Creamy mac and cheese

He woke up and looked into the cracked mirror.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, show me the baddies so I can call."

The mirror showed him a picture of his sister. He wrinkled his nose in disappointment.

"Mirror, you're such a troll. Show me some hot beef on a roll."

The mirror showed him a picture of a grandma wearing a "Where's the Beef?" shirt while baking bread.

"I hope she likes abs 'cause I'm calling a cab. Give me her address."

"No. Your father said no more cougars."

"But I'm a hunter, and I like the safari! Show me a cheese plate with a slice of havarti."

"Cougars are found in North America, you dipshit. And you're lactose intolerant."

"Alright, alright. Before I leave, I need to practice my writing."

"Oh god, no. Please, put down the pen."

"Her face is like a snowman, it melts in the heat / Put her on a song 'cause I'm obsessed with feet / Now we at the hoops, so who's hungry 'cause we Duncan? / She got a toothy face like a carved-out pumpkin."

"You sound just like Lil Wayne, sir."

"Thank you. I just let it all work out, I guess."

He put on his Sabrina Carpenter undies, Sabrina Carpenter sweatpants, and Sabrina Carpenter hoodie. It covered his 12-pack abs and gallon-sized thighs perfectly. Suddenly, his little brother walked in.

"Hey big bro, I want to tag along with your crew today. I want to go 'scavenging for lonely women' with you."

"They aren't lonely! Just because they're reading fanfiction and drinking matcha... it means nothing. Jenna made my abs soften; it didn't matter that she would read manga."

"Man, get over Jenna. She was weird and smelled like B.O. Think about how we can use my skinny charm to pull women."

Big Bro looked at his fellow cub.

"You're too young for my lifestyle, and she didn't smell bad—she smelled natural. Just for insulting my confused queen, I'm gonna wedgie you when I get back."

After his kerfuffle with his idiot twink brother William, he began to pump it. He pumped the jam. He pumped the iron. Finally, he pumped his fist to the choir. He finished his exercise of 1,000 squats and pull-ups with a glass of warm milk. It warmed his abs, just like Jenna would do. He remembered her climbing his back like a spider monkey. They would watch anime in secret, mostly at 1:00 in the morning when his bros were gone. She would always cry into his right arm whenever someone died; the tears seemed to make his biceps bigger. Sometimes, he would cry into her shoulder for hours.

He gripped the milk glass and threw it at his 300-inch plasma TV.

"FATHER! I HATE YOU!!!!"

"I'm sorry, plasma TV. You know how I get."

He grabbed one of twenty-five TV towels and wiped it down.

"Hey, big cub. Do you wanna espresso?"

His other twink brother Jonny was back. He wore an oversized white shirt and shorts that barely reached two inches down his thighs.

"You know I hate Espresso, it's her worst song," he sneered. "I like the niche Sabrina."

"Alright man, guess I'll have to give it to my girlfriend Jenna when we watch the new episode of I Got Reincarnated as a Theme Park Mascot Who Seduces Otak—"

He turned his neck in a millisecond and glared at him with orbs of death. He moved at Mach 30; his hands were wrapped around the scrawny neck in the pace of a single breath.

"Th-this is why sh-she chose me."

A single tear descended down his face. It contained enough salt to dehydrate the entire world.

"I hate you as much as I hate Father."

He jumped out the window and did a triple backflip onto the street. His group was parked in a double-decker Ferrari. There were Brick, Dick, Slick, Rick, and Slick Rick.

"Yo Nick, get in here! It's freestyle time."

They played a sick beat that sampled them wrestling in oil. Brick went first.

"Uh... yeah—uh—yeah... my name is Brick, girl lay it on thick / Call me a magician 'cause I like doing tricks."

"OHHHHHH!!!!"

"And Brick is nothing without glue / Enemy of rubber so I hit it raw, Dick, I pass the mic to you."

"My name is D-Dick, you should focus on the D / Enemy of the state, 'cause I come before the E."

"OHHHHH!!!"

Slick picked up the mic.

"First name Slick, last name Talker / Running for mayor, nah, you a walker / You don't even have enough paper for a locker / Now I'm swimming in cheese, with my homies, bitch please."

"OHHHH!!!"

Rick went next.

"Yeah... um, I'm Rick, now you know / Don't look up but there's a mistletoe / She like farming my expenses, diamond hoe / Now we trading hits, we going blow for blow. Time for Slick Rick..."

Slick Rick spit a verse so fire and transcendent that he bought all of them another year alive. They would now live to 31.

"WOAH!!!!"

It was now Nick's turn. He trembled like a wounded lion.

"Fire, I aspire to be Ash, Ketchum in their tracks and then beat their ass / Like tax, you so fuggin' tacky / 30 percent of my cash and you just still a lackey / Wanna join us, boy you better bring feet / Or you gonna slip on the sweat from your heat / Tryna stand with us, you don't know we like it rough / Grapple with the weight of the world, think you can hold it up?"

"WOAHHHH!!!."

The beat ended with the sound of wet slapping. They were left breathless and moist. All the verses were so good that they decided on a tie. Brick began buzzing his hair, and Dick climbed to the second deck of the Ferrari.

“Hello world, it is I, Dick the bastard of Shakespeare. I have a dilemma. Lady Death! Mother Nature! Who shall sire my child?” he said. The hot air of Los Carlos beat down on his neck. Slick, Rick, and Slick Rick poked their chin out the windows and cooed at the los baddies.

“I love Los Baddies,” Slick said.

Brick was eager to respond.

“Who is lost? We need to help them!”

“No Brick, I said LOS baddies.”

“I know! Like the show LOST, why are the baddies LOST SLICK??”

“Nevermind…”

Brick looked down at his lap; his face was morose.

“So boys, wanna hit the library, the mall, or maybe…hehehe, the Cluuuub..” Rick said.

Dick came back down, and everyone went silent.

“D-did you just say the Cluuub?” Nick trembled.

“Yes, I did perhaps say the Cluuuub.”

Slick looked terrified.

“But, what about…Gold Diggers,” he whispered.

The Ferrari slammed the brakes.

“Do not use the G.D slur in this car.”

“Sorry Ferrari," they all said.

“Now now boys, isn’t it a bit early for the club anyway? Perhaps we can hit up the mall for lunch,” Ferrari said.

Brick’s face lit up. Dick widened his eyes. Slick and Rick began to stare at each other. Nick cracked a smile. Slick Rick reached a state of inner peace. They all were imagining the same thing. It had a savory sharp flavor with a gooey texture. A delicacy that ended empires and relationships across the entire timeline.

It was legendary, it was gourmet, it was Aunt Stephs-

“Creeeaaaamy MAC N CHEESE!!!!” they all shouted.

The Ferrari began playing a symphony of trumpets. Dick reached into his pockets and pulled out a bib for each one. It had an obese cartoon macaroni noodle and the words “Mac’n me crazy” drawn on it.

On the way to the mall the group listened to Dick.

“Ohhhh! Ohhhhhhh…Woe is me, for I am afraid I have wooed the attraction of a Lady and a Mother. They are two foils, one creates, the other reaps. I’m afraid I can’t decide which one to reciprocate affection with. One is full of life and flowers. Aggressive and controlling, yet her aggression isn’t a flaw, it’s a challenge, a test to see if you can rise to her level and match it. The other is calm and quiet. A void that I can hop into now and feel protected. A constant who doesn’t ask me to change as long as I don’t ask her. Uhhhhhh! I can’t pick…”

“Well perhaps some Mac N Cheese will help.” Ferrari said.

They pulled into the parking lot of the Los Carlos Mall. It was the most glorious piece of architecture since the Roman Colosseum. It was a giant rectangle that stood six stories. The exterior was painted gold, but the real gold was the mac n cheese inside.

They strolled in the consumer jungle like the lions they were, heading towards Aunt Stephanie's restaurant.

“Alright guys, get your catchphrases ready for Aunt Steph,” Nick said.

They entered and were greeted by a graceful old lady wearing a yellow apron. She barely reached their waist, except for Rick who shared her height.

“Making that cheddar?” Nick said.

“Don’t swisstch the mac n cheese recipe,” Slick said.

“Keep cutting the cheese,” Rick said.

“I hope you feel gouda,” Brick said.

“Thou cheese makes me smile, like a photographer.”

Slick Rick delivered a clever line about cheese that made Aunt Stephanie so happy that she gained another year to her life. She would now live to 102.

“Why, aren’t you boys charming as always, sit down and i’ll bring you some Mac n Cheese.”

They sat down in a booth, since it was Aunt Steph’s it was basically a throne. Nick was a king, but the queen's throne was empty. His eyes got red thinking about Jonny and Jenna together. They probably played strip pokemon; that used to be her and his game. It was Jennick, not Jennony.

“Alright guy, boy, no one wants a short king anymore,” Rick said.

Slick looked at him and chuckled.

“Call me a cigar, cause I'm about to be lit! Lit I say. Rick, let me tell you a few things, women, it’s not about being chosen, they want agency. You gotta-you gotta go up and give them that…that special treatment. You gotta make them feel normal, like they’re the only person in the world. Cornering them helps, they like a man who fights for his prey. That’s why being subtle helps; the most dangerous predators are the silent ones. So always communicate. Tell them what you wanna say if you were trying to scare them away. Do you dig what I'm saying?”

“You are the smartest person I have ever met,” Rick said.

Everyone else agreed.

“Yeah, women just want to be talked to,” Brick said.

The table got silent.

“Leave the advice to Slick Brick,” the table said.

Brick looked down with melancholy.

“Alright, boys, enjoy your feast.”

The table was filled with an aroma that Nick recognized very well. It was sharp, like cheddar, and creamy like mozzarella. The table felt like a massage on their fingertips. During every bite he could hear an angel rapping in his ear with the tone of a whisper. His tongue felt gold bars seasoned with clouds from heaven. It dissolved in his mouth, making him take bite after bite to feel it. For a second, all he saw was the cheese. All he felt was the cheese. It was like how Dick had put it, a god was yelling “CHEESE!” while pointing a three-hundred-thousand-dollar camera at him. When the photoshoot was over, the bowl was empty.

“So CREAMY!” he yelled.

His friends were still eating.