The sound of the storm

Dear Journal, November 5th,

The roaring rainstorm outside is keeping me awake. It’s loud thunders and raindrops hit my window as I laid on my back listening, wondering why I had a feeling of nostalgia. I tried thinking to myself what it could be, but since that was a bust I starting writing in you. And as I write now I am starting to remember.

It was ten years ago. I was eight years old and it was a rainy day, not storming like right now but I still am reminded of this. Mom was playing the piano and I was sitting on her lap. I was amazed by her beautiful playing and her finger technique while playing. I remember the song she was playing, it was called  ‘The Sound of Rain’. While she played I Sat in awe of how beautiful music could be. I stared intensely at the keys as I started to shed tears. My Mom took notice and stopped to ask me ‘Why was I crying’? I looked up at her staring with the same teary eyes I watched her play with and I loudly told her “I want to learn the piano!”

She smiled down at me and gave me a hug then gently said with her soft voice, “Of course. I will teach you everything you need to know.” Although it was raining outside in the middle of winter, I’ve never felt warmer than at that moment in my life. 

It feels like that just happened not too long ago, learning the piano, spending time with mom … being happy. It really feels like that moment happened only a few months ago, but it’s been ten years. During that time I’ve made friends, lost friends (mostly), have had good memories, bad memories, and stopped playing the piano. It’s not like I got bored of it, as time went on I slowly asked mom for lessons less and less. By the time I was fourteen, I stopped playing the Piano entirely and instead was hanging out with friends from my past.

I was such a dumb kid back in eighth grade. That was the time I decided I just needed good grades and I could get a good job and get through life like that. I carried that mindset all the way to senior year, keeping my friends at minimum because I thought they would be distractions. I hate how I realize that mindset was wrong in my final year of high school (how dumb am I). I could’ve had so many good memories if it wasn’t for my naivetey (or however you spell that word). I have no one to blame, but myself. 

I hate this. 

I hate how I can’t sleep. 

I hate this storm.

  That’s right. The storm. It’s the storm that is reminding me of this, all of my life’s biggest regrets. The same storm that keeps me from sleeping, is making me reflect on all of my poor decisions … probably. I don’t know anymore. I don’t usually nor am I the type of person to harp over the past, I really am just venting. I just wanted to blame something for making me have these bad thoughts. The regret of dropping the piano. The regret of not enjoying my high school years. Time I will never get back. 

I know I shouldn’t be moping around and I should actually try to progress, but it’s hard. It’s hard because the thought of if I had tried then, I wouldn’t be in this mental torture. The storm feels like it’s getting louder. The raindrops drop harder and the thunder strikes harder. I know it isn’t actually getting louder, but my head is kind of spinning now. 

I just looked outside. The storm finished and I’ve just been staring out the window for five minutes to take a breather. In those minutes, I reflected on why I regretted these feelings so much. I see now that I regret them because if I hadn’t made those decisions, I would have an actual passion in life. Something to look forward to when I wake up instead of the regular day to day dread. Maybe Piano would be my passion now in replace of nothing at all. I have gotten a little emotional. The storm is no more, but my regrets still linger. I’m still not happy about them, but I have been awake long enough to get used to it and have accepted them. I guess this is my eureka moment. I feel like I have written a lot, plus since the storm has stopped I think I can get some sleep. I think I will play some piano when I wake up. See yah. 

Dear Journal, November 12th,

It’s been a week since I last wrote in here, but a lot had happened. At school, I started to get more active in my classes - raising my hand and all that junk. I answered any question that I knew the answer to (which was basically every question basically). I’m starting to think the people in my math class think I am a smart ass now, not the best way to make new friends but I can’t help it. 

I’ve also been talking to my friend Ana a lot more (she’s really my only true friend). I use to really only talk with her in math and economics, but now we talk all the time now. She even told me that I have changed and that I use to be more reserved with my free time. I told her about my eureka moment the other night and she laughed, not to make fun of me, but it’s like she waited for me to say that for a while. She really is a great person.

Oh yeah, I’ve also started playing the piano again. I have been practicing every day for at least an hour. I remember a lot more of it than I thought. I remember all the keynotes and stuff like that, but I am much slower when I play than I was back then. I’m not getting lessons from my mom, I’m learning through videos since it’s much faster. But were learning a duet together and it’s extremely fun. Seeing her smile playing the piano with me once again was enough for me to smile as well.

Oh, I should write about what happened after I woke up last week. I woke up feeling a little cranky since I didn’t get that much sleep because of that storm. I got up out of bed and headed straight towards the piano. Before sitting and playing it, I stood in front of it for a long second. This would be the first time I play piano in four years, and I return to it in my pajamas and bed head (not the greatest sight to behold). I finally sat down, still staring at the keys, not sure what to start with. I finally placed my hands on the keys and started to play the C major scale. Slowly I played, playing it in one octave, going up a half step each time I restarted. I was playing slowly making small mistakes here and there for ten minutes until I heard sniffing from behind me. I looked behind me and it’s Mom looking at me crying. She was listening to me play for I don’t know how long. Her face showed a little smile as she was still teary-eyed, and I just stared like a creep. It probably didn’t show, but if I were to look at her for one minute, I would’ve definitely started to shed some tears too. She got herself composed and smiled and said with her gentle voice, “I’m so proud of you.”

I smiled at her and turned to continue my practicing immediately because I didn’t want her to see me about to cry. I was so happy. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. To have my mother see me practicing the piano again probably filled her heart with complete joy. 

To think this all started because of the storm that had happened last week. I know it’s not only the storm, I like to think I by myself would’ve gotten this epiphany later, but thought me realizing when it’s already far too late is soul-crushing. So I like to thank the storm keeping me up to make me face my regrets. I think I will check out for this entry today since my mom and I need to practice our duet some more. Good luck to me. See yah!