Dissolution

Ok. It’s alright. You’re ok. Everything will be fine.

You’re safe.

What I did was right. It was right. Right? But was it? I feel guilt, clawing at the edges.

Breathe.

Muscles tense, fingers digging into palms. Let them relax; let the water cradle you. The warmth wraps around my skin. Embracing.

Jaw clenched. Relax. Release the tightness. Just float. Just be.

Slow down, heart—why is it racing? Breath catching. Panic is flooding. Chest tightening. Just breathe. I hope I’m not having a heart attack. Wouldn’t that be fitting?

Too dark in here. Is this what drowning feels like? Maybe I deserve it. No—breathe.

The water holds you tightly; it’s heavy, pressing, blurring the thoughts. Am I still here?

There’s nothing under the surface; it’s just nerves. Don’t think… her laugh…bright…mocking—no, not now. Stay here in the dark. Don’t remember the glass, don’t think about his eyes. Breathe in.

Exhale.

Inhale warmth, exhale fear—let it push out the chaos.

Nothing but you, the dark, and the heartbeat. The incessantly racing heartbeat. Why won’t it slow down?

It’s ok.

You’re secure here. This will pass.

Relax.

Just breathe. Let the darkness comfort you. Everything will be fine.

Warm feels good. It’ll drown out the thoughts. It’ll clear my mind. That’s how it’s supposed to work.

It’ll be ok. It’s got to be ok.

What you did was for the best. He was always cruel. You know he was. What you read was just a lie. It was. To cover up his icy heart. Just made-up words. That’s it. Nothing more.

Steady your breath. Find your rhythm. It’s ok.

Always cold. His eyes never meeting yours. ‘You could do better.’ Every report card, every soccer game. Never good enough. He drove her away. He must have.

His voice, always so sharp, cutting through the quiet dinners, echoing in that enormous room. Lonely. The smell of polished wood, his cologne, sharp, sterile—no warmth. Just emptiness. No arms around my shoulders. Just expectations. So many expectations.

I couldn’t fail. But I did. Didn’t I.

No. I did good. I was great. I am great. She said so.

She made me feel like a king. I was a king.

Always there, with her sharp smile and cool confidence. His right hand—no, his ear. Leaning over her desk…I just wanted to take her there.

The way she would look at me in the meetings, eyes burning through me, I couldn’t keep my hands still. I don’t know why she did that to me. I just wanted to impress her. Stupid whore. Rehearsing what I’d say in front of a mirror. What an idiot. Just to make her laugh.

What was wrong with me?

Her laugh though. I loved her laugh. The way she tilted her head back slightly so I could see the curve of her neck. Mmm. To bite it. To lick it. To lick her. I just wanted her. And now…

She said she liked my focus. My ambition. It was ambition that made me do it. Wasn’t it? Why didn’t she agree then?

Her hand grazed mine. That’s when it began, right? I should’ve stayed cold. Kept it inside.

The smell of her hair. Sweet. Intoxicating. I feel like I can smell it even in here.

It’s too quiet in here—too much space. I don’t like it. Is something underneath me? Water shifting. Am I sinking or floating? I can’t tell anymore.

Her face. That smile. Those lips. Her body.

The scent of her perfume hanging around in his office. I walk in-she’s there. Pretending not to notice me. All business. Just for him? For me? It didn’t have to be a secret. Why did she say so? But I liked it that way too.

Midnight calls, confessions, her nails on my skin after meetings.

The secretary, always so efficient, so perfect for him. But you were tangled in MY sheets, telling ME I was the one with real power.

She saw me, not like him. Was it the potential? Did she even see me at all?

She said she would stay with me. Why did she leave? I thought I was enough for her. Wasn’t I? Fuck her. Coward. Manipulative bitch. I would have married her though. She saw me for who I was meant to be, and then she abandoned me. What the fuck?

Silence. It’s too quiet in here. I don’t like it. Heart is racing again.

Did she ever really see me?

Her hand on my knee under the table, turning me on at the worst times. But I loved it. I couldn’t get enough. She made me want her. Was I just a pawn in her game?

I’ll blame it on her. It makes sense really. Why would someone just up and disappear if they weren’t guilty? You got it. That’s it.

Stomach churning. Guilt. Breathe it out; let it go. It’s just nerves.

It doesn’t matter anyway. They won’t know. No one will find out. But I should’ve used…ugh.

Wait…did I just hear something? What was that?

No—no. You locked the door, remember?

Did I?

Calm down. Breathe.

So what if she left? You have the company now. You are still the one who deserves it all.

But, God, the way she made me feel, no other woman could do those things to me. Alive. Awake. I wanted her to stay. Now I’m alone.

And I see his eyes. They won’t leave me. Staring at me as he drinks. Like he knew. No, don’t drink it…stop! Why did he drink it? Oh, no…I fucked up. I fucked up.

Someone will find out. It’s just a matter of time. Oh God, I did it all wrong, didn’t I? I’m such a screw-up.

Heart racing. Breath shallow and quick.

Focus. Board meeting tomorrow. Need to prepare. They expect confidence. I’ll be confident. I’m the heir of his legacy. New partners—what will they say…think…remain calm, collected. Will they see it? See it in my eyes?

What if they ask about him? Don’t think about the glass. Could he taste it? Was it bitter? Did he know…oh my God…he knew I was doing this to him…and he cared about me and he knew.

Need to speak with confidence. It’ll be ok. He hated my presentations. ‘Too soft. Too scattered.’ God, why did I do it? No—focus.

Agenda. Projections. Not the glass. Not his eyes. They’ll want to see my strength.

She saw my strength. She knew the deals. Said I would do it better. She made me feel good for once. Am I not good anymore? Was she right? Did I fail? Is that why…

All the gifts I bought her. I would’ve given her anything…I gave her everything. Where is she?

The night went well. I thought it did. She did agree. She did. I remember her saying it. ‘We’d be better off without him’ I was careful. My choice wasn’t. Maybe my choice wasn’t.

Maybe they are coming to get me. Is that why the detective called today? I should’ve answered. I didn’t want to answer. Sometimes it’s better…ignorance is bliss, right?

The dining room was so much bigger that night. Why do I remember it that way? Exposed. Cold. She was there, but no. Nobody talked much. No—we didn’t talk. We never talked much. She talked a lot. I liked that.

Light reflecting off silverware. The ancient chandelier. I used to want to climb that as a kid. Maybe it would fall on him. I thought that sometimes. Maybe Mom would come back if it did. His expectations were always so high. That’s why she left. I bet it was.

Why couldn’t he see what I could do? Why did he make me do this? I didn’t want to do this; you made me do this. You made me. Not her. You.

The wine—dark red—he wouldn’t notice. I didn’t tell her my plan. I wanted her to see how strong I was. I wanted her to be proud of me. Just a sip. A taste. That’s it. I didn’t think it would work. It worked. Why did it work?

He didn’t understand. She said he didn’t understand.

I watched him, watched his lips, his eyes. I laughed. To myself? Out loud? He looked straight at me. ‘Son…’

God, how can I forgive myself now? What have I done? The journal…the words…it was all wrong. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I need to get out of here.

No—just calm down. Stop thinking. You need to relax.

Let’s get it straight, ok? Let’s process it. Think…

It was right. It had to be done. She said so. He was not a good person. But his eyes…confused…full of fear. How can I forget that? What have I done?

What he wrote. Was it fake? Dedication? To me?

No—it can’t be right. She was right. Then why is she gone?

Maybe I can just stay in here forever. Maybe I’ll disappear into the water. I won’t have to think about this anymore.

I’m so screwed up now. Was it worth it? I have control now. Maybe it wasn’t even because of me. Maybe it was an actual heart attack. The medics seemed convinced. It wasn’t enough. I didn’t use that much. They won’t know. They won’t find out. It’s ok.

It was right. It was necessary.

I can’t breathe. Help! I can’t breathe! My arms feel heavy. Get me out of here!

I hear someone. Is someone out there?

“Help!”

Do they hear me? I hear someone. But who is it? Did she come back?

“Jessica! Help!”

She’s coming closer. She came back to me. I knew she wouldn’t leave me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Light. The light is so bright. I can’t see. Who is that?

“Jessica?” My hand in front of my eyes. It’s too bright.

Hands grabbing me. The weight is gone. Cold. So cold.

“Where is she?”