Vibrations

Vibrations

“Hel-ow… I’ll be with…”

“Don’t helooo me.I’ve been on the phone for… must be an hour, maybe two. That music you been piping at me didn’t help my nerves any, if anything, it made things worse. I don’t know what kind of place you think you are running there, but I can guarantee you I’m on the verge of shutting the door on it and never looking back.

I know you are probably thinking, what is all this about?Well I wish I knew. One minute I’m as happy as a bee in clover and the next minute it’s raining. Do you know that there should be, if there isn’t already, a time limit on how long it should take, not does take, should take, to open the package the thing came in.I’m sure you’re wondering what kind of thing I’m talking about, well, you are the ones selling the stuff, you should know better than me, don’t you think, or don’t ya? We are good people, hardly complain unless there’s a reason.And I’m telling you I got plenty of reasons.

You ever get stuck in one of those traffic things on the highway, where you move about as fast as a worm on vacation? Well I have, and I learned a few things. First thing is, don’t leave too early, nothing open; no gas stations, quicky marts, nothing. Damn near starved to death and I was hardly out of town, good thing I keep a stash of licorice in the glove. You ever need air and there ain’t no place to get any. You can’t even buy air on a Sunday without an appointment at one of those tire places who ain’t open on Sundays. Second thing, don’t leave too late. Everybody leaves late thinking everyone else is leaving early, and you end up doing that worm thing I mentioned. Probably just best to stay home and watch the weather channels.

I stopped anyway, even though the sign said closed, cause the light on the dash said I had three tires at 34 pounds, and one at 18 pounds. I always knowed that the pound was roughly about the same as the dollar, but I want you to know, it wasn’t always like that. Our dollar used to be worth something, now it’s hardly worth more than a pound. I did some figuring in my head, and if that one tire, just the one was worth in pounds what a dollar is, even though it’s somewhat less, that tire can’t be worth no 18 dollars, I can tell you that. I did that test where you put the dime in the tread, some use a penny, but I use a dime, didn’t have a penny, and if you can see the whole face you got good tread. Nope, take that back… got confused with the exchange rate. If you see the whole face or the Congressional building you got poor tread. Now I bought that tire used when it had enough tread to make me feel safe, now that gadget on the dash says I ain’t safe, could be in an accident at any moment, and that would be that, except probably more permanent than that!

What I was getting at, was that If that tire is worth 18 dollars, little more given the pound is less, I got a deal. I only paid ten dollars for it in the first place, and drove it for the past year. The way I figures it, if you got three good tires and a bad one, it ain’t like a barrel of apples where one bad one ruins the whole mess, we are talking about tires here. They, last I looked, were made out of rubber and don’t rot, or there would be rotten tires all over the place. See what I’m getting at here?

Any way…now that I’m thinking about it, tires don’t come all wrapped in plastic that you need a degree and a special tool to get at. OK, I’ll give you that some come with that shrink wrap stuff on um, but that’s it.Two minutes the tire is free, no busted knuckles, cut fingers, missing eyes, any of that stuff you people put the rest of us law abiding consumers through. But that ain’t why I’m calling, sorry about that.

When you buy a product, let’s say your product, cause I’m talking to you. When you buy a product it should resemble I’m thinking what the picture says it is supposed to look like, right? I’ll give you an example so it sticks in your mind and I won’t be confusing you. You must have in your miserable life gone into a fast-food type place and ordered a hamburger or something. I know they is accused of being unhealthful and all that, but sometimes they is the only place open, should say places cause there must be a hundred of them types in every mall in America, probably other places to.

The stuff you order usually got pictures on them, some got numbers so you don’t even have to know the name, case you can’t pronounce it. You can just point to the picture, and they give you that…whatever the number is you said. Then you give them the money plus tax of course, and you are good to go. But when you get to the car and pull it from the bag, it don’t look nothing like the picture you pointed to. It’s about half as big, and all kind of damp like the humidity was way out of alignment. I’m usin the word alignment cause you are supposed to be in the car business and I figured you’d know what an alignment is supposed to look like.

Anyway, back to my example.I take the bag back in to the store, even wrapped it back in that funny paper it come in, but now it’s full of catsup, mustard, and something supposed to be like saltless mayonnaise. Of course the 10-year-old kid that waited on me is on break, out back no doubt getting high, so I get this 11-year-old girl hardly bigger than the water dispensing thing next to the cup thing you got to pay for in advance, and I start to explain it to her about the humidity and how what they give me looks nothing like the number I ordered. She asks me to “kindly wait, the manager will be back shortly.

Well, I assume he’s out splittin some funny weed with that kid who gave me the sweaty excuse for a burger.So I wait, and wait, and… “may I help you sir?” I turn around, and it’s my10-year-old from the first time. I told him right off I was waiting for the manager, and he says he is the manager. Can you believe that? I guess you don’t have to be fifteen to work anymore, and there’s talk of dropping the age to I think…it don’t really matter, I ain’t fifteen no more. I assume if you can walk, you can work there.

I show him the soggy mess I pull from the bag that is all stained now, some of the catsup must have leaked out, but anyway, I unwrap it slowly so as not to disturb the innards.He compliments me on my wrapping and the asks if I’d be interested in a job? “Part time to start and no benefits, but the experience he says is to die for.” Well I can’t imagine dying in one of those places after seeing how they make their burgers, so I ask for my money back. He tells me they don’t do that. So I asks if they have a refund policy, knowing they do, but just wanted to see what he’d come up with.

“You’ll have to take that up with corporate headquarters.They should be open Monday. Nope… wait, Monday is a holiday, not a holiday for everyone, just for us, Big Fish Day I think we are calling it. Call Tuesday and see what their policy says, and If you get your money back we’ll be happy to redeem your certificate; they don’t just send money back. More than likely get picked off at the Post Office anyway. Hear it’s a problem like porch pirating. So will there be anything else I won’t be able to help you with today?”

The arrogance of that little twirp was almost more than I’m used to. When you’ve been an Animal Control Specialist for almost two years, you think you’ve seen it all; well, you ain’t. But that ain’t why I’m calling. You people sent me a note on my phone, one I didn’t ask for. Not the phone, I asked for that, the note I didn’t ask for, and it said I had expired and if I didn’t call, I’d have to pay the extra to reprocess the transaction. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do, who or where I’m supposed to do it, or to who, and how much extra I might have to pay, if I don’t pay right now?

I am trying to remain calm about all this, but the credit outfit, you know, cards, that type stuff, called and asked if I’d made charges totaling $1200.00 dollars. Two computers and some Juju candy things, I think the recording said. See, I don’t answer the phone cause it’s always someone trying to sell me something I don’t want. I know that’s what advertising is supposed to do, but every ten minutes? Even on Sundays when I’m supposed to be in church?

Now, it was nice they told me about the fraudulent charges, but being that they were fraudulent, and thanks to my verifying they were, they stopped the card from working. So, I’m supposed to call this number and talk to someone about getting this straightened out, cause I need gas so I can get to the tire shop on…whenever they might be open, I’ll call ahead to make sure before I go all the way down there on empty and find out they ain’t open.You see, they said when I bought the tire I was buying, I was buying it, “as is.” They never tell you what as is, is supposed to mean. I don’t like being tricked like that, so I ain’t going to waste my time on them like I am with you. I’m going down there for a face to face, and they better not try and stick me with another 10-year-old!

My son, who I tried to tell about all my problems with you people and people like you, told me before he hung up, that I should be careful cause a lot of places got security guards now, because so many of the airline stewards and stewardesses got beat up, cause people were sick of being picked on by some virus they didn’t ask for, and it was making their lives like everyone else’s, pure horse pucky is what I’ve been hearing; course they ain’t using horse pucky, but then we do live in what is supposed to be a polite civilized kind of society, so you got to make substitutions sometimes.

Anyway I was hoping you could help me with this credit business cause I don’t have no cash. My tire, the one worth only 18 dollars more or less, you can see your face in and it’s only worth 18 pounds when the others are worth…let me look… well it used to be 34, now it says they is at 30, so you see I’m losing every minute I’m talking to you. So you going to be able to help me out here, or not?”...please hold for the next……….available………….operator………………If this is an emergency call 911……..

“Thank you for holding.This is Peter, how may I be of assistance?”

“Well Christ on a cracker!”

“Pardon me sir, would you repeat that please.”