Perspectives of Heartbreak

June 5th 6:44pm

"Oh, yea... Goodbye."

And that's how it ended. I was frozen as he turned and walked away. My heart shattered to the point that I was surprised it could still beat. I wasn't sure that I wanted it to. I walked into the terminal. It's crowdedness amplified my lonliness. After ticketing and security I slipped into a restroom. The tears overflowed. I was unprepared to take this journey alone. Empty and broken, I made my way to the gate, boarded the plane and left my heart behind.

I should have expected it but you can never anticipate this kind of thing. They say hindsight is 20/20 and, clearly, I need glasses. I should have known something was wrong when he was late for lunch. Nick was always in time.

June 5th 12:27pm:

"I'm so sorry Syd."

"It's ok. Sit. Breathe."

"Thanks. There's just so much to do. Are you nervous?"

"Of course not! I've been waiting for this day my whole life"

"Yea... Yea... Me too."

"It's kind of like a fairy tale. Moving to Spain with the love of my life. We're so lucky Nick."

"No. I'm lucky. You deserve it. "

Nick gently reached across the table and took my hands into his. I loved the way my ring sparkled in natural sunlight.

"Our last lunch in New York huh?"

"Last one"

His eyes swallowed my gaze. He smiled warmly and my heart melted in turn.

That morning the sun rose before I ever went to sleep. I couldn't believe the day has finally come . I didn't know it'd be the worst day of my life.

June 5th 8:10am:

"Hello?"

"Good morning."

"I'm so excited! I didn't sleep at all."

"Me either. How about one last lunch in the park? 12ish"

"Of course. I talked to the seamstress by the way. My dress will be ready for fitting as soon as we get there!"

"Awesome."

"I cant wait to be Mrs. Neil. I love you."

"And I love you. See you at noon"

The decision to make this move was sudden. I'd been offered a job as Editorial Photographer for Estilo de Vida, one of Spain's most popular magazines. Of course Nick was supportive. My dad, however, wasnt happy at all.

June 1st 5:16pm

"So you're really doing this, huh, Syd"

"Yes Dad, and I'd really like your support"

"My 20 year old daughter running off to another country with someone she isn't even married to isn't exactly something I can get behind."

"We're engaged Dad."

"Exactly, not married."

"Whatever, at least think about flying in for the wedding?"

"I think it's best that I'm not there."

Without my dad's blessing, I was so grateful for Nick's mom's support. She had become the mother I no longer had. From the day we met she was sweet and welcoming. It took a while for me to call her mom, but somehow it just felt right. Losing my mom at 8 years old ledt a gaping hole that could never be filled, but I'm so blessed that God sent me Nick and Mrs. Neil.

April 15th 6am

"Mom, we have something to tell you."

Nick and I shared an anxious glance.

"We're moving to Spain."

I wasn't sure what to expect but I should have known.

"Oh Nicky, Sydney, I'm so happy for you! Just make sure you have an extra bedroom for my visits."

"Of course mom."

I got the call a few weeks after our engagement. We hadn't really started wedding planning yet but we knew we didn't want too wait long. Nick was everything I'd ever dreamed of. He was smart, funny and gorgeous! Most of all he cared for me in a way that I had never experienced before.

April 1st 9:49pm

"Hey, Nick. Can I talk to you about something"

"Of course." He repositioned himself on the couch so his body faced mine.

"Um... When I went to Spain, I kind of interviewed for a job. I mean, it wasn't really and interview, like I didnt plan it and I didn't tell you because..."

"Syd. Slow down. It's ok." He gently tucked a stray hair behind my ear. His touch calmed me and I took a deep breath.

"Ok, well, I got the job. And I know..."

"Ok"

"Ok what?"

"Ok, we're moving to Spain"

" But what about your job and..."

"Syd. I love you and I would do anything for you. Besides, I work in IT. I can get a job anywhere."

I put my hands on his cheeks and brought his face to mine. As our lips met I had no doubt that this was meant to be.

March 6th 8:19 pm

" Okay. Open your eyes" Nick loosened the knot on my blindfold.

"Wow. Its beautiful."

"My mom brought me here often. She said it was important to escape lights of the city and enjoy the beauty of the sky."

"I agree. This is a perfect sunset."

"It is. Here, sit with me."

We sat and cuddled in silence. The beauty of nature did all the talking. As soon as the sun dipped past the horizon, leaving a masterpiece of orange and pink in the sky, Nicky rose to one knee and turned toward me. He reached in his pocket.

"Sydney Rice. You are my world. I am a better man just because I know you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to stay by your side and never leave. Will you marry me?

"Yes....yes!"

Nick kissed my tear drenched face and slid the ring on my finger. The promise of forever! That's how it started.

________________________________________________________________

March 6th 9:08pm

"It's getting cold. Heres my jacket."

"Thank you"

"Are you hungry?

"Not really. What do you even eat right after you get engaged?" We laughed.

"Ok. " I caught a glimpse of the moonlight reflecting from her ring. I had never been more proud. "Let's get inside"

From the moment I met her, I knew Syd was the one. Her warmth reached my soul before we even touched. Her intelligence, her beauty and her kindness were treasures I knew I needed for the rest of my life. My mom liked her, so that was a plus. Syd lost her mom when she was 8. My mom quickly became a mother figure. I'd almost dare to say that, aside from me, my mom had become her best friend.

April 20th 1:15pm

"I'm so proud of you Nicky."

"Thanks Mom."

"No really. You're such a good man and I admire how you love Syd."

"That means a lot."

"I have to tell you something."

The change in my mom's tone was unsettling.

"What is it?"

"I went to the doctor today and they're worried that...." A tear escaped her eye.

"What mom?"

"They're worried that I might have cancer."

"No... I'm sure there's a mistake. You're healthy. You're..."

"They're going to run more tests. Nothing is for sure yet."

"They'll be negative mom. Don't worry."

"Yes, I'm sure they will."

I couldn't bring myself to tell Sydney. She was so excited for the move and I couldn't break her heart. Denial made it easy to keep the secret. I busied myself with the details of the move. I was excited and anxious at the same time.

April 30th 9:15pm

"Hey Nick, I've been thinking... Why wait?"

"Well, your job doesn't start until June and we can't go until our lease starts in June. I guess we could call and see if..."

"No, I mean why wait to get married? Planning won't take much and we're sure we want to do it."

"When are you thinking?"

"I don't know... June?"

"..... You're right. Why not?"

"You're the best Nick! I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you."

"No... You're the best."

I was sure I wanted to marry Sydney, but the idea of leaving my mom with the possibility that she might be sick kept residence in the back of my mind. I was an only child and, since my dad remarried, my mom didn't have much support. I was tough on the outside but, as the move got closer, on the inside I was turning to mush. If I told Sydney about my mom at least I'd have support, but there was no reason to make her worry when there was a chance there could be nothing wrong. I also didn't want to risk her calling off the move and forfeiting her dreams. She was over the moon and I wasn't about to take that away from her.

May 18th 10:14am

"How'd your doctors appointment go mom?"

"Well, they took some labs and they want to do an MRI."

"Why?"

"It's just part of the work up. I scheduled it for June 4th"

"Wow, that's right before we leave."

"I know. It was the soonest available."

"It'll be fine. I know it. If you were sick you'd feel bad... Right?"

"Of course Nicky. I'll be fine."

Wedding planning and finalizing the move occupied my time over the next few weeks. Planning with Sydney was easy. We had so much in common and we agreed on most decisions. When we didn't agree, compromise came naturally. This was clearly meant to be. There was no way my mom's tests could be positive.

June 4th 2:46pm

"How'd it go mom?"

"I don't know yet. It won't be read until tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yes hun. I'm sorry. You'll be off to Spain by the time I have results."

"I can't go until I know mom."

"Oh yes you can. And you'd better. You can't break Sydney's heart that way son. I'll be fine."

"Who would take care of you mom? Get you to doctors appointments? Get medicine if you need it?"

"Um..."

My mom could always come up with a quick response. Her silence was heartbreaking.

"I'd have to stay Mom."

"Well you won't know until you're gone. I would never forgive myself."

"Mom!"

"It's final Nicky. I won't tell you the results until after you land in Spain. And you should really tell Syd."

"I can't mom."

"At least consider it. It's the right thing to do."

June 4th 9:34pm

"I don't think I'll sleep at all"

"I'm sure I won't either."

"I've never been more happy Nick."

"Me either."

"Are you ok? You don't sound like yourself."

"I'm fine. Just tired, with the packing and all."

"You'd tell me if there was something wrong, right?"

"Of course Syd. Get some rest. Tomorrow will be the best day of our lives."

Of course I didn't sleep. My mind raced and, for the first time, I actually allowed myself to seriously consider the reality that my mom could have cancer. Having to choose between the love of my life and my possibly sick mom seemed so cruel. I questioned what I'd done to deserve it.

June 5 11:00am

"Hi Hun. Are you ready for your big trip?"

My mom's smile looked as though it was painted on her face.

"What are the results mom."

"Oh, I don't know yet."

"Please don't lie to me. It isn't fair."

"I said I don't know. Now, are you all packed? Did you remember to put your passport in the bag?"

"Yes mom, but I can't go until I know the results. Sydney can go and I'll fly out later."

"Nicky, Sydney is your priority now. You can't break that girl's heart. Go. Enjoy life. Either way I'll be fine." She flashes the fake smile again. "Be right back."

My mom headed down the hall and I heard the bathroom door close. I'd spotted her phone on the counter when I first walked in. I knew the code to unlock it and the hospital app log in. In a split second I decided that snooping was a good idea, then a bad idea, then a good idea again. I grabbed her phone and logged in quickly. The words "stage 3" jumped of off the screen. I heard the toilet flush and the water run and I quickly put the phone back in its place. I fought back tears.

"Ok. You should get going to your lunch."

She embraced me and I sobbed in her arms.

"Oh Nicky, it'll be ok. I'll fly over soon. You and Sydney will have a great life together.

"I know mom. Thanks. I love you."

I walked out of the door with my mind made up. I wasn't going. I couldn't tell my mom because she'd try to convince me otherwise. I couldn't tell Sydney because she'd try to stay. She and I had lunch in the park. I hated lying to her and I dreaded what I'd have to do that evening. After lunch, I went home, climbed into my bed and cried like I never had before. The plan was for me to leave my car at my mom's and Sydney and I would meet at Ralph's, a deli nearby. We'd grab a quick bite to-go then Uber to the airport. Her face was glowing as she walked toward me. She let go of her roller bag and squeezed me tight. She got food. I said I was too excited to eat. It felt like my heart was being torn apart, peice by peice, with each lie. I'd decided to ride out to the airport with her. It was more likely that she'd go that way. We got out of the Uber and I grabbed our bags from the trunk. I pulled them up over the curb and stopped.

June 5th 6:41pm

"Um, Sydney. I can't go,"

"Wait... What?"

"I can't go. I can't tell you why right now but I promise I will. I'm so sorry. I know how this must make you feel"

"Your kidding. This isnt funny Nicholas"

The tears streaming down my face proved that it wasn't a joke.

"Sydney. I love you more than anything... But I just can't go."

"Is... Is there someone else?"

"Of course not! I promise it'll all make sense when I'm able to explain. Please... Go. This is your dream."

"No you are my dream!"

"Syd. I'm sorry."

I couldn't take any more words. I pulled her toward me and took her in my arms. I kissed her deeply, knowing this might be our last. She regained her balance and I turned to walk away. She didn't move. She watched in clear disbelief. After a few steps I turned back to get one last look at the love of my life. I didn't want to say it, but it didn't feel right not to.

June 5th 6:44pm

"Oh, yea... Goodbye."