Who’s afraid of the dark

            Who’s afraid of the dark 

    “Who’s there”……..”leave me alone”…..”No..No…………No”,

    “Shhhhhh”……… the nurse whispered angrily, to this particularly noisy patient, which for her was an annoying introduction to her nightly nursing duties, and I wasn’t too enamoured by being woken up myself, because I had only recently managed to get to sleep; If there is an ‘art’ to sleeping, then my effort was an abstract affair, and I found sleeping very, very difficult in the nighttime’s, especially in hospital, because the nurses put you into bed ‘just after’ lunchtime, and trying to master, ‘that much’ sleep in a day, for a 24 year old young man, was very difficult!

    The nurses were always busy in this ward, and the ‘sleeping hours’ would not mean quieter, and calmer times, and in fact, they seemed busier, and sleeping all through the night, without disturbance was a rarity that I was yet to enjoy! 

    This frantically loud bellowing, came from a gentleman who must have had a ‘split personality’, because during the daylight hours he was very calm and quiet, and when he did speak he was quiet(“he was probably saving his voice for the evening’s tirade”!)’Bless him’ though really, because he must have been traumatised so badly in this present time, or in his past life, to warrant these mental attacks, or maybe he was experiencing a future World, and another lifetime?

    “As the nurse tried to silence, and calm the bellowing man, she also faced an unnecessary, and an unwanted vocal collection of abusive behaviour(“to go forth and multiply would be a politer version”!), and this was followed with a collection of rude, and improbable suggestive names, that I couldn’t envisage the nurses willingly change their Christened names to, and these names mostly began with the word  ‘STUPID’, which was then accompanied with a selection of words, that ranged from farm animals, to being of illegitimate conception! For some ‘newly qualified’ members of the nursing staff, then it might have been a significant dent in their armour, but for those who have more experience, then it was probably like ‘water off-of a ducks back’, perhaps! 

    I consider myself to be very fortunate, because I returned to life from a probable death, after suffering a brain haemorrhage at the ‘very end’ of 1992, which was then considered to be quite improbable, and very rare, especially because the depth of the ruptured vein was situated at the base of the brain, which was close to the spinal cord, and what I experienced, whilst I was in a ‘deep’ coma, if I had a voice to try to explain it, would have probably warranted the remarks that “he’s delirious, or mad”, or “he’s delusional”, and “he’s talking gibberish”, but fortunately it wasn’t possible for me to physically talk about it, because I had no voice, and, at that time it was unexplainable, and unimaginable for those with ‘sound minds’ to digest, and to comprehend!

     It’s much easier for people to dismiss the thoughts, and the claims of an ‘after-life’, despite having convincing memories, and feelings of having a past existence, which might have influenced some decisions, trends and ideas in this lifetime, but it’s easier to dismiss these thoughts as being said by someone who is mentally unstable, or completely ‘nuts’!

     My visions were never revealed, until I felt that I could justify them, which took several years, and they began with my eventual marriage to my Fiancee, who, even at the age of twenty one years, stayed by my side, and we made it ‘down the church aisle’, which was another vision that I had seen, and it was as though I was seeing these images through the eyes of an observer! 

     That day began, very unlike the images that I had seen, and we didn’t have the expected sunshine, and we instead had thunderstorms, which is where those visions were briefly dismissed, because the visions that I saw were of us walking out of the church in sunny, and hot conditions, and confetti was being thrown above our heads as we departed, but it continued to rain heavily as I welcomed guests into the church, and the sky remained dark grey, as I disappointingly entered the darkened church;

I had no concerns, ‘at all’, about our actual marriage, but more about the walk to the car afterwards, because the rain was brutally fierce-some, and our walk to the car after the ceremony, would mean that we were going to get soaked! 

    The images that I had seen of our marriage, were in bright sunshine, and so doubt and disappointment was in my mind, and as the rain continued to fall, and when the guests were all seated inside, then I could finally go inside the church, where it was much warmer than in the entrance hall,  and I remember viewing the stained glass windows, which weren’t gleaming with different colours, and they were now dark panes of glass, with many different shades of dark grey, that were emphasised by bold and black borders, which were framed with lead strips!

    The disappointment with the weather didn’t last long, because I would soon be joined at the altar by my bride, and during the ceremony those, once drab stain glass windows, suddenly became alive with colour, which was observed by both of us, and our smiles were of great relief and joy!

     As we left the church we were greeted with brilliant sunshine, that was so hot that it burn’t my Uncle’s bald head!

     It greatly complimented the occasion, and the gloomy forecast was joyfully wrong, which would be fantastic, because we were having a garden party on the following day, and the weather forecast had dramatically, and joyfully changed, from being hideously wet, to being a sunny and hot weekend, and then we were going away on our honeymoon, which, unfortunately, could  not be as planned, because of my sudden disability, and my vulnerability, and our intended visit to Rome, became a wet week in Stratford-Upon-Avon! We had had our weekend of surprisingly hot weather, and it was as though the sky was storing it up, because the week afterwards was one of the wettest that England had recently experienced!

     We had had our good fortune, which had complied to the visions that I had seen, and I saw no other visions, especially with regards to our honeymoon, which, if I had seen them, then they might have influenced a change of destination, or a change of date, because the contrast with the weather was unbelievable, and our, unexpected, and the very hot, and sunny weekend of celebration, was unfortunately concluded with torrential rain!

     The importance with the dramatic weather change, really emphasised, for me, that the visions that were seen, whilst in a comatose state had authenticity, and I couldn’t believe how accurate they were, but I would keep these visions to myself, and many of them, like my wedding became true! ‘God, certainly was shining down on us’, during that weekend!

     Visions were experienced by my elder brother, when he also became very ill, and he also ‘fell’ into a coma, but I believe that his was much deeper than my one, because he also saw visions, and when the surgeons managed to resuscitate him, then he was not happy saying “what did you do that for, I was in such a lovely place”! So, his visions were bigger and brighter than mine, and he saw more, which made his funeral less upsetting, because I knew that he returned to that ‘lovely place’!

      Several images that were experienced, have come true, which have strengthened the belief that their is a God ‘up there’, so when I see people/players performing the sign of the cross on their chests, and then they give a thought/prayer to the sky above them, then I believe that they’re not ‘wasting their time’, but God has given them this opportunity, and how they perform is their responsibility, so hopefully they’re thanking God for giving them their abilities! 

     Some images that I saw are exactly what I had seen, but saying “I thought that event would happen”, especially after the event, were usually, and quickly dismissed, which was annoying, but understandable I suppose, even though it makes your words sound stupid, and insignificant!

     Maybe in those earlier years, I should have ‘put my money where my mouth was’, and made a few bets, because the odds of teams, or individual players to win, would have resulted with me being a rich man, but since I’ve had that idea almost all of those psychic thoughts have gone, and I can be unreliable ‘in terms for betting’ now!

     ‘Even though’ I feel that I can justify these visions, which might be of interest and intrigue for some people, it’s treated as an ‘idea’, rather than, what I believe is fact, which is frustrating, and I was pleased to watch a science programme that concerned the ‘birth of the Universe’, which began in a still the black ‘atmosphere’, that was dramatically awoken by a humongous sphere of fire, and there is no explanation or evidence as to how it appeared, but our early cave-men used to worship the light of the star, that was the sun, and above it- “did they know something we didn’t”?

      MEANWHILE, back in the hospital, those involuntary, and disturbing interludes of sudden shouting, brought back those memories of my earlier times in hospital, that were in a ward that had a disturbed, and very vocal patient in it, who could have mentally revisited his past, or perhaps by revisiting those moments in your present life that were purposely avoided, and your dreams/nightmares are showing you what would have happened, if you had experienced those events- (“the silence, and the darkness of the evenings' is sometimes idle time for your mind to be active, with some disturbing thoughts, that also have accompanying images”!)

   “Where does your mind go, when there’s darkness all around,

    when only a dim light accompanies the wards mixture of sound,   

    Voices scream out, and some loud snoring can be heard, 

    there is a lot of ‘dubious air’ released, but nobody says a word”!

    You have time to think, and too much, “some people might say”,

    when death is in your mind, and disturbing thoughts come your way,

    “Are our minds tortured by past, or present events, or are we seeing 

    the future ahead-

    when we shout-out involuntarily, whilst we’re in our hospital bed”!

    “But, the demons that you see, must have an address or a place,

     I remember their silhouettes, but I never saw their face”! 

    “These demons are nocturnal, so during the day where do they go,

     I have an idea, so please read my story below”.

         “When you’re so close to death, your mind wanders further into the deep eerie darkness, and you see images that need to be thought about, and justified firstly, before you reveal them to this world, otherwise you could be immediately condemned as being mentally affected, or mad”!

     There was a confusing display of images, that could only be seen by me, in that deep darkness, and my mind ventured deep within my soul, and for many patients, the patients who suffer with traumatic episodes, then they could be experiencing their past, with a mixture of the present, and their minds could be concocting a future result, which only their mind would have been able to witness?

     Our dreams could also be influenced by what we see, and some dreams may appear to be ‘beyond strange’, which could delve really deep into your soul, and what they’ve produced doesn’t look good to the patient, and it never really sounds too good either!

     I dreaded the darkness of the night, and I resisted closing my eyes, until, I was physically unable to keep them open, which was usually when the dawn light broke through the curtains, and at last I felt safe!

    I could clearly remember my past life, and I lived through its ending once again, which was abrupt, and when I eventually opened my eyes again, after being in my coma, I was stunned by what I saw- “this wasn’t right”! 

I had expected to see nurses, but not dressed like this! Who were these women, without head/hair coverings, without pristine dresses which had aprons on them, and nor were they wearing standard black shoes? These nurses wore long casual blue jackets, with, ‘what men wear’, trousers, and an assortment of dark footwear, which was a big surprise! 

    Will this current lifetime influence our next lifetime, and are we expecting it to get worse?

‘At this point’, and before I continue my story, can I make it very clear that I don’t represent, nor do I favour any particular religious group, and I am merely a housebound disabled person, who is expressing some thoughts, and I do believe in God, and hopefully my stories endorse that fact, and justify why I have this belief!

    Hopefully my reasons are believed, but if not then just ignored, rather than feeling the need to commit violence upon me!

    Those loved ones around me still have their own ideas and thoughts, which, when they’ve committed a ‘wrong’, conveniently say “I don’t believe in God”, which makes your views and reasoning seem pointless and worthless, and that makes me feel stupid, but with the advances that are made in Space exploration, the reasoning behind the formation of the planets, and then the existence of life itself being created, that was my saviour, and that information came from a Scientific Space programme, and many new editions of scientific books, that ‘left the door open’ to my thoughts, and helped me to justify my belief, which concerns the birth of the Universe!

Before, there was total darkness, an indescribable ‘nothing’, except for this colour that we now call black, and then from within the darkness, and in a downward arc, came a humongous globe of fire, and this humongous sphere of fire exploded in one direction, which created billions or trillions of galaxies, and since mankind was created, and mankind has developed further, there have been violent debates, and conflicts, about from whom did this original sphere come from, that was the creator of this World! I am fully aware that having any religious views can cause conflicts, but I share them to reassure those who do believe in God!

    ‘Not being believed’ was expected, which is concerning for the future, and my thoughts, and ideas had greater emphasis, when I had watched this scientific programme, that concerned the birth of the Universe! It’s difficult to argue against a scientific probability, and it was so satisfying, because it endorsed my ideas and the possibilities!

     So, with confidence in my theory, I feel that I can justify myself to those who try to belittle me, and those who try to make you feel stupid, because I had experienced something, thought unique at that time of that decade, and what I say is factual and is convincing to me!