Retribution

My biggest fear was never failing, or not meaning anything, but just simply, death. The unknown, the emptiness, and most of all the finality. As I learned, I was wrong. So wrong.

  There’s a ringing in my ears as the doctor's solemn face is the only thing in focus. He is staring at the clipboard in front of him and reading what’s printed there. I see his mouth moving and all I hear is my own heartbeat. The same heartbeat that, as of 2 minutes ago, now has an expiration date. 

When the doctor called this morning, I didn’t think the news would be positive but I never expected the words he said. Cancer. Pancreatic cancer. Terminal. There is nothing we can do. Chemo won’t do anything but lower my quality of life for what I have left. The pitiful look in my doctors eyes tells me everything he doesn’t want to say. I am royally fucked.

The drive home, I felt like a ghost. I don’t remember any part of it, how I got home safe at all, is beyond me. Coming home to an empty, cold house wasn’t exactly the greeting that was needed. Turning on the lights in my living room, a note on the coffee table draws my attention.

Running an errand, be home soon Dad! My daughter is all I have left. My wife left me a couple years ago, and she had gotten into a bad car accident a few months later, and she has been in a coma since then. I am guessing that’s where my daughter is going. 

Collapsing into the couch, my head falls into my hands and I can’t hold back the flood. Tears flow freely, my body feels so heavy. Anger takes over my body, I throw the lamp next to me and the only sound I can hear is the scream ripping through my throat. The crashing sound of the porcelain was completely drowned out. I feel like my body is failing me. I feel like I failed me. I have been sick for so long, I never got it checked and I should have. Pulling out my phone, I read the notes from my appointment. 

Terminal, life expectancy less than 3 months. The words feel like they are cutting through me. Screaming through my head over, over, and over again 

My daughter came home, saw the broken lamp, and the worry that flooded her eyes, I will never forgive myself for causing. This was not how I wanted to tell her. I hadn’t left the chair, my hands had run through what’s left of my hair making me look disheveled. The red eyes from crying didn’t help. She knelt down in front of me and grabbed my hands. Her thumb rubbing the back of them. 

“Dad? What happened? Are you okay?” Her voice was fighting to keep calm. My heart shatters.

“No honey, I am not. I got some real bad news today.” I can’t bring myself to look at her.

“ Whatever it is, we can get through it.” Her voice is shaking.

“ Not this time.” I finally look at her. My right hand comes to cup her cheek. “I am dying.”

Her breathing hitched, eyes went wide and her bottom lips started to quiver. 

“W-what?!” 

“I went to the doctor today, he told me I have terminal cancer. He gave me 3 months at most. I am so, so, so, sorry honey” A lone tear trails down her cheek and I wipe it with my thumb. 

“No, that’s not possible. You’re only 40. You’re not old” Tears are flowing freely now and she closes her eyes trying to stop.

What followed was the hardest night of my life. My 18 year old daughter was never supposed to be hurt like this. Watching me erode in front of her for these next 3 months, I can’t do that to her. That night at dinner we barely talked. She was fighting tears and I was swamped by guilt. Was this my punishment for what I have done in my life? For protecting my daughter? 

I laid in bed that night making a plan. My daughter was not going to suffer because of whatever punishment I am being dealt right now. 

The next morning I met with my lawyer. Over the years, I accumulated enough money that my daughter will never have to worry about losing the house, or not being able to pay for her car once I am gone. 3 months is not enough time to get everything sorted out. The house will be paid off at the time of my death, the rest will go into an account for her. After the lawyer I went to the store to replace the lamp I shattered. 

After completing a few extra errands, it was time to go home and take care of the most important one. Sinking into the kitchen chair, I begin to write. Pouring out my heart to my daughter, telling her how I feel, apologizing for the moments I failed her, but mostly telling her how proud I am of her. Through tear-filled eyes, I sign I love you always and forever, Dad. Releasing a shaky breath, I leave the note there on the table with the card to my lawyer beside it. 

I walk out my front door for the last time, get in my car and drive about an hour away. There is a place I know that is quiet and isolated. My lawyer knows to call the police tomorrow morning, they will find me, not my daughter. Pulling in, turning my engine off I leave my cab light on. I open my glove box and pull out my trusty old faithful, Smith and Wesson 357 revolver. Beneath it, a picture of my daughter smiles up at me. The cold metal between my lips is the only thing I can feel. I hold the picture up so hers is the last face that I see. As a final tear falls to my cheek, I squeeze the trigger. 

With a gasp my eyes flash open. My eyes are hazy as I try to gather what’s around me. After what feels like 10 minutes of just blinking my vision clears. It is warm and damp, like I just woke up in a sauna that is set up higher than safe. Big, rough hands grab my upper arms and haul me onto my feet. Looking to my left there is a massive dark male with piercing yellow eyes, and sharp teeth glaring at me. A glance to my right, a matching man meets my gaze. Rumbling draws my attention away from the hands holding onto me. 

“Well, well.” a deep voice chuckles, “Look what cerberus dragged in.” Lucifer steps into my view. He isn’t the red monster we always think about. His dark hair and yellow eyes make him look just slightly less than a normal human. 

“Welcome to your own personal hell.” He locks eyes with me.

“Not possible, I am dead. There shouldn’t be anything here!” I scream.

“What?! Never heard of Heaven and Hell?” He mocks me.

“It’s not real. None of this is real!” I am panicking. Death was supposed to be empty! Nothingness! This isn’t real!

“You’re actually delusional! You think that after everything you have done, you would actually be left alone?” The smile drops from his face. “ You destroyed lives, killed innocence! You never faced justice up there, but you’re going to be facing it here!”

The beads of sweat are running down my spine. I swallow hard. How did he know?!

“I know you’re the one who killed all those people, and I know you’re the reason your ex-wife is in a coma right now. You think you were protecting your daughter? Or was it just your sick idea of an excuse to act like a monster?!” He walked closer and seemed like he was growling at me. 

“Well, today is the day for all those people to get the healing they need to be able to move on. You do not deserve peace, but your victims do!” 

The hands holding me lift me off the ground and put me in an old wooden arm chair. As soon as my back hits the back of the chair, razor fencing gets wrapped around my wrists, legs and chest. I am pinned, and every move I make slices further and further into my skin. The warm blood feels cool as it is soaking into my clothes. Lucifer steps back in my view. 

“Each and every victim of yours will parade in front of you, and you will get to witness the destruction you caused.” A mischievous grin spreads across his face. As he steps to the side a line of people are standing there. Every face I recognize. I am the reason they are here. For years, every person who has threatened, hurt or tried to take my daughter from me, I have hunted down and killed. I was protecting her! She is my everything and she doesn’t deserve the negatives of this world! 

“You would have done the same if you were a parent!” I scream. 

“You forget, I am a parent and every child needs to experience pain and heartbreak! Protecting them from that, like you claim, is only setting her up to fail in life! You FAILED her!” His eyes grow red with fire!

As he steps behind me, the first victim comes closer to me. The young boy who spat bubble gum into my daughters hair at 9 years old. She was so devastated that we had to cut it. I had killed him with the same scissors that I had used to cut her hair. He leans over so his eyes are all I can see. My body floods with excruciating pain, making me strain against the razor wire. More blood pools out, and I scream. I see a scene play out of a distraught mother on her knees screaming and crying. Calling his name. Then it flashes to the place where I had just killed myself, but this time the body they find is his and not mine. I am crying, bleeding and the pain will not stop. I feel like I am being eviscerated. Suddenly he stands up straight and in a ball of glorious white light, I think I am finally dying. Opening my eyes, sheer panic is flooding as the next person, this time a young woman, walks up towards me. 

“Forgot to tell you the added bonus. Every ounce of pain you inflicted to your victims you will get to feel. You will never get the precious relief of death.” Lucifer’s voice is right next to my ear.

“Then what’s the white light?! If I don’t get to die is the white light a tease?!” through gritted teeth, I growl at him.

“That is not for you. Everyone of your victims will get their peace. They all just wanted you to experience what they did at your hands. What grief you caused the families and once they have done that, the light you see is THEIR relief.” He laughs.

That was the moment I learned that my fear of being alone in death was a dream compared to this. There are worse things than being cast into vastness.

~ The next day ~

I woke up to an eerily quiet house. My dad was usually awake by now making breakfast. As I remember that my dad is sick, I fly out of bed and burst into his room. Nothing. The bed is made and it doesn’t look like he has been here all night. Walking down the hall, calling for my dad, nothing comes back. I get into the living room and the lamp he had broken the other day, is now replaced with a brand new one. Spinning towards the kitchen, something on the table catches my eye. A letter, with a business card next to it. 

I am sobbing as I read that my dad, my protector, my savior, my go-to, is the reason that my mom is now laying in a coma. She was going to move and I was going to go with her. I hadn’t told dad yet. He had found out when he came to grab me from mom’s. Dad had come in and we didn’t hear him, he overheard us talking about it. He explained that once he heard it, he went back outside and disconnected the break lines. Mom had gotten into the car the day after and she blew through the stop sign and drove her car into the woods at the bottom of her road. Now mom’s laying in a coma and I am all alone. 

Knocking thunders through the house. I open the door to 2 police officers. 

“Miss, are you the daughter of Mr. Simmons?” The first officer asked. 

“I am” I say hesitantly. 

“We are so sorry to inform you that we found your father deceased this morning.” The second one says.

“What?!” I scream “How?! Is it actually him?!” I fall to my knees.

The first officer hands me a picture of me. “We found this and your fathers license. We believe it was suicide. We are so sorry miss. We need you to come down to the station later today please.”

I just nod my head. Getting off the ground and closing the door. I grab the letter and finish reading it. From that letter, I learned how the world is about to see my dad. He tried to protect me for all these years and yet, he failed to protect me from the families of everyone he took from this world. Including my own mom. My life as I knew it will never be the same.