Gone Away

CECE’S LIVING ROOM HAS BEEN THE SAME FOR TWELVE YEARS. From the yellowed wallpaper to the dingy brown carpet, end tables sticky with rings from cans and cluttered with used tissues and last week’s newspaper, right down to the armchairs whose patterned fabric hid stains of all kinds—it was all the same as when Julia ran through the front door with Cece after school, ready for their first ever sleepover. Julia thought of that day as she sat and stared at the only thing in the room that had changed throughout all these years: Cece’s framed school picture on the wall.

“She was so excited to start college with you.” Julia forced her eyes to make contact with the woman sitting across from her. Twelve years and even still, the discomfort had never gone away when Julia was near her.

“I was, too.” Julia tried to think of what people usually say in this situation. “I’m…sorry, Mrs. Monroe.” Mrs. Monroe stared at her with the look she always had reserved for Julia, her mouth set in with a deep frown. After she seemed to have enough of Julia fidgeting uncomfortably under her gaze, she shrugged and her chin trembled.

“I just wish I knew what happened to my baby.”

“I wish I knew, too.”

Since Cece had gone missing, Mrs. Monroe had been calling Julia over to visit more often. Julia had no idea why; the most they ever did was sit in this uncomfortable silence, Mrs. Monroe not liking the answers to her questions and Julia willing any way for the visit to end early.

Today, her prayers were answered when a knock came at the door. When Mrs. Monroe threw open the door to let the visitor in, she broke down into sobs.

“Oh, I thought you were her! I thought you were her!” the visitor, who Julia recognized as Cece’s neighbor and Mrs. Monroe’s friend Lorelai, pulled Mrs. Monroe into a hug and consoled her. Julia used their embrace as an opportunity to slip away to the one room she did feel at home in.

While most of her things had been taken away to their dorm room, some of Cece’s bedroom still remained: walls painted pastel pink, a handmade butterfly rug, her favorite books, clothes from before she could proudly buy her own, and a photoboard decorated with pictures of her and Julia (plus some of other friends where there was room). Julia looked fondly at each photo before her gaze fell onto the bare mattress. A wave of anger passed through her when she realized what was laying wide open on it: Cece’s diary.

“You guys are going to bed soon, right?” the two girls had been sitting on the floor, giggling and excitedly chattering before they were interrupted by Mrs. Monroe’s presence in the doorway. Their mouths snapped shut, looking up at the woman with big, guilty eyes.

“Yeah, we are.” Cece replied in a small voice.

“I don’t need you to have an attitude with me, Cece. I didn’t even want Julia to come over and now you two are staying up until one fucking a.m.”

“I’m sorry.” Cece mumbled. Mrs. Monroe hovered in the doorway; whether she was thinking of saying something more or waiting for Cece to speak to further her irritation was unclear. With some relief, the two girls listened to her footsteps down the hall before the muffled sound of her voice telling her husband their transgressions was heard.

Cece sighed and got up to shut the door.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked if I could come over.”

“It’s okay. I wanted you to.” Cece glanced at the alarm clock. “Are you tired yet?”

“A little…” they had done a lot of tag at recess today.

“Oh! I need to write in my diary!” Julia’s interest was piqued from hearing such a secretive item mentioned. Cece hurried to her closet to retrieve it—a pink hardcover book with puppies on the cover—from a hidden spot in her closet. “I’ve been writing everyday for a month. I have to keep up my streak.”

“Can I read some of your entries?”

“Yeah, you can watch me write today’s.” Julia scooted next to her, at the ready. “April 2nd, Friday…” Julia laughed,

“Your handwriting is so bad,”

“Shut up,” Cece said through a grin. “Today Julia came over after school and we had a sleepover!! We did a lot of friendship quizzes, which were easy because Julia is my BFF.” A proud beam spread across Julia’s face.

“We’re BFFFLs. Best friends forever for life,” she corrected.

“We’re soulmates,” Julia blinked. “We were meant to be friends, because there’s a string connecting us,” when Julia still didn’t appear to understand, Cece spread her arms out and demonstrated this string: “When two people are meant to be together, an invisible string of fate pulls them together until they finally meet. And then they can never be separated, either, because the string is too strong to break. They say it’s connected to your pinky. Look,” Cece held up hers as proof.

“I’ve never heard that before in my life,”

“I read it in my library book! You don’t see ours?” she wagged her pinky in Julia’s face, who laughed and pushed it away.

“Maybe we need to tie it together?” 

“Yes, let’s!” the two faced each other, pinkies in the air. “Pinky promise we’ll always be best friends?” Julia wrapped hers around Cece’s and shook it,

“I pinky promise we’ll always be best friends.”

Julia closed the book shut. It wasn’t the puppy diary from so long ago, but one she recognized as her eleventh grade diary, the last one she had kept. She hadn’t had time to keep up her streak once things got busy with college preparation in twelfth grade.

“I just had that out because the police needed to know if she had written anything…” Mrs. Monroe had appeared, swollen eyes watching Julia put the diary back where it belonged. Julia said nothing, only giving her a look. “Lorelai’s going to stay for dinner, but maybe you can come by later?”

“Yeah.” Julia brushed past her, tugging her knit cap over her short black hair and grabbing her book bag. Before she could run out completely, Mrs. Monroe appeared again.

“The police are going to have a press conference on Thursday at the church, then we’re holding a vigil afterwards, if you wanted to come?”

“Okay.” Mrs. Monroe nodded, her face suddenly appearing very soft and frail. Lorelai watched from the sofa.

“See you later, Julie.” she said with a smile.

“See you later.”

Without Cece there, there was no reason to stick around.

* * *

JULIA HAD BEEN HAVING SOME DIFFICULTY OPENING HEAVY DOORS LATELY. First it was the door to her and Cece’s dorm room, holding her breath to see if she had finally returned, then it was the door to the police station after she had reported her missing, and now it was the tall, sturdy wooden door to the church. She took a deep breath, preparing herself for what was to come and pulled it open.

She was expecting a select few from the Monroes’s circle to hone in on her tonight, but she didn’t expect it as soon as she stepped inside. They looked her up and down before turning away and nodding their heads, as if what they had assumed was just confirmed to be true. In the center of their posse was Mr. and Mrs. Monroe, eyes fixed on Julia.

She hurriedly slid into the first empty pew she saw. In perfect timing, the announcement the press conference was to begin quieted the murmurs in the room, only the sound of people shuffling to their seats echoing in the sanctuary. The Monroesand several police officers sat front and center, news camera trained on their table. Julia recognized some of the cops from when they had called her in a day after Cece never showed up from her weekend visit to her parents’.

That morning had been running on loop in Julia’s mind; from finding Cece’s bed empty, to Mr. Monroe’s dark, unblinking eyes boring a hole into Julia’s as the couple left interrogation, and to all of the officer’s questions meant to help find Cece that she could only answer ‘No’ to. If only Cece had told her where she was going, or had called out for help, if she really hadn’t been going anywhere…

Hearing Mrs. Monroe’s sniffling brought her back to the present. She must have been tearfully addressing the news camera for awhile now, thanking everyone for their support, claiming Cece was the light in her life. “Cece, if you’re watching this, please, please come home, baby girl. I’m praying so hard for you to return to us.” somehow, the words that moved everyone else only made Julia sick.

“Can I come over right now?” the message had startled Julia awake just as she was dozing off on another Tuesday night.

“You’ll have to climb in through the window if you want to come over this late haha.”

“Ok.” that perplexed Julia even more. She couldn’t just be sneaking out at night and walking all the way over here, could she? 

The answer was yes, yes she could. Cece climbed in through Julia’s window, making a soft landing on her bed. “You actually came?” Julia reached over to turn on the lamp. It brightened up Cece’s face, revealing dark blue eyes brimming with tears. “What’s wrong?” Julia immediately came closer to put an arm around her.

“I wish I didn’t have to live there anymore, Julia. I can’t take it anymore.” Cece choked out.

“What happened?”

“Oh, just the usual. My mom hates me and I don’t know why.”

“It’s nothing you do, Cece. She’s just…not a nice person.”

“But why doesn’t she love me? She’s my mom.” Cece leaned against Julia, who hugged her tighter. “All I asked was if I could go out with you and Bea to the mall. She started screaming at me and saying if I could deal with the consequences I can go running around doing whatever I want. I yelled back and went to my room, and the whole night she was screaming at my dad that I was so crazy I need to be put under protection.” Cece took a shaky breath, “One day I’m going to leave and I’m never going to come back. I can’t come back. I don’t know what they’d do to me.”

“You could live with me. My mom likes you.” Cece mournfully shook her head.

“I can’t stay here.” Julia didn’t know what else to say or do. She could only hold Cece close the rest of the night.

With the press conference ending, candles for Cece were lit, people now engaged in quiet, seemingly meaningful conversation. Julia remained in her pew with a growing resentment she had never felt the likes of before.

She watched Mrs. Monroe be encircled by friends and churchgoers, every word coming out of her mouth a drop of gasoline added to the fire growing within Julia. One thing, especially, Julia could not get out of her mind.

“She was always happy…yes, she had problems, but I always tried to be there for her. Then when she came back home, she just pushed me away. She was…different. Maybe it was the schoolwork. Maybe she had gotten into a fight with her roommate…”

As Mrs. Monroe came down the aisle after all her socializing, paying Julia a sideways glance, she couldn’t help the words she spat out of her mouth. She didn’t even try, really. “Cece and I never got into any fight.” Mrs. Monroe stopped in her tracks.

“Excuse me? I never said anything about you.” Julia stood up, shoulders squared back.

“She was doing fine with college. She was doing fine with me. She didn’t have a problem until she went to see YOU.”

“She was doing fine with you? Then where is she, Julia?! Since she loved you so much, why don’t you explain to me what exactly happened to my daughter, because frankly, it makes no sense!” Julia shoved past her and Mrs. Monroe followed to continue her tirade out on the church steps. “What was it, huh? Did she get a boyfriend? Could you not handle it and had to do something?!” she scoffed. “You never cared about her, Julia. Just wanted her all to yourself.” Julia froze. She felt her feet begin to pound under her, Mrs. Monroe’s smug face shakily growing closer and closer.

“I cared for her more than you ever did and ever will!” she staggered back, hearing her own voice echo down the street and in her ears. She suddenly felt very aware, looking around at the silence that followed from the onlookers.

“I never want to see you again.” Mrs. Monroe’s voice shook. “You ruined my daughter. You ruined my family. There’s nothing left for you to take.”

The two shared one last look of hatred before Julia turned on her heel, storming off into the night and fulfilling both of their wishes.

* * *

SOMEHOW, SEPTEMBER CAME TO AN END. October brought with it enough to do to distract Julia for a little while; her calendar filled up with due assignments, she attended her first (lowkey) party, found a new favorite cafe down the street, and was assigned a new roommate.

All of Cece’s things were put in a box.

Julia had placed each item in carefully, her fingertips tracing the memories they held before taking one final look and sliding the box under her bed. The only trace of Cece left in their dorm room now was a framed picture of them on Julia’s nightstand.

The same night, as she laid in bed and mindlessly played some mobile game, she received the surprise phone call that today brought her down the empty halls of her and Cece’s middle school, and to their favorite teacher Mrs. Kingston’s classroom. The seats just as they were years ago, Julia went straight to her old desk, where Cece had once sat on her right and would try to stifle her giggles from Julia’s jokes.

Mrs. Kingston came in not too long after. Her wispy orange hair was now grey, her hands a little bonier, but the warmth she held in her eyes was still the same. “Julia! I’m so happy you could make it!” she held out her arms and captured Julia in a hug.

Despite not seeing each other for so long, conversation came easily; of course Mrs. Kingston wanted to hear all about how college was going, and had plenty of stories to share of her grandchildren. For the first time in awhile, Julia felt like she was talking to a friend again. It wasn’t until Mrs. Kingston shifted to look at Julia intently that she remembered the circumstances. “How have you been doing?”

“…I miss her.” Mrs. Kingston smiled sadly,

“When she had visited me a few weeks ago, it made me think of how happy it used to make me to see you two—walking around in the halls, sitting next to each other in my class…anyone could see how precious your friendship was.”

“She visited you awhile ago?”

“She did. I was surprised—I walked in here and there she was, sitting at that desk. She told me about starting veterinary school with you.” as Mrs. Kingston began to prattle on about their visit, Julia’s mind drifted off somewhere else—to the place where Cece still remained, with all the inside jokes, late night talks, antics that probably should’ve gotten them detention, tears wiped away, the joyfulness of reunion after a school break apart. She didn’t realize her gaze had been drifting too, to something under the leg of Cece’s desk, something white and torn. A small scrap from a slightly bigger receipt—the rest probably long blown away in the wind by now. Julia glanced at Mrs. Kingston, who was more so talking to herself now, and slid the paper over with her dirty white sneaker.

On it was printed the letters: “MELBOURNE 5:00 A.M”.

“You did a good job on your report today.” it was a half day on a Friday; both Mr. and Mrs. Monroe were still at work, which meant the girls could turn on Cece’s small stereo and dance to whatever music they wanted.

“Thank you, you did a good job on yours, too!” Cece definitely had more dance moves than Julia, who resigned to watch her happily hop around. “I didn’t even know pangolins existed,”

“They’re super cool,” Julia said with a proud nod.

“Cooler than kangaroos?” Julia pretended to give this much thought, which made Cece laugh as she plopped down on the ground next to her. “You’ll be jealous when I’m in Australia and taking care of the kangaroos and wombats, I just know it,” Julia pouted,

“But I’ll be so lonely all by myself here.”

“Well, of course you’d come with me. I’ll need a roommate to help pay the rent,” Julia stared at Cece for a little while, enjoying the way she seemed so cheerful today. It reminded her of when they were little kids.

“Do you think we’ll still be best friends when we’re grown up?”

“Of course, we made a pinky promise, remember? And even if we’re not, we’ll always find each other. That’s what this string is for,” Cece held up her pinky, which Julia took in hers. “Just follow it back to me, and we’ll be together again.” Julia shook their pinkies lightly,

“I’ll always find my way back to you.”

“Julia?” the teacher’s voice brought Julia out of her thoughts. Mrs. Kingston chuckled, “You’re smiling all of a sudden, why?”

Julia shook her head, “I was just remembering something.”