Hello and Goodbye

*Note-this piece contains mentions of sex and has some curse words.

Salty tears carved canyons on her cheeks.

Short, black whiskers hesitantly sniffed at her face. Cesar’s canine nose sniffed and gently licked a tear that almost escaped over the crest of her chin.

Where had things gone so wrong?

Sydney glanced around the room, remembering the artifacts that represented two lives coming together. The rickety mirror he rescued from the trash – sans the mirror- had clashed with the simple, modern bedroom.

Tony and Sydney had been dating for two years and moved in just under a year of being together. The merging of two homes proved challenging and exhilarating. A soft sign escaped her mouth thinking about how excited she was to inherit a coffee grinder when they moved in. Somehow grinding beans at home created this bougie satisfaction within her soul.

They had met online. Both were just about to give up on the online dating scene when they both swiped right. Their first date lasted an entire day, beginning with breakfast and ending with ice cream. This chocolate man drank mimosas and made her laugh. He devoured ice cream like it was a hobby. Tony was openly affectionate all day, lightly kissing her hands and looking at her with those beautiful eyes. Damn, he was sexy.

“How could your ex-husband let you go?”

Her dog shifted in Sydney’s lap. Another tear escaped.

Early on, days were filled with passionate sex and good food. This man had never met a sweet he could not deny.

“Tony-did you eat the last of the rice crispy treats!!???”

Things were not perfect. The couple experienced common fights about chores and cooking. In those moments cracks began to appear in the way they communicated. And then…

“I was laid off.”

Sydney found herself as the breadwinner, holding it down with promises that he would pick up odd jobs to cover his portion of the expenses. Money coming in was sporadic and Sydney ended up having to cover the majority of rent each month. He secured a few interviews that were dead ends. The bills continued to pile up.

“I know that it is a difficult time, and I know you are trying to find a job. I am just really stressed out about having to cover all the costs. I am getting neck stingers due to stress, Tony. I need you to check in with me each month to see how I am doing emotionally due to the financial issues.”

Some good sex and some quality cuddle time helped ease the stress momentarily, yet she remained feeling lonely and unappreciated. Sydney fell behind on her own bills as she was forced to focus on paying the rent, groceries and utilities.

He was so good about making promises and plans and never following through.

Cesar jumped off Sydney’s lap and padded into the closet, his nails lightly clicking on the worn, vinal floor. He reappeared with a purple, fuzzy sock in his mouth-Tony’s sock.

“Your dog is so spoiled. If you gave me an ounce of affection that you give him…we would have no problems.”

The fights became more frequent. The power bill was $500 behind and sex…dried up like the Sahara Desert and yet…glimmers of hope poked through the rugged landscape of their relationship. Tony was able to call her on some of her own behaviors and helped her reflect. This Scorpio baby was not perfect. Sydney decided to return to her EMDR therapy.

“Sydney-You will figure out when the time has come to walk away. You two are the only ones who can choose to fix this and move forward or end things.”

He had secured a warehouse job.

Sydney jabbed her pointer finger into her jawbone. A phantom pain surged through her jaw. The external stresses of the relationship had taken physical and internal roots throughout Sydney’s body. She had begun to suffer from TMD (Temporomandibular Disorder), causing her jaw muscles to tighten and cause nightly teeth grinding.

“How could you get the TIMES WRONG? You mean to tell me YOU MISSED YOUR ORIENTATION TONY? It was at this moment a private vow was made.

Sydney snatched the sock from Cesar’s mouth and chucked it back towards the closet. She pulled him back into her lap for a snuggle. His doe-like eyes peered up at her and love flowed through Sydney’s body.

“YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD HAVE ALL OF THE RENT. YOU HAVE BEEN GONE EVERYDAY WORKING. WHERE IS THE MONEY GOING? I CANNOT KEEP DOING THIS… AND I CANNOT COVER ALL OF OUR EXPENSES.”

He began sleeping on the couch. Cesar slept with Sydney and kept the bed warm. They moved throughout the house as strangers, maybe muttering a few words to one another daily. Sydney was tired of always being the bridge of communication and stubbornly, yet silently, refused to initiate.

This pattern repeated itself for two weeks. On the third week, Sydney was set to visit a friend in Oregon for a long weekend. Her parents agree to babysit Ceasar, and she felt good knowing that he had their dogs to bully and play with.

“My parents are going to drop me off at the airport and pick me up when I return.”

The green spaces of the Oregon nature helped to sooth her sad soul. Tony and Sydney barely spoke, and all messages were through text. The four days went quickly.

When Sydney’s parents dropped her and Cesar off, she could sense something was amiss. Opening the door, confirmed her feelings. Some of Tony’s belongings were gone from the living room. After ditching her suitcase, she went to their bedroom. The bed was gone (it was his), the piece of shit mirror was gone, and his closet was cleaned out. Moving to the kitchen she explored cabinets to see he had packed up all his kitchen wares.

Damn. He took his coffee grinder.

Fuck that coffee grinder.

She laughed to herself. Ceasar was fast asleep in her arms.

The shock of coming home to a partially empty house was still reverberating through her body weeks after returning and varied emotions rolled through Sydney by the day.

It was on those good days when she thanked Tony for giving her soul this gift of peace once again.