Dear Umi

'Where would one even start after almost a decade of being in no contact with her girl pal? If you are still using this email address, I am wondering if you haven't changed your username from that ridiculously long handle:

"difficultlikethespellingofubiquitous"

Or whether you have completely started over on a brand new email account that has never received hurtful emails from a "bestie" of twelve years. The memories have been creeping in quite a bit since Gloria drew her last breath two weeks ago. I would sincerely hope that she will find a way to read this email wherever she may be. Heaven, hell or simply rotting away inside the brown mahogany casket that cost us an arm and a couple of legs. Enjoying an eternal sleep (like you had always believed that's the fate of all humans); whilst I am drowning in a pool of sadness. Of course I am sad over the passing of the only mother I will ever have. It has always been just the two of us since Pat (the individual who identifies himself as my father) decided to skip town with my mom's most trusted confidant, her best friend Julietta.

But I would be doing myself a great deal of injustice if I did not admit that the real reason I am even typing this instead of finishing my school assignments isn't because of the aching inside my heart. A longing for a reunion. I am alone. After everyone had left and went back to their own homes after the funeral, mine has felt as empty as it looked. The curtains drawn, the TV off since the day I came back from the hospital with my aunt Nami. Remember her? Or rather, remember when we used to giggle and fall over at her large bras she hung to dry at the washing line before we grew our own breasts and her odd way of hiding her undies behind her washcloth.

The last time we stared at her private stuff on the line, she came out of the house in a fit of rage, cursing us out for not minding our litte girls business. She of course, chased you away and dragged me inside the house to scold me. My mother has never been very fond of you. I know why is that. Took me some time to figure it out but I eventually did. At that moment, she and her sister planted a firm warning about "friends like you".

"Never trust a friend, they will destroy your life if you allow them to!" Gloria bellowed

"Always be cautious around that one"

"I know a bad friend when I see one" Nami's voice echoed from the other room.

All this was a bit too much for me of course, I was only a nine year old girl being silly around her friend and always finding everything grown ups possess funny. I will confess though how at that moment, a seed about caution around friends was being planted inside my head indeed. You would destroy my life exactly how Julietta did to her friend. Hearing my own mother sobbing each night and developing an auto immune disease from all the stress made me realise that friendships weren't worth all this. I did not want to chuck you out though so I had to come up with a plan to stop you from coming to my house. Instead I decided I'd be the one to cover over to your house. I wanted to be the only good thing left in my mother's life.

Over the next couple of years, I tried introducing new friends that might get her stamp of approval. Well that did not work. In fact, she found fault in each and every friend I made. Sebastian had "the devil's eyes", Connie was surely stealing her Table Charm cutlery, Mercy was going to eventually bring boys into my life and Rosa was the one bringing bed bugs into our home.

"I am warning you Mila, they aren't good friends or influence to you" she wiggled her fat finger.

"There's no such thing as a true friend, always remember that".

So I turned all of them away quietly. I kept you around but at an arms length. I was cautious. When Gloria got retrenched at the biscuit factory, we fell into financial ruin. Patrick had also stopped sending in money to us. You somehow sensed that. The extra peanut butter sandwiches you'd pack into a zip lock bag and the delicious mini kitkat bars. I noticed too. The long embraces before I turned to my street every after school. You considered me, but I did not. The boy happened though he was never worth the rift. He came in between us. I had sent the email to you to hurt you, make you feel as ugly as I had felt when he asked you to be his matric dance date. A secret crush I was afraid to disclose.

How could you have known that I liked him? I doubt you possessed any telepathic talent. You had received the email, confronted me about it. I was ashamed and broken. What kind of a friend was I to you? You had then blurted out that you'd privately turned him down so that we could go to the dance together. "Does it matter now? You've ruined us. Over a boy!" Tears were streaming down your face. I wanted to hold you tightly, embrace you like how you used to embrace me. The damage had been done. I had no friends anymore at the end of our high school journey. I pushed every single one away. Built walls that were too high for them to reach. But you always had the key to the secret tunnel to my heart. Umi, you meant the world to me. I know I meant the same to you too at some point. I caused the apocalypse to both our worlds.'

"Failed to send. Email account turned into memorial/legacy account for: umistarinthesky@getmail.com: 26 August 2020"