Forgive Me

“Forgive me”

Cold sweat started engulfing me, drenching me in dread I avoid like the plague. There is no escaping this, it had to be said, and even if he wouldn’t say anything, wouldn’t engage, wouldn’t forgive me, wouldn’t change… I thought that I owed him at least that, some truth and honesty for sticking with me all these years, for staying besides me in times when I was repulsive…

“I can’t do it anymore, no I cannot, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I tried everything, I am nothing you are looking for, I am nothing you want me to be, you gave me everything and came back with nothing I am so sorry…”

Scorching tears started pouring down my face, barely able to look up, barely able to maintain eye contact with him, soon tears turned to streams and my body stated shaking from head to bottom with force I did not think I have, a stubborn lump in my throat formed and stayed there, blocking my way to words of reason, making futile of my efforts to talk myself out of this. There is no need to try anymore, no need to better myself, no need to claw myself out of the hole I dug.

I looked at the handful of white pills in my hand, wondering if they would fail me too. Then slowly raised them to my mouth.

What are you doing

You know what

No, what are you doing

Don’t try to talk me out of this

I am not

What

I am not trying to get you out of it, I hate seeing you like this, I always have, it’s awful, it’s exhausting, but what are you trying to achieve?

I want it all to end, I want to catch a break, to not exist anymore, I don’t want to feel anything anymore, most of the time I can’t anyways and the times that I do its horrible.

And what makes you feel horrible

Sometimes injustice towards me, but that is even easier than disappointment

Disappointment how

Me disappointing myself, with the way that I live, with the goals I fail to achieve, with the potential I waste down the drain, with the way I sabotage my success with dysfunction, with chronic laziness, and the way I disappoint everyone else, by not being enough, by not being what they ask me to be, by not being what they need me to be. I don’t know how to be anymore. The clock is ticking and I don’t know what to do to stop it, or to make my time worth it.

So, when you’re gone… are you going to be satisfied?

No, I won’t be, that’s the thing

And will the people you want to please be pleased?

No, probably more disappointed, or worse, validated

Then… why don’t you care about that?

I won’t be around to find out

Is it too hard not to care now?

I’d hurt them, see them hurt

But if you do it, you might hurt them tenfold

What am I to do then?

Don’t set expectations, don’t live to please, not everyone, not even yourself, praise every little good thing you do on a daily basis, celebrate the mundane, the small comforts, talk to mother nature, let her talk back to you, and don’t strive to do anything, not yet anyways, just exist, survive, and see where that might take you…

I can’t depend on anyone though, I have to do it on my own, pay for everything on my own

You already are doing that

But I can’t see it going anywhere, I can’t seem to be able to make it better, or be better

Then don’t, just be, and you already are doing most by being self-sufficient, just drop the anchor of shame and guilt and enjoy your walk with no destination. Who knows, it may take you where you can’t expect

But how can I know the way to go, how can I lead my life, and others?

That easy, don’t, that’s Almighty’s work cut out for you, just open you hand enough to let Him lead and leave all expectations behind, millennia ago a good day was a successful hunt, a shelter, and not dying from an animal attack or a disease, you’re good

But God needs better from me…

There are soft prayers you can do, not letting jealousy set, gratefulness, a small kind act, kind word, a blessing you say or a true prayer you can muster, your life doesn’t need to be a production, it just needs to be.

But everything is waiting more from me

At those times, remember you are giving them your existence which once you were thinking to take it away, that thought should save you;

Give it a try, give life a try, without the anchor of expectations, performance or goals, without the influence of those who brew ill in their heart for you, or those who want the best for you but with poor way of showing it, just give it a try, and you’ll be surprised by how much life feels lighter.

How can you say that?

What do you mean

You once had high expectations for me, you wanted me to go to the moon, take over the world, conquer mountains

I also wanted to fly and talk to animals but I grew up, I was a child, I did not yet know that merely living was an extreme sport, now I know, let go of my expectations too and just live and let life lead you to a better state, living in resistance will either keep you where you are or bring you backwards, let go of the stones you carry to stone yourself with and you’ll be surprised at how less painful living can become. I love you buddy; I want you to love you too one day.

With that, the pills went to the bin instead of my mouth, I have nothing to lose now, it can’t hurt to try, and just like that, I stopped staring at the mirror, washed my face and went to sit and continue this family reunion, it won’t last long, not forever anyways.