The Shopping List

Apples- I like to put them in the big blue almost periwinkle bowl Carl’s mother bought us in Tuscany. I buy the brightest, reddest apples. The contrast fulfills me. They go uneaten. I am allergic to apple skin and Carl has soft teeth, but they offset the kitchen table quite nicely. Apples possess a domestic quality I admire and try to emulate. Maybe they are a waste though. Maybe it is time for a change. Apples are a maybe.

Ground beef/Ground turkey- I prefer turkey, but Carl hates it. Of course, he didn’t recognize it last week when I used it in the chili. I added a dash of cinnamon, the sweetness disguised the meat. He didn’t eat much, but he didn’t complain.

Taco shells- Carl wants tacos this week, which will be harder to disguise the ground turkey, but not impossible. In the time before now, Carl would have been able to tell just by the smell. He would have laughed about it, how I’m trying to make him healthier. He would call it going vegan, as if consuming ground turkey meat is as drastic as cutting out meat and dairy. Now though, Carl does not notice much. If he does he does not say. He does not notice that I come home later and later every day from work.He does not notice that when we do sit down for dinner we don’t speak. He does not notice the sink full of dirty dishes. He does not notice that I wear perfume now.

Taco Seasoning

Shredded Montgomery Jack Cheese

Cinnamon Toast Crunch- Jackson’s favorite breakfast cereal. I still buy it every week even though like the apples it goes uneaten. The cupboard is almost full with them, and I know I should just stop, but I can’t help it. What if he returns home and wants Cinnamon Toast Crunch? I would allow him to eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the rest of his life. To think I used to try and buy him healthier cereal like Cheerios and try to convince him to eat that instead. Last week at the store I watched a mother fight with her son over the proper, healthy breakfast cereal. I reached over the little boy sitting in the shopping cart, pudgy fists in the air, tears streaming down his face. I smiled at the strained looking mother and gave her a shrug, trying to convey, I understand but at the end of the day, it is just cereal.

Tomatoes- Necessary for the perfect taco. I will dice them into cute, tiny cubes. The kind that you can only get at a Mexican chain restaurant. In the time before now I did not have the patience for perfection. I never held myself to high domestic standards. I used working full time and being a mother as an excuse. Now I’m down one. Carl probably won’t notice the extra effort, but then again maybe tonight he will.

Candy Corn- My weakness. I like the wide kind and none of the seasonal flavors. I prefer the classic yellow, orange, white. Whenever Jackson would ask for one I would tell him that it is a vegetable and he wouldn’t like it. In the time before now I treated myself only around Halloween. Now I go through a bag a week. I crave the sugared sweetness like I crave Jackson’s smell after a bath. I eat it in secret. Before work, during work, at home after work. I consume it in my closet like a teenager hiding their parents’ vodka. I find pieces of it everywhere, in my shoes, my jewelry drawer. I don’t even know how it gets there. I eat it anyway like a squirrel filling up on nuts before a harsh winter. I’d worry about gaining weight, but I’m healthy in other ways. I prefer ground turkey to ground beef so that’s something.

Onions- I will need them for the tacos. I wonder if Carl notices the increase in our onion consumption. I used to hate cutting onions. I swear they affect me worse than other people. In the time before now I would try all different ways to stave off tears. Chewing gum, running hot water. Nothing worked. Salty tears would pour down my face, my eyes stinging with a burning pain, as if I was Polyphemus blinded by Odysseus. Now I appreciate the release. As I peel, chop and dice the onions I relish in the physical pain. I use it as an excuse to wail and cry and scream. If Carl is home, it just goes onto the list of things he does not notice. Most of the time though he isn’t home and the only witness is my reflection in our stainless steel appliances.

Avocados and Asparagus- Ben’s request. We are going to eat them in the office after work. Ben read somewhere that they are aphrodisiacs, they stimulate you or something. I doubt it, but it doesn’t really matter. I don’t really need to be further stimulated by Ben, it’s being desired that is enough.

Olive Oil

Ketchup

Egg whites- I buy this even though Carl never makes me breakfast anymore. It’s the hope that on Sunday morning he will come into our bedroom with the breakfast tray we received with our other wedding gifts with an egg white omelet, toast and orange juice. In the time before now, Carl and Jackson would make it together. They thought they were being quiet, allowing me to sleep in, but I always heard them, clattering the utensils. I loved listening to Carl teaching Jackson how to make the omelet. One, two, three, press it down and flip it, I hear his once cheerful voice in my head now. Together they would bring it up to me and I would pretend to just awaken and be surprised. Now I’m the early riser and Carl sleeps in. Sometimes I go outside and walk to the park where it allegedly happened. The babysitter wasn’t paying close enough attention. No signs of a struggle, still no body, which I’m told is a good thing, but I’m not sure that it is. The only other witnesses were other children, and they aren’t particularly helpful or forthcoming. A man, that’s all we got. One child said he was purple. I sit on the park bench that I used to sit on when I had the chance to come to the park with Jackson. I go so early now to avoid the mothers who still have their children. I can’t speak to them, they can’t speak to me. I am a reminder of their worst nightmare come to life. Sometimes I bring my candy corn with me and I nurse the bag in the park, suckling down the sweetness, holding back tears that I release later at night when I chop the onions for dinner.

Edy’s Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream- The green kind. My concession to Carl, for serving him ground turkey meat. Maybe it will make him smile. When Carl smiles I see Jackson’s smile, which is why I will never leave him. Or at least why I can’t leave him now. Ben says he won’t wait around forever, but we have not been seeing each other for very long. Ben says he loves me and I brush him off because he does not really know me. I thought I knew Carl but he has never felt further away. On one of our first dates we went to an ice cream shop and I ordered mint chocolate chip ice cream and he told me he could only eat mint chip if it was green like the Edy’s flavor he grew up with. It became a joke between us. Whenever we went out for ice cream we would see if the shop had the green kind (they very rarely did). For whatever reason Edy’s has green mint chocolate chip and mom and pop shop ice cream places do not. I haven’t seen Carl smile in months. His expression is not even somber, it’s vacant. His once beautiful animated hazel eyes just seem empty. He is a robot, going through the motions of the day. I suppose I am too now.

Oranges- I haven’t had an orange since the time before now. I used to have to buy them in bulk once a month, when it was my turn to bring them in pieces for Jackson’s soccer team. I prefer them over apples, they don’t make my eyes itch. They don’t go bad as quickly. Orange can be a nice color in dosages. Maybe I will put these in the beautiful blue bowl from Tuscany instead.