95 Delta Bravo

“Sir your bag is over the size limit for a Carry On”

I was taking a flight from Cleveland to Fort Myers, Florida on one of those discount airlines, SkyJet after the Christmas Holiday cold to spend New Year’s Eve in Florida. I had paid for my seat, but not the early priority boarding pass.

“I’m sorry sir you will have to pay an additional $100 for your bag”

My backpack needed to fit in the metal box unit that passengers needed to insert to make sure it met their stringent requirements.

“But look it fits”

“Sir, it’s sticking up past the restricted area”

The ticket agent was a 40 something unattractive woman who smelled of loneliness and kitty litter and clearly enjoyed her position of power.

“Mam, it’s barely sticking up”

“Sir, I have other passengers that need to board, so please step aside or pay the fee”

“I’m sorry, but I’m doing neither. I paid for this ticket which included a personal item”

Her voice started rising like a playground monitor, unhappy that the children were having fun for their half hour of freedom on the restricted black pavement.

“Your bag is larger than a personal item, it’s a book bag “

“That IS my personal item “

“Sir don’t make me call security “

“Call whoever you want”

“Please step aside sir” She got on her phone and monotoned “Security to gate A10, we have a 95 Delta Bravo, I repeat, 95 Delta Bravo.”

“Were you passed over not getting picked for the jump rope team? Or were never asked to the prom?”

At that moment another attendant came to the gate to assist passengers boarding the plane. The passengers were getting irritable having to go around me to have their tickets validated to board.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you again to please step aside”

“Look I don’t have the extra money to pay this arbitrary penalty”

She pretended to be a courteous gate attendant to the other passengers as she scanned their tickets, “Have a nice flight” feigning a phony plastic smile.

Not expecting an answer, I asked, “Who does the money go to that you are attempting to extort from me?

Just then two overweight security goons showed up with their tasers and walkie-talkies.

The larger of the two, the one with the unkept hair, said “Is there a problem here?”

I said “Yes, this woman is being totally unreasonable trying to extort money from me"

“I informed this passenger that his bag was over the size limit, and he needed to pay the fee. He refused”

I interjected “I put the bag in that metal box contraption, and yes it was tight, but it fit. She’s trying to tell me that it was too big. She’s on some power trip and trying to shake me down for her kickback. These two inches will not compromise the flight”

“Sir those are the regulations”

“Those are NOT the regulations as people before me who had Elite status were waived. Also, that big black man was not asked. Why wasn’t he made to pay? I’ll put It back in again”

“That’s not necessary sir, please come with us” the shorter officer without hair, got on his walkie-talkie. “Escorting passenger to holding, we have a 95 Delta Bravo I repeat a 95 Delta Bravo.”

The woman gave a smirk in my direction, having seemingly won the battle of the bag size.

“That’s not necessary I said, “I’m leaving. Bravo, Bravo” I stared and clapped back at her.

I left the boarding area on my own recognizance and turned my head yelling back to the thieves, “I will never fly again on SkyTheft airlines”

At that point a man came up to me, tipping his hat brim saying, “You do know that’s a man, right? Well, it used to be a biological man. He/she is also an illegal alien.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” I said clearly annoyed.

“Well, I guess nothing to you. I’m just letting you know”

“How do you know anyway and why should I care?”

“Did you happen to catch the name tag?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact I did, I thought it a strange name Biddie, Boddie or something?”

“It was Bidena, you heard that right, Bidena.”

“Have we met before? What is your connection? Who are you?”

“She claims to be Donald Trump’s illegitimate son/daughter whatever. But we were able to collect a DNA sample and confirmed it is Bidens child not Trumps. We…”

“We? This is insane and stupid, and who are you again?

“My name is Haines, I’m with the FBI.” And he proceeded to flash a badge.

“There are a few of us in the bureau that have been trying to expose this ugliness. Joe Biden was connected to Jeffrey Epstein and it was on his private Island when…”

“Here we go...private island?” Yeah, I wanted to be on a private island alright.

“Yes, private island. Bidena’s mother was there and soon was impregnated. After her birth, her mother disappeared. We believe she was killed, and the baby Bidena was sent offshore to an Island on the St. Lawrence River in Quebec and raised in Canada, with a family whose history is just as unsavory…The Trudeaus.

“Look I’m just trying to get to Florida for New Year’s Eve and put this past year behind me. I’ll just buy another ticket from another airline. I don’t have the time or interest in your little espionage game. Wait a minute, did you say Trudeau?”

“This is not a game, this was a murder, we prefer you fly on SkyJet, as we want to film the interaction with that same agent ticket agent Bidena”

“If you have her DNA what do you need me for?”

“She is another type of agent. A double agent. She has something else we need, and we need your help in obtaining it.”

“What is it?”

“We can’t go into it now, please come with us and we’ll explain in a bit”

“Look what’s in it for me? I’m not heartless, and I’m sorry that someone died with your insane Trans-Tifa conspiracy theory, but I need to get down to Florida and get on with my own life and a better brighter coming New Year”

“Look this is about hiding a murder and about the abuse power and their belief they are above the law. This goes to the highest levels of government”

At that very moment two female TSA agents were physically fighting. They were pulling each other’s hair braids and extensions, screaming unintelligible words as a crowd soon gathered. The airport police finally showed up for their tug-o-war, including the two frumpy security goons who were at my gate debacle. I then spun 360 degrees and when I looked around, I found Haines and his partner were gone. They were nowhere to be found, having disappeared. My trust in the whole airport experience had also disappeared. I just wanted to vanish myself to the warmth and sunshine of Florida. As I walked to another ticket counter, I shook my head as to what had just happened. I hoped my wallet and mankind’s better angels would improve this coming New Year. If not, at least I’d be out of the cold in warm weather and for the near future, out of an airport.