Marriage is Hard

MARRIAGE IS HARD

“STOP!”

“The car?”

No, Ben. The gravitational rotation of the Earth. Yes, the car. Now!”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“No. I don’t.”

“Just stop the car. NOW!”

“Fine.”

“I can’t stand to be in the same car as you. I’m walking home. Don’t follow me. Just leave me alone.”

“Fine.”

*****

“I can’t believe that you didn’t come and get me!”

“Are you serious?”

“YES! I’m one hundred percent serious.”

“You told me to leave you alone. So I did.”

“You should have known I didn’t mean it. I was just angry.”

“You’re always angry, Yolanda. How was I supposed to know you weren’t serious this time? That you really wanted me to drive around the city until I found you? Tell me.”

“God! You’re so dense!”

“Why are you rolling your eyes at me? I did what you told me to do — I left you alone.”

“I was five miles away from home! You actually thought that I really wanted to walk home?”

“You could have taken an Uber.”

“I shouldn’t have had to take an Uber. You should have found me and driven me home.”

“Jesus, Yola! You told me you couldn’t stand to be in the same car as me, and you said you were walking home. You told me to leave you alone. So I did! And now you’re pissed at me because I did what you told me to do? I’m not a fucking mind reader, Yolanda! You told me to leave you alone, and I did. And now you’re pissed.”

“You should have known what I was thinking!”

“I. Am. Not. A. Psychic! I cannot read your mind.”

“If you loved me, you would have come to get me. … Where are you going! I’m talking to you!”

“I’m done with your drama, Yolanda. I’m going out. Don’t wait up for me.”

*****

“You called the cops on me?”

“You didn’t come home. I was worried!”

“What the hell, Yolanda? I told you not to wait up for me. I needed to think—alone. Unlike you, I mean what I say.”

“Don’t you dare bring that up. I was worried. For all I knew, you were dead in a ditch somewhere!”

“You told the cops that I was drunk!”

“Well, you might have been.”

“I don’t drink and drive. You know that.”

“You were upset. You might have stopped at a bar or something.”

“Have you ever, in the twenty-three years that we have been together, known me to drink and drive?”

“No, but there’s a first time for everything. You were being mean to me.”

“Don’t start with that bullshit. You know I don’t drink and drive, but you told the cops that I might have been drinking. And now there’s going to be a report, and everyone at the station will will think I’m an asshole who drinks and drives!”

“You’re exaggerating—”

“I AM NOT EXAGGERATING! I’m a cop. There are rules for cops. If any cop takes a report involving another cop, the bosses are told. I’m going to be dragged into the office. I could lose time or be suspended.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Yes you did. But you just don’t care. It’s all about YOU and what makes YOU feel good! You are so childish!”

“I am not childish. You’re childish!”

“Just stop, Yolanda!”

“Stop yelling at me, Ben!”

“I will stop yelling when you admit that you are trying to blow up my whole life.”

“It’s my life, too.”

“Not any more, Yolanda. I’m done. I want a divorce.”

“No.”

“What do you mean ‘no’? It’s not a choice. I want out of this marriage. You’re crazy. I can’t live with crazy anymore. I’m exhausted.”

“I mean NO. I’m not going to give you a divorce, Ben. You can’t make me.”

“It’s not always all about you, Yolanda.”

“Yes, it is.”

*****

“What the hell is this Ben? You had me served at my office! In front of everyone? I hate you. I don’t know why I ever married you.”

*****

“Why are you here, Ben?”

“Because the court mandated that I attend marriage counselling sessions.”

“Do you want to be here?”

“No. Not really.”

“Why is that?”

“As far as I’m concerned, my marriage to Yolanda is over.”

“With that mindset, you might have a difficult time seeing a way forward.”

“True. But I’m not sure I want to see a way forward. I’m done.”

“Why is that, Ben? You and Yolanda have been together for a long time. Don’t you believe that your time together is worth the effort of marriage counselling?”

“To be honest, Doc, no. I’m surprised that we lasted this long. … I’ve known for a long, long time, that our relationship was doomed. We do not bring out the best in each other.”

“Can you explain that for me?”

“Living with Yolanda is like living with a toddler. She’s demanding, prone to temper tantrums, overly dramatic. If she’s not screaming at me, she’s crying. She imagines slights in everything I do. She starts fights. She hits me. She throws things. She lies and she exaggerates. It’s exhausting.”

“How do you react to her when she’s acting like a toddler?”

“The same way that I would react to an actual toddler. I let her rant and rave and cry and stomp off, hoping that she’ll just exhaust herself and fall asleep.”

“Has that been effective?”

“If it had been effective, would I be here right now?”

*****

“Yolanda, how do you see your relationship with Ben?”

“We are meant to be together. This is just a phase. He doesn’t mean it.”

“He has served you with divorce papers.”

“At work! … He’s just trying to make a point.”

“What’s the point?”

“… I don’t know. … Maybe that he’s tired of my outbursts? … Or that he feels that I don’t pay enough attention to him? He’s just trying to scare me. He loves me. We’re not getting a divorce.”

*****

“What did you say to the doctor?”

“I told her that living with you was like living with a toddler.”

“What? A toddler? You asshole! A toddler!! …. I’ll show you a toddler!”

“Yolanda! Stop! Stop throwing things at me! Ow. Stop it!”

“I … “

“Ow!”

“Am …”

“Stop throwing shit!”

“Not …”

“Put the knife down!”

“A …”

“Yolanda! Stop!”

“Toddler!”

“Oh my God, Yolanda. You stabbed me! I’m bleeding.”

“I’m not a toddler!”

“Call nine-one-one! I’m bleeding out here!”

“Not until you apologize for calling me a toddler! I’m a grown-ass woman!”

“Okayokayokay. You’re not a toddler. Just, please, call nine-one-one.”

“You call them! A toddler can’t use the phone.”

“Yolanda, … please … I’m bleeding … badly … please …”

*****

“How does the defendant plead?”

“Not guilty, your honour. He provoked me.”

“That, madam, does not give you the right to stab your husband to death.”