This isn't what I signed up for

CW: Domestic abuse.

Over twenty-one years I was in what should have been my best time of my life. I meet a nice man named Karl through a college buddy of mine. He was fresh out of the military and physically fit. I thought that he might be a good catch as I was kind of seeing someone through my work. The other guy, Paul was only interested in being just friends. But, I desired more than that. I wanted to experience motherhood. At that time, it wasn't possible with Paul as he couldn't have children. Now, Karl on-the-other-hand, seemed to be interested in whatever I wanted. He reminded me of my late father, Richard. I had always dreamed of having a "perfect" marriage and a "perfect" family just like my parents did. But I think back to that time and realize that perhaps "Cupid" shot the wrong arrow at the wrong man. We only dated for nine months. Every time he would call me, he kept on asking my ring size. I should have dated him longer as what happened next wasn't what I signed up for. Our wedding was to be a traditional wedding that I paid for. His family only provided a "cook out" for the rehearsal dinner. I thought that sounded a bit odd, but I was a fool in love and thought that he was the man of my dreams. I sure was wrong about him. After our marriage on the hot July day back in 1999, we had our honeymoon at an amusement park that I paid for. He didn't put one cent into our marriage and that should have been a wakeup call. Ring, ring... I didn't hear a thing. I was simply a foul in love or maybe I was stuck in a fantasy. Moving into an apartment together was a chore. I wasn't equipped to live by myself let alone to live with a man that I barely knew. It wasn't paradise, but I tried to take the time to know him. I wasn't the best at cooking that's for sure as I remember him yelling at me because his steak was burnt. He'd apologize and I'd shrug it off to us just learning to be a couple. But what I really wanted to do was to run away and I couldn't because I was pregnant with our first child, a son. I had to make things work as a couple and as a first time mom. Sure we didn't have a lot of money, but love was all that we needed or maybe I was wrong. After our son was born, I found out that I was pregnant again with his daughter. I should have left, but mentally I did. We would fight about money and he'd leave me alone, but I was never truly alone, I had kids to raise. Even though we were "technically" married, I saw myself as a single parent. When our daughter was born, he not only yelled at me but attempted to strangle me over some stupid manner. It scare me as it did during our honeymoon phrase and he did the same thing then, he apologized. I didn't have the strength to leave at that time point either. I was stuck in a loveless marriage with two young children to raise. I stayed with him because of marriage vows. I was almost gone. There's more to come, so hold on. In the year 2004, I gave him one more child, a daughter. She was born legally blind and he blamed me for having her. She was his mistake, but my strength that I needed. He had been abusing me so much, that I finally got the courage to leave. One day, when he was working, I called my family (he didn't allow me to associate with them in our early years before 2004) and they secretly set up plans with me to escape with my kids. I say "my kids" because he never really wanted to have children... he just wanted to make me happy and control me. Anyway, while he was away, I packed up our belongings and moved into my sister's house. It was such a relief as I never truly had peaceful and restful sleep. I was a mess. I was afraid during my marriage that my husband would act on his promise which was kill me if I left him. He would drill this in my head daily. This was his way of controlling me and now that I was finally away from him...I felt peace for the first time. I was no longer his doormat nor his slave. I was ME. He and his family didn't care about us, if they did, why didn't they take the time to find our whereabouts? We were gone for seven days. FREEDOM. I never signed up for this, but this was exactly what I needed. I didn't need to be abused or taken advantage of by my husband. I didn't need to be controlled or have a loaded gun pointed at our heads while he laughed. I...we...needed to be free. It was a life lesson that taught me to not allow another man into my life nor my children's lives. No man should ever do this to their woman. I should have put him in jail, but the "scared" me was afraid that he'd kill me one day. I could not let this ever happen. I didn't want my children to experience this nor did I want him to WIN. I did manage to get divorced from this "monster" (that's what I call him now) and I did receive therapy to help me understand that it wasn't my fault. My children had anger management classes that seemed to help them overcome what the monster did to me and them. Although, it took them many years of therapy to forgive me. Yes, they were mad at me for staying with him for so long...but what choice did I have? Not much. The outcome now is a brighter one. My once young children are independent adults that have disowned their abusive father. Their youth they spent sometime with him for visitation. But as I have learned that he wasn't equipped at parenthood, he would simply ignore them and leave them with his parents so that he could go on with his life. It's his loss, not mine. So, what is the moral of my story? I should not have married the first man that came along. But, if I hadn't...would I have had anything to say about it? No. But now I know I should not have signed up for this.