Anna's Choice

Anna opened her eyes. She grabbed her phone and it read 2:13 am. She just woke up from a dream about her mom who had passed away earlier that day. She lied there wide awake and relived those final hours with her.

Anna had spent the last few nights with her mom sleeping on an air mattress by her bed. Really, she just lied there listening to her mom breathing and waiting. When her mom found out that she only had a few weeks left, she said she didn’t want to die in a hospital and made Anna promise to bring her home. She made that promise and kept it. She sat next to her bed holding her hand in the quiet apartment. The only other person there was a nurse that the hospital had sent to be there to monitor her. She walked into the room and took her vitals and told Anna that it wouldn’t be too much longer and that she might want to think about saying her goodbyes. Since there was not much privacy in the studio apartment, the nurse told Anna she was going to get some fresh air and went outside. Anna looked at her mom and her head was tilted to the side so they were facing each other.

“I don’t know how to do this. I don’t want to do this. I’m angry. Angry at God for not answering my prayers. Angry at the doctor’s who should have convinced you to keep fighting even after they tried everything they could. Angry at you for giving up even though I knew you were tired and your body couldn’t take anymore. I know being angry is stupid and I’m angry at myself for being angry at you.”

She took a deep breath and tried to regroup and organize her thoughts. This was hard. The hardest thing she has ever had to do.

“Mom, the day we found out you had cancer the doctors didn’t have much hope. I thought I was losing you then. But because you were a fighter and the doctors were willing to fight with and for you, I was given five more years with you. I didn’t take that time for granted. I spent as much time as I could with you and I was by your side for every treatment. I don’t have any regrets. I know you started to get tired and discouraged when treatment after treatment wasn’t working. I can’t say I understood but I respected that it was your choice to make to stop. I think I’ve just been in denial about all of this. Hoping it was a bad dream that I would wake up from. But it’s not and you’re going to die and I am going to lose my mom.”

Anna laid her head on her mom's hand and cried. She wasn’t sure if the tears were going to end but she picked her head up and looked at her mom's face. She looked peaceful and when Anna touched her cheek, she knew she was gone.

“Goodbye, mom. I love you. I know I’ll see you again someday.”

The nurse came back in and confirmed that her mom had passed. She asked if she needed a few minutes alone and she said she didn’t. The nurse said she needed to make a few calls. Anna walked outside and broke down.

Her thoughts turned to the dream she just had. She was sitting by her moms bed holding her hand just like she had done earlier in the day. Her mom was facing her except her eyes were open. She was looking at her and it was almost like she was trying to tell her something. She wanted to ask but she couldn’t talk and then she woke up. With that swimming around in her head, Anna knew she wasn’t going back to sleep so she turned on the TV. She didn’t expect to find anything good on, she just needed something to distract her from her dream. She landed on a true crime show and tried to focus. A man was telling a story about how his father ended up being a murderer. There were plenty of signs but everyone ignored them. Eight people died and the son blamed himself. She thought about her own dad whom she had never met. She tried asking about him but her mom always pushed it away and said that it wasn’t worth the conversation. There were no pictures that she could find and she couldn’t look him up because she didn’t even know his name. To her he was a ghost. It never really bothered her all that much and Anna felt like if he hadn’t tried to find her after all these years than she didn’t need him in her life. She needed to focus because tomorrow was going to be difficult. Anna had to go through her mom’s apartment but thankfully she wouldn’t be doing it alone. Her best friend, Sam, was going to help her. Sam loved Anna’s mom and her mom felt the same way about her. Sam used to make her mom laugh so hard she would snort. She loved hearing her snort when she laughed. It was one of the things she was going to miss the most. She turned her focus back to the TV where there were new people telling a different story.

Anna was sitting at her kitchen table later that morning ready to go when Sam called to say she was on her way. She was nervous for some reason. She didn’t really want to have to do this but if she didn’t there was no one else who could. Sam was going to drive so they could use her truck. Anna was waiting outside when Sam pulled up and she immediately got out to give her a big hug. They both started to cry and just stayed holding each other for while. It felt good and she didn’t really want it to end but Anna pulled away and wiped her face.

“Hi.” Anna said.

“Hi. Are you ready for this?” Her best friend responded.

“No, not really but I can’t wait because the new renters move in next week.”

“Let’s get going then.” Sam said with a sad smile. On their way to the apartment, Anna told Sam about the dream she had.

“I’m not surprised. I mean it was still fresh.”

“Yeah, but the way she was looking at me made me feel like she was trying to tell me something.”

“What?”

“I don’t know.” Anna looked out the window as she said this. They didn’t talk again until they got to the apartment.

The apartment felt different when she walked in this time. It felt lonely and cold. Anna didn’t like it. This studio apartment was all her mom could afford, especially after she couldn’t work anymore due to the cancer treatments. She received disability but it was barely enough to get by. Anna had suggested they try to live together but her mom enjoyed her space. The living room was also the bedroom and the office. It’s where everything her mom had ever owned was kept. After her mom decided that she wouldn’t be doing anymore treatments, she went through a lot of it herself. She said the important stuff was in tote in the closet. In the tote were a few photo albums of when Anna was a kid. Holidays, birthdays and random days were captured on Polaroid pictures, all of which she had seen a hundred times. She put the photo album aside and kept pulling things out. There were a couple of old books that she knew her mom would read over and over again because they were her favorites. There was a small jewelry box that had a bracelet that Anna had made for her for Mother’s Day when she was little and what looked to be a small diamond engagement ring. That was something she had never seen before. She put it in a separate box and continued looking through the tote. There was nothing else she felt she needed to take out and put the lid back on. It would go into the storage area at her apartment. The desk had already been cleaned out by her mom and there was a manila envelope sitting on it. She put envelop with her purse and would go through it later.

“How’s it looking in there?” Sam called from the kitchen. “I’m pretty much done packing things up in here. What are you going to do with these dishes?”

“I’m thinking of donating them, mom would have wanted someone to have it who really needs it.” They started loading the few boxes and tote that she had in the back of Sam’s truck. When they were done, Anna looked at the truck sadly. 51 years of life and this is all there was to show for it. Anna went back into the apartment one last time to make sure she had everything. Kitchen cabinets were empty, empty hangers were the only things left in the closets. Her mom had already taken care of having the furniture donated. Someone would be coming for that tomorrow. The hospital bed was picked up early this morning; they were quick about that. It looks like that was everything. She walked out the door for the last time and locked it.

At home that night, Anna was looking through the items she put aside that she didn’t want to go into storage. She held the small ring in her hand and wondered what its story was. She had never seen her mom wear it, in fact the only jewelry she ever saw on her was a pair of gold hoop earrings. There was nothing particularly special about the ring, it wasn’t gaudy and the gold had scratches from wear. Maybe her dad had given it to her. She put the ring in her jewelry box. It had been a long day, and Anna was exhausted, so she got herself ready for bed. That night the dream came again. Her mom’s eyes were open, and she was looking at her with that same look except this time there was a small white envelop with Anna’s name on it in her hand. She woke up. It was 2:13 am. She got up knowing that she would not be able to go back to sleep. She walked out into the kitchen and saw the manila envelope sitting on her kitchen table with her keys and purse. She pulled out the contents and laid them on the table. There were bank forms that she had signed giving her control over her moms account. There was a simple will stating what was to be donated and where and the rest was left to Anna. She didn’t have a lot but she wanted to make sure it was all taken care of. There were some insurance forms and other medical documents. Things that she would keep for a while in case she needed them. She went to put the papers back in the envelop and noticed that something else was in there. She reached in and pulled out and small white envelop with her name written on it. It was just like the one in her dream. She quickly opened it and read the letter inside.

My Dearest Anna,

If you are reading this, well I’m sure you know what that means. There is so much I want to say to you but I’m very tired so I’ll do my best to say what needs to be said. First, and most important, I love you. Since the first time I held you in my arms and looked into those beautiful eyes, I have loved you. I tried my best to give you the world but there were just some things I couldn’t give you. I am truly sorry for that. I look back on the time we had and I find joy in the simple things. The tea parties when you were little, you sharing your day with me as we would walk home from school together and the countless laughs we had while just being silly together. I hope some of those memories are some of your favorites too. I am so proud of the woman you have become. You have taken on the world and you are humble and show empathy and compassion to every one you meet. You have been by my side and fought along side me during this last journey and I can’t begin to thank you enough for it. You have been my rock and the reason I didn’t give up. I didn’t want to give up but, in the end, I'm just exhausted and I long for peace and an end to this pain. I hope you can come to terms with that someday.

One more thing before I get some rest. I know I never talked about my life before you or your dad. It was simply because everything that happened to me before you didn’t matter. There were some good people and there were some really bad people. Your dad was a good man, but he had some demons that he couldn’t get rid of. I didn’t want you to have to deal with any of that, so I shielded you and tried to keep you safe. I knew you would want to know about it and maybe I should have shared it with you, but I did what I thought was right and kept it from you. I was wrong and I’m sorry. I have a safe deposit box at the bank. Now that you have access to my accounts, you can go to the bank and ask for it and they will give it to you. Inside is information if you would want to reach out to your dad. The choice is now yours. Until we meet again. Love, Mom.

Anna sat in shock. After all this time she was finally given the chance to meet her dad. Should she do it? She had so many questions for him. Would the answers bring her peace? Would any of it change her life or who she is? She had so much to think about and knew that she was definitely not going back to sleep now. She thought about texting Sam but didn’t want to wake her. Anna held the letter in her hand and rubbed her finger over the words that her mom had written. She thought about growing up and how her mom had always been there for her. Anna always felt happy. She never felt like she went without. She knew her mother loved her more than anything and that was always enough. She started to cry. When she opened her eyes, the sun was shining in the window on her face. It felt warm and comforting. She smiled and thought it felt a little like her mom was touching her face. She must have fallen asleep. She was still on the couch holding her mom’s letter in her hand. She sat there for a few minutes feeling the warmth of the sun and it occurred to her what she should do with this new found information. She was going to let the past be in the past. She was going to cherish the memories she had of the one person who had loved her and taken care of her. She was going to leave that safe deposit box right where it was and figure out what life looked like without her mom by her side. She was brave and strong, and she knew whatever the future held she was going to survive it without the help of a man who was just a ghost.