A walk with Christ

Nowadays my walk with Christ has slowed. My prayer life is dwindling, my love is damn near non-existent, I haven't opened my bible in days, and I have no curiosity or hope towards pursuing God. How did I get here? It could be a multiple of things. I could name them but i'd rather say this. With everything I could say dismissing God and everything I can't say backing Him and His word, I could argue hard down about the evil in this world. What i'm trying to say, no one ever says “evil doesn’t exist” , evil is a universal belief. We all believe in evil existence. There is a whole film genre dedicated to it. We are surrounded by evil acts, we never seem to be able to fully get away from it. Evil aka demons lingering/ searching for their next victim, their next act. When it comes to “good”.. I have to think a minute to think of something purely good. Not something good that occurred due to a bad situation Something - just- good. Something so good that weight out the bad. 

Im not trying to make an argument on if God exist. I believe God exist. Believing God exist is the basics, the stepping stones. I have the foundation but everytime im trying to build the house it keeps falling apart. “The House” as in the faith, the love, the hope and even the knowledge of who He is. Everytime i get an idea of who He is, its torn apart. Everytime i feel as if i have it figured out its crumbles. People close to me would say that is because I have a tendency to try to control things as if I can figure God out, who He is consistently with everyone, then somehow I will be able to control how He will show up for me. They might be on to something but i thing thats just a small fraction of my failure to build this house. Maybe i need to take a deeper look at my foundation. Maybe my foundation isnt strong enough to hold my house because no house of God can be built on the foundation that He just exist. 

Now to bring everything full circle. From what I have gathered by reading the Bible; God is patient, forgiving, accepting, and always working within our sin and our world. Those things I have been able to stand on and accept. From what people like David have said about God, i haven’t been able to accept. As in his steadfast love, God being caring, loving and will deliver me from my enemies. God might have done those things for David but that doesn’t mean He is those things for me or others. Inconsistency right there. How is God loving and caring but doesnt show up in that way for everybody. Can someone be something if they chose when and where they want to be that thing? For God is perfect, correct. For someone who is perfectly caring and loving wouldnt they be those things all of the time. So hear me out when God heals people of their affliction, why not heal everyone in the world at the same time who believes they can be healed. For it says faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains. People who believe all their lives never become healed of their physical afflictions. Why only heal certain people. The picking and choosing of miracles and who receives them throws me off everytime. I believe miracles happen due to God. The question i have here is His character. That we are misled that God will answer our prayers just because of our faith. When time and time again we are shown otherwise, that we are shown through people that it is not the truth. The reason why I also say this is because even though I'm privileged to eat three meals a day, roof over my head, loving family, it's not because my faith is stronger than others or I'm more obedient. If that was the case it would be a lie. So why do people who are better than me in every aspect suffer more than me. Why am i more blessed than them? That is my whole point of my standstill in my walk with Christ. Is evil just the non existance of good things like mercy, grace and care? Is God good because he shows attributes of mercy, grace and care. I don’t want to believe something that is not true, i dont want to believe God will give me or deliver me if He isnt because im not David so why do i have to believe he is those things if i will never receive those things in this life and neither will alot of other people as well. Solomon asked for Wisdom and God gave him that and much more. I ask for a House and God points towards the forest.I am okay with being led to the forest but not the idea of God giving me what I ask for on a silver platter just because I asked. I don't believe that to be true and until that changes I will constantly wrestle with every bit of knowledge I will learn from reading the Bible. 

I struggle with the way the world has taught me to interpret the Bible. I struggle also due to the way a privileged life has twisted my view of God and myself. That somehow I'm deserving of having all my requests meant, that I shouldn’t love someone (in this case God) who doesn’t love me the way I love myself. That if someone allows hurt to come upon me its because they do not love me. 

Its funny that i try to compare human love, self love, to the love God gives us because it doesn’t fit into my definition of love. 

As i continue to write i am now writing a year later from when i started this and i dont want to delete a thing because it showed my humaness. How we as humans hold ourselves back from following christ because our inability to get over our own idolization in ourselves. My walk with Christ has been a bumpy road. I am a person who has to think through everything before i make a choice. That i can somehow think my way through a situation. 

God is the creator of heaven and earth. He created all living things. He created you. That means he has given us a mind to think for our own. We were created in his image. Suffering isn’t far from God or His knowledge but the exact opposite, he grieves over us. To see his own creation be tainted by sin and how we have come so far from how he intended for us to live.