Sans Neige

How am I supposed to know if it was for the better or the worse? I grew up ordinary—middle-class, suburban home. There were trees and streams, but being in the middle, I never suffered the hardship of the poor, and I couldn’t grasp the frustration of the rich. I guess it’s an advantage, but when I was young, I knew what I wanted. Only the Navy had jets, fast jets. They flew very high and very fast. I wanted to feel those wings. If I had been a pilot, I would have touched the wind, but they couldn’t accept me. My school graduated me, but my grades told a different story. I wanted to reach greater heights, but I blew it and landed back in the middle.

I first saw her in the red-light district. We had just gotten paid, and my colleagues wanted to blow off some steam. I had bills to pay, and they had women. I waited outside Carnival, surrounded by neon and girls behind storefront windows like puppies at a pet store. One minute I’d smile and wave back, and then I wished they’d just unplugged everything.

There were a lot of people walking around, and oddly enough, mostly couples, or at least that’s what I noticed. The weather was beautiful for a walk, so I did. One of the crowd. The token third-wheel. I’ve read books that offered answers to empty hands, but none seemed to apply to the predicament to which everything is taken or claimed, one way or another, by motives I saw right through or perhaps saw right through me. It was hard to tell, but then again, I didn’t ask. I had my hands in my pockets and started noticing the color of people’s shoelaces.

“There is an untouched place in the stars, completely free of all the troubles that are plaguing our world! I dreamt our children flew there and found peace. Found God! It’s not far from these trivial delights. Even you.”

She was passing out handwritten pamphlets, and because no one took one, I did. I must say my motives were completely selfish. She was beautiful and possibly insane.

“Hello, my name is Manna. Did you know we’re blind to the tears of God?”

“I can’t say I’ve noticed…”

“And that’s what’s wrong.”

“With what?”

“Everything! These words, your voice, all of it. It’s going to be gone. Everything. All we can do is go to space now.”

“O-k, I’m going to get going.”

“Will you come?”

“Where?”

The pamphlet she handed me had a date, time, and location. I said, “Yes,” and it felt wrong.

“Nice to meet you, Manna.”

I was gone, just as quickly as she said hello. She spoke to strangers about heaven and space. I looked back and couldn’t help but notice the sense of purpose that seemed to brew within her. I wouldn’t say I was jealous, but it definitely hit a note where I’d been stringless. She wasn’t a freak. I used to be so disengaged that I didn’t notice freaks, but now I don’t even believe in them. I believe in these wet brick walls and rusted-out garbage containers with locked-up plastic lids. The chicken some kid tried to sell me in a cage, and my sister’s never-ending ass crack. I could still hear Manna, though, but she never looked up, so I gave it a try and thought I saw why she was so focused here, on Earth. I didn’t see any stars, just a purple sky that rubbed against the city lights, the laughter, and the fun. I remembered many stars and wondered what early humans thought of them before electricity, before a world of fires. A satellite slowly orbited past us. It had a red, blinking light, and I thought about the view from there. Where we just a bunch of blinking lights? What did the other side look like? I bet it’s quiet, and then I noticed Manna was gone.

I walked back over to Carnival, and none of my colleagues were around. I asked the coat check attendant, and she said they left.

“Together?” I asked.

“No, they left separately. Do you have a coat you’d like me to grab?”

“Um, I got mine.”

I walked back down to our place, and the street was definitely thinning out. All the lights remained on, and street jesters did their tricks, but there were fewer people, and as I walked by a streetlight that went out, I heard, “Psst.”

I couldn’t tell if he was a hobo or a tired clown, but he said, “Psst,” again, and waved me over as he looked side to side as if we were supposed to be alone. “You look like a good guy. The name is Ralph Ralphie.”

“Nice to meet you, Ralph, Ralphie. I’m.”

“Lost. You don’t know where you’re going. You lie around all day, waiting for the Earth to take a giant dump on your chest, but.” He padded his pockets. “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have a match, would you?”

“Uh, nope.”

“What was I saying?”

“How I’m waiting for the Earth to shit on my chest.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s right. You sure you don’t have a light? I’ll split this cigar with you.”

“I don’t.”

“Hm. Well, it was nice chatting with you. I can’t stick around; I have to find my sister. She’s a street preacher, and I kind of hang out here until she’s done.”

“Manna?”

“Who?”

“Manna. She gave me this.”

Ralph took the pamphlet and never gave it back, but he studied it. He looked at it for a long time.

“Space, huh?”

“I guess so. So, is Manna not your sister?”

“I don’t know who Manna is, but this is interesting. Where did you get this?”

“Manna.”

“Where is she?”

“She was down and to the right in the plaza in front of…”

“I’m kidding, yeah, she’s my sister. Total nutball. You smoke grass?”

“No.”

“You should.”

“Why’s that?”

“I dunno. I do.”

This guy was a clown. Everything from the way he was lying on the sidewalk to the fact that his shirt did not cover his stomach bothered me in a way I kept and did not express. My expression, my attitude, was live and let live, but I walked away from Ralph with a shiver running down my spine. I thought about cavemen and the discovery of fire. I saw slaves building great pyramids against their will. I heard a child in its mother’s arms for the first time, and I bumped into Manna. She handed me a pamphlet, and because Ralph had my old one, I took it.

“You can only find peace through God.”

I don’t know if I needed peace, but when I looked back, she was looking up, and when I joined her, I saw that it was snowing. The stars came to us, and I was happy. At one time or another, we wanted to be in the sky, and whoever Manna talked to let it come to us.