The View She Chose

Fourteen days before she decided to knock Trevor’s front teeth out of his head, Carly booked the cabin.

It wasn’t a dramatic decision. Just a quiet acknowledgment that something inside her had been running too hot for too long. Each day carried a slow, steady pressure, like a spark just beneath the surface waited for the right conditions before…boom.

The following week, the cabin was empty, so Carly packed her car, blocked her calendar, and took off. While maybe not dramatic, it was an unusual move. There was so much begging her attention, but Carly decided if she was going to lose it, if her head was finally going to explode, it might be best that she do it alone, in the quiet of her desolate cabin.

The cabin was quieter than she expected. Not peaceful, exactly, just void of sound. It felt like sound had been filtered out before it ever had the chance to arrive. The trees even moved without urgency, their branches shifting in slow, deliberate patterns that felt rehearsed.

Carly sat on the porch with a cup of coffee she hadn’t touched and a notebook resting on her lap. The notebook had been sitting in the kitchen drawer for years, wedged between takeout menus and a stack of unopened mail she had, at some point, intended to deal with. She used to journal, back when time felt more accessible, when she still believed there was something to capture, not just manage. Nowadays, most things either fit neatly into categories or forced to. Calendar blocks. Action items. Outcomes. Life must be structured, optimized, efficient, she reasoned.

Beyond the railing, the forest stretched farther than she could follow. It was dense and layered and green in a way that should have felt alive. Carly found herself focusing on one tree. The bark was blemished, split in long vertical lines, dark and uneven, with a knot near the center that caught the light differently. She traced it with her eyes, noting the way a single branch curved outward before disappearing behind another trunk. So much texture and color, even in a simple palette of greens and browns, there was such variety in shades that it was a wonder to her how God never ran out of crayons. She shifted her gaze, trying to take it all in at once, but the edges slipped, too much detail for her mind to focus on.

The notebook felt strange in her hands, light…too light. Maybe she was just accustomed to holding things that felt incredibly heavy. For a moment, she considered putting it back, sliding it into the drawer, leaving it there until she returned home and forgot about it again. Instead, she opened it. The blank page stared up at her expectantly. She reached for the pen that was tucked into the spine, hesitated just long enough to notice it, and then began to write. She had no great words of inspiration to pen, just a simple wish.

I need more time.

She stared at the sentence once she finished, her pen still hovering. It wasn’t complicated, or original. More time for what exactly? She didn’t feel like clarifying. Wasn’t it obvious? There was never enough time for anything. She closed the notebook, set it beside her chair, and took a sip of her coffee. It had already gone lukewarm.

Carly went inside to warm her coffee. As she pressed the buttons on the microwave, her phone dinged. She had not bothered to silence it, because although she was “away” from the office, she still had business obligations. Opening her email, she scanned the subject line. It wasn’t catchy but made her heart shift rhythm.

Rescheduled.

An important meeting had been pushed. No explanation beyond a brief apology and a note that they would “circle back”. She tried to call. Straight to voicemail. She set her phone down and took a sip of freshly warmed coffee. Another email dinged. Another meeting cancelled. Glancing at her Outlook calendar, it was as if an invisible eraser had just cleared out her entire next two weeks.

Sitting back in her chair on the front porch, the wood pressing lightly against her shoulders, Carly glanced toward the notebook. It hadn’t moved. Of course it hadn’t. Still, she found herself watching it for a moment longer than necessary, her eyes narrowing just slightly as if the pages might reveal something she hadn’t noticed before.

The cell phone buzzed. A call from her office. Trevor.

“Hi Trevor,” she said immediately.

“Hey Carly, sorry to bother you.” Her whole body tensed. No he wasn’t. He proceeded to ask a series of questions and gave her a short list of people who needed her attention. Her blood boiled as she glanced over the notes Trevor had put in for her clients. None of it was earth shattering. It could have waited, but she called the clients anyway.

As she was ending the final client call, her boyfriend, Rich, sent her a text. Of course he did.

The A/C fan has stopped. I called a repairman.

She text back. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.

She turned the page of the notebook. One last thought to write.

I just need quiet.

She closed the notebook, set it on the table, and stood to go back inside. When she did, her cell phone tumbled out of her lap and down the porch steps, landing screen side down on a rock at the foot of the stairs. She sighed. She had forgotten it was on her lap. Stooping down to retrieve it, a hummingbird whizzed by her ear, startling her. The phone slipped out of her hand and crashed face down again on the rock. The screen was smashed. Damn it. So much for a screen protector. The screen was shattered and unresponsive. Carly left it on the kitchen table while she made some breakfast.

By late afternoon, Carly had managed to read a third of her book, take a shower and a nap. Still, no calls, no texts, no emails. She tried to turn the phone on, but it was useless.

As Carly prepared to leave the cabin at the end of the week, she reflected on the best night’s sleep she’d ever had. She stirred restlessly, though, in anticipation of what she may be returning to. She sat in the chair on the porch and picked up the notebook for one final entry before she left. She considered several things but wrote just one.

I need more space and time alone.

She closed the notebook, slipped it into her bag, and locked up the cabin.

On her way home, Carly stopped for a bottle of wine and Rich’s favorite carrot cake. They hadn’t had a date night in quite some time. Mostly, it was her fault. She had been consumed with building the business and had been wound tight for a while. Date night hadn’t simply been erased from the calendar, it hadn’t ever been penciled in.

Rich wasn’t home yet when Carly pulled into the driveway. She loaded herself down with all the bags so she didn’t have to make more than one trip. Dragging herself up the front steps like a loaded down pack mule trudging through mud, she fumbled for the key from her purse. She swung the door open and flung her bags to the floor. She exhaled heavily and did a double sweep with her eyes around the room. What was going on? Were they robbed? Where was the easy chair? The TV…the dog?

“Pluto?” she called. “Hello? Come, Pluto!”

She ran into the kitchen, the laundry room, rushed to the bedroom, panicked. No Pluto. His bed was gone and so was theirs. With a sob, she leaned against the wall and slid onto the floor. She held her head. ‘Why?’ she wondered. ‘Why, Rich?’ she cried.

Pulling herself up off the floor, she went back into the kitchen. There was a note on the counter. Dare she read it? Damn it, why didn’t she stop for a new phone on her way back? The note simply read

Goodbye and good luck. I can’t keep waiting for you to love me back.

Rich

“What?” she breathed. She hugged the note to her chest. “I love you, Rich. I do love you.”

She ran to the spare bedroom she used as an office. She used her laptop to FaceTime Rich. He didn’t answer. She tried one more time. Still, no answer. She didn’t know if this could be fixed, she hadn’t ever been great at relationships. Was this because she threw herself into work? She did that well. And work would help her forget.

Carly noticed the house was eerily empty, but she was able to shave roughly 20 minutes off her morning routine. She used ten of those in her new journal. She wrote a bit of a reflection on her relationship with Rich. She couldn’t blame him for leaving her, but she needed to clear her mind, so she wrote it.

I need clarity.

Carly stepped into a busy office that morning and greeted her assistant, Leslie.

“Morning,” Leslie returned.

“What did I miss?” Carly asked.

“Oh, wow, where do I start?” Leslie asked nervously. “Maybe Trevor should get you up to speed.”

“Has it been that rough?”

“It’s been interesting,” Leslie said with a shrug.

Carly smiled slightly. “Ok.” She strutted the hallway to Trevor’s office. The IT guy was working at Trevor’s desk. Trevor squeezed a stress ball, talking up the guy from across the desk. “Hello,” Carly chimed.

“Good morning, Carly,” Trevor said. “You’re in early.”

“Yes, I figured there was plenty to catch up on.”

“You’re right about that,” Trevor replied. “We had some transfers out.”

“What? Why?”

Trevor stepped out into the hallway and stood squarely across from her. “Honestly?” he asked bluntly.

Carly didn’t necessarily love working with Trevor, but they had worked well together. “Yes, let’s hear it,” she replied.

“Well, they didn’t feel like you listened to them. You always seem so distracted or like you have one foot always out the door already.”

“What does that mean?” she asked.

“They didn’t feel like you gave a damn or respected them,” he answered.

“That’s not true! I don’t understand. How would they even have that idea? Trevor, you couldn’t do anything to salvage the relationship?” she questioned.

“No. And you couldn’t be reached. I can’t say that I blame them.”

“You don’t think I respect my clients?”

“I don’t think it’s intentional…”

Carly wasn’t sure how many shades of red her face must be, but she was boiling mad. “Trevor!”

The IT guy nervously asked if they wanted him to come back later.

“No!” Carly shouted.

“Carly, you are so consumed and obsessed with whatever your mind gets focused on,” Trevor said. “That’s probably why…” he stopped brusquely.

Carly crossed her arms and tilted her head. “Why what?” she demanded.

Trevor frowned and then inhaled sharply. “Well…probably why Rich left you.”

Carly threw her bag and purse to the floor. “What do you know about that?” she snapped.

The IT guy carefully slipped through the doorway, eyeing them closely as he squeezed past.

“I know enough,” Trevor said.

“Trevor, I don’t think that’s really your…” Leslie attempted to intervene.

“Spill it!” Carly commanded. “Obviously he talked to you and not me.”

“When was he supposed to talk to you?” Trevor made it an accusation more than a question.

“When couldn’t he talk to me?” she asked.

“Ever!” Trevor shouted. “You are like talking to a brick wall!”

That was it. Carly couldn’t take another word out of his smart mouth. Before she could give a second thought, her fist found Trevor’s mouth. She punched his face as though she wanted her hand to come out the other side of his head.

Trevor grabbed his face and stumbled away. Carly was in as much shock, if not more. “Oh my gosh, Trevor! I’m sorry!” she shrieked.

He couldn’t speak, but held up a hand up to her, asserting that she better keep her distance. Leslie checked him out. There was blood…a lot. He still had all his teeth, though Carly had tried to knock them out. Carly studied her hand. Her knuckles were already puffing up. She wondered which suffered more, her hand or his face?

“I’m out of here,” Trevor said. “I can’t work with you anymore.”

“Surely you don’t mean that,” Carly called after him.

“Clearly I do,” he answered, snapping up his keys.

Carly closed her office door and sank into her chair. Her eyes narrowed toward her bag. The notebook! She opened the notebook-turned-journal to the last entry.

I need clarity. Trevor’s words rang out.

No! It couldn’t be. She read over other entries.

I need more time. Meetings cancelled. Clients left.

I need quiet. Phone broken.

I need more space and time alone. Rich and Pluto, gone.

It’s coincidence…right? There’s no way that stupid journal had anything to do with this.

She couldn’t think. Her mind and heart both raced a million miles a minute. Chewing on her thumbnail, she decided to test her theory. She turned the page and wrote…

I need control.

She closed the notebook and waited. Moments of quiet. Good. Her breathing steadied and her mind cleared. She felt the tension in her shoulders melt. Opening her computer, she expected to see a hundred or more unread emails. Surprisingly, there were none. She made calls to clients. There was no friction or debate, each responded exactly how she had hoped. Amazing, she thought. A couple of hours without a knock on her door, incoming call, or email. She never heard from Rich. None of her friends had called back, either.

At lunchtime, she asked Leslie about Trevor. No word.

The day passed by pleasantly smoothly. At her workout class, all the usuals showed up, class began and ended precisely on the hour. She struck up a conversation with one of her friends as they left.

“I cannot believe that Rich just left,” Carly told her.

“I’m not all that surprised, Carly. I mean, you’re a lovely person, but you kind of checked out on life a long time ago.”

“What do you mean? I love my life. I have a successful business, a house I love, a wonderful boyfriend and sweet puppy. I run a very structured routine so that I can squeeze in every bit of life possible.”

“I think that’s how Rich felt. You were just squeezing him in to your version of an ‘optimized’ life.”

Ouch.

Carly sailed through a couple more frictionless, but unexciting days until her Birthday arrived. The morning began as any other day. She pulled up to the office and expected to be greeted with a Happy Birthday, balloons as usual, and maybe cake or at least donuts.

After dropping her things in her office, she went back out into the lobby to Leslie’s desk. “Good morning, Leslie.”

“Good morning,” Leslie replied.

Carly waited. “Any lunch plans today?”

“No.”

“Would you like to go to the bistro across the street?”

“Sure.”

“It’ll be my treat. For my birthday.”

“Oh yeah! Happy Birthday,” Leslie smiled.

“Thank you.”

Carly returned to her office. She consulted her notebook. The past few days had been pretty great, but totally uninteresting and well, now that she thought, a bit creepy just how predictable it all had been. Except, she did kind of expect some sort of element of surprise for her Birthday.

After lunch, she told Leslie she would be gone again for a few days. The cabin was vacant again, luckily, and she needed to sort through some things.

She poured a glass of wine and rocked on the front porch for a while sorting her thoughts. Her heart felt as though it had been shredded into packing paper. She missed Rich. She missed Pluto even more. A perfect life wasn’t without pain. And how could she have let Trevor get to her so badly? Was there an element of truth to what he had said? With shaky hands and trembling heart, she yanked the notebook out of her bag.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

She slammed the cover closed and tossed it to the porch floor. Staring out at the trees, she studied the one with the blemish again, the one that had caught her interest before. She wondered how it changed as the sun set. Her mind would not let go of that tree. Nothing else interested her. For dinner, she grilled chicken, but it had no flavor. She hoped she wasn’t coming down with something. Laying in bed for hours, she wondered how she could be so mind-numbingly bored? At least she was calm and her mind wasn’t racing.

Her foot brushed against the notebook. She thought about her entries and how easy life seemed, but how flavorless it had become. Nothing resisted her anymore. Without resistance, there was nothing left to push against. There was nothing left to lean against, either. Had she written everything out of her life that had any meaning?

There was a whole forest before her, yet she could not take it in past the one blemished tree.

She decided to make one more, final, journal entry.

I want life to be as it should be.

She gently closed the cover and stuck the pen back into the spine. Nothing happened. Did she expect some grand godly gesture, a whoosh of wind, a rainbow, a phone call? She sighed and stared at her tree. The view blurred with a misty rainfall. The sun peeked through the cloud cover, and she noticed an expanded mix of oak and pecan trees to either side of the blemished pine she had been so focused on. Carly smiled as the forest began to stir under the canopy of rain. What a stunning view.