide-eyed with surprise. He looked like he was trying to say something, but his mouth was full – he had one half of a doorstep sandwich clutched in his hands with a large bite missing. The other half was sitting on a plate in front of him.

As the initial shock of seeing himself began to pass, Eric’s mind started to whir.

“I know what you are,” Eric said, pointing a trembling finger in the direction of the man at the table. “You’re one of those quantum anomaly things they warned us about, aren’t you?”

The other Eric swallowed laboriously then spoke, his voice croaky. “A what?”

Eric waved a hand around, attempting to dredge the information up from his memory.

“The new power plant put out all those public service announcements about them,” he said, trying to recall what he’d half-listened to on the radio on the drive to work over the previous months. “A side effect of the nuclear power generation. Quantum anomalies.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” the other man said. “But I’m not a quantum anomaly.”

“You are!” Eric shrieked. “You are!”

“I am not! I mean, I’d know, wouldn’t I?”

“They had a hotline number,” Eric said, ignoring him. “You could call if you had any problems.”

His phone was on the kitchen counter, plugged into the wall. Eric edged past his double and picked the phone up. The other man pivoted in his seat, watching him the whole way and it made Eric feel acutely self-conscious. He shielded the screen as he unlocked the phone, looked up the hotline number and dialled it.

Eric put the phone onto speaker and placed it back down on the counter.

There was a single ring and then a crisp, recorded voice spoke.

“Welcome to High Ridge Nuclear Facility Helpline. Did you know, most questions can be answered by visiting our website? Go to www.hrnuclear.com/faq or hold the line to speak to one of our advisors.”

The message finished and there was one more ring and a dull click and then a woman’s voice spoke. She sounded bored and sleepy.

“Nuclear Helpline, Michelle speaking, how may I help?”

“Hi,” Eric said, moistening his lips. He was unsure what to say. Finally he settled on, “I’d like to report a quantum anomaly.”

On the other end of the phone, Michelle still sounded uninterested. “Okay, sir. The anomalies are harmless, you don’t have to report them. You should have had a leaflet through about them.”

Eric’s eyes flicked to the kitchen bin. There had been a leaflet through a week or so ago. He’d skimmed over it while the TV was on. He’d only really paid attention to the bit where he was getting half a cent off the dollar on his electricity bills.

“Harmless?” Eric repeated.

“Yes, perfectly harmless. It’s simply the effect of the tachyon waves the plant generates during the alpha phase of its cycles. Normal, classical rules of space and time break down in a very localised area and the quantum wave function in the affected area takes a while to self-collapse, that’s all.”

Eric’s mind grappled with what he was hearing. A break down of the rules of space and time didn’t sound harmless, but the woman sounded reassuringly certain.

“Self-collapse? So, it’s temporary?” he said.

“That’s right, sir.”

Eric felt a wave of relief flood over him. “Do you… do you know how long the anomaly will last?”

“I can try and estimate for you,” Michelle said. “How large is this anomaly, would you say?”

The anomaly in question was staring intently back at Eric, which was rather off-putting. It felt rude discussing him like he couldn’t hear.

“Well, it’s me,” Eric said eventually.

“I’m sorry?”

“The anomaly. It’s me. It’s a clone of me,” Eric said.

There was a pause on the other end of the line. For the first time, there was a hint of interest in the operator’s voice.

“You’re saying the anomaly is a whole person?” Michelle said.

“That’s right. It’s an exact copy of me.”

“How much do you weigh?” Michelle asked.

Eric blinked. “What?”

“It’s all a matter of mass,” Michelle said, matter-of-factly. “The more mass, the more unstable the quantum wave function will be and the sooner regular laws of space and time will reassert themselves.”

“I see,” said Eric.

He looked guiltily at his facsimile sitting at the kitchen table, who brushed some crumbs from his chest. There was more of a bulge under the T-shirt than Eric would like, and the hint of a second chin under the stubble as well. He’d been snacking more than he’d been meaning to recently.

“About 205 pounds,” Eric said.

The man at the table put his sandwich down on the plate.

“Right, let’s see,” Michelle said. Eric could hear the clacking of keys on a keyboard and Michelle muttering to herself. “The tachyon generation cycle began at eleven o’clock… 200 pounds…. I’d say the anomaly will desubstantiate in about two minutes time, sir. Now, is there anything else I can help you with this evening?”

“No, that’s everything. Thank you,” Eric said, terminating the call.

He turned his attention to the doppelganger. “Did you hear that? Two minutes and you’ll disappear.”

The other Eric drew himself up in his chair and looked affronted. “Me? Why will I disappear?”

“Because you’re the quantum anomaly,” Eric said. “I’ve been here the whole time, you just appeared in my kitchen eating a sandwich.”

“No,” the other man said firmly. “I’ve been here the whole time. You just appeared in the doorway, chucking brooms about the place.”

“I grabbed that broom because I thought there was an intruder,” Eric said, hearing his voice take on a petulant tone which he was quite unable to prevent. “And it turned out there was an intruder: you. Do you think I just carry brooms about in the middle of the night for fun?”

“I don’t know, I suppose it seemed like the sort of thing a quantum anomaly would do,” the other Eric said.

The two men glowered at each other across the kitchen. Eric noticed his nostrils flaring in an unsightly way. Did he always look that ugly when he was angry?

“I’m not a quantum anomaly, and that’s that!” Eric said.

He was quite certain that he wasn’t, but the words would have been more reassuring to him if the doppelganger hadn’t said the exact same thing at the exact same time, creating an unsettling echo effect.

“Well, we’ll find out in about 90 seconds,” Eric said, trying to sound resolute.

He slumped down into the empty chair opposite the other man.

Silence settled on them. What was there to discuss? Eric could hardly complain about work or ask what the other man thought of the Senator’s chances in the play-offs. What would the man have to say that Eric didn’t already know?

There was a dull scrape as the other man pushed the plate into the middle of the table.

“Want to share the sandwich?” the man asked. He picked up the half he’d started on and took another large bite.

Eric looked at the half remaining on the plate. Thick slices of white bread and a generous filling of peanut butter. One of his favourites. In fact, he’d toyed with the idea of making one just before bed, before deciding he shouldn’t. Calories he didn’t need.

But what about the sandwich the other Eric was currently stuffing into his mouth? When the wave form collapsed and the quantum anomaly desubstantiated, what would happen to the doppelganger?

Would they be absorbed into him, the real Eric? And, if so, would Eric be forced to absorb calories of the sandwich the anomaly had just eaten? Was the doppelganger enjoying the taste while he, Real Eric, would have to live with the consequences? That would be just his luck.

“Put the sandwich down,” Eric said firmly.

The other Eric spoke through a mouthful of half-chewed bread. “What? Why?”

“Just put it down,” Eric said. “Quantum Anomalies don’t get sandwiches.”

“For the last time, I’m not…” The other Eric scowled, but he threw the sandwich back down on the plate. “You’re putting me off anyway. It doesn’t matter, you’ll disappear in 30 seconds.”

“We’ll see about that,” Eric said.

He drew the plate across the table, out of the doppelganger’s reach.

As one, both men swivelled to look at the clock on the wall as the second hand ticked around. The two minutes were almost up.