Make Malta Great Again

I need you to concentrate. Focus for the next five to ten minutes, for the love of Jebus and Loki and Sheogorath and Nicolas Cage, and everything holy online, read these words aloud.

This happened. It is a true story that happened to a Friend of an Uncle’s Cousin’s Kid.

Daniel was sitting on a bench outside of the Belvidere rest stop, Red bull and meat pie in hand, when he saw her. Otsu, she was driving a red ford focus and Nicole was playing around with the radio as they pulled up to refuel. He watched them, spilling tomato sauce down the front of his shirt, he was wearing red so it didn’t really matter, only now it had that sickly sweet smell of highly processed tomatoes and ground beef and gravy, but that’s beside the point. Andrew was watching from the counter as Liam put a handful of mars bars ontop. Daniel was still wiping the stained shirt with a wet-wipe when out of nowhere Teagan, drunk as a skunk road through the service station. She slammed her yellow VW beetle into the back of Ryans Jeep, ripping the black handled fuel pump from his hands as his pride and joy crumpled and folded and groaned sideways into the back of Ulma’s camper van, where her boyfriend, Mathew, was currently sleeping, she was in the restroom as this all went down. Paul raced over as he knew CPR, he is, was, no is, my Friend’s Uncles Cousin’s Kid by the way. 

Nobody needed CPR, but Heather was a real nurse and ran over to help Otsu, as she somehow was the only one with an injury that needed attention. She had some sort of steel shard embed itself into her head, just above her left eyebrow. William actually managed to catch it all on his phone. He was stalking my friends uncle’s Cousin, who also happened to be there filling up her Nissan Micra at the time. Otsu started sobbing as the Cousin finished filling up. Also, don’t worry. Stalker-Willy is on probation now and she put a restraining order on him, it all comes out in the wash in the end. But as I was saying, wouldn’t you believe it! My Uncle pulled up not even five minutes after the accident. Liam was standing at the counter with his jaw on the flaw, so was Daniel, just he was sitting on the bench with his jaw on the floor. The perves were staring at Yvette as she ran over in her yoga pants. 

Men… but I mean, I get it. But still. Men…

Otsu was screaming and crying and whimpering and shaking by now. Ulma finally strolled out of the restroom to see her camper van somehow parked diagonally, but hadn’t yet seen the large dent on the side facing away from her.

Vincent finally rocked up half an hour later, black leather boots and blue uniform. He was all swagger and no jagger. If you get what I mean. Otsu had finally shut up by now — mostly — kind of, and Teagan was starting to sober up. Sorta. Not really. Emily was the one that called the police, she was sitting across the entrance road at a park bench the whole time. Saw the whole thing and dint move a muscle. Not a twitch. Fred was another copper that jumped out of the police cruiser, though he was a little less cocky. Otsu’s stupid whimpers had finally stopped completely when she saw him get out of the car, he was her high school sweetheart you see. Ryan was still talking to himself, telling his jeep everything will be just fine as he caressed the drivers door’s mirror. Said he’d fix ‘her’ up and they’d go for a nice long drive up Cable Beach when it’s all over. He was calling it Jacinta for some reason.

Heather was finally sick of the whimpering lady that thought she was dying, I mean, she did have a bit of steel nearly poke her eye out, but I shall continue, and waltzed over to the two policemen with an exaggerated hip swing, didn’t suit her. She was more attractive with her bossy HR lady/angry teacher walk to be honest. Ian the fireman pulled up with lights flashing and the siren wailing, I could see he and his merry men were disappointed at the lack of flames and smoke and carnage. Shit outta luck Montag. Sorry not sorry.

At the end of the day it was an eventful afternoon where a lot of nothing happened for what seemed like hours. We were all told to stay and give statements. 

Daniel gave his statement then left with his red stained red shirt like a less cool Deadpool.

Otsu was loaded into an ambulance, swear she was louder after they closed the doors.

Nicole drove off seperate from her. Think she was a bit embarrassed.

Andrew clocked off and left via the back door.

Liam left without a word.

Daniel turned around and sprinted back, as he forgot his phone on the bench.

Teagan left in the back of the police cruiser.

Ryan left with a tow truck.

Ulma left, she never did notice the dent in her campervan.

Mathew went back to sleep pretty much as soon as the dust settled. That guy had taken something far too strong.

Paul slinked away after he gave his statement.

William ran before he could be questioned, he still got served a week later.

Heather was recognised in the papers the next morning. “Local hero saves life of budding influencer star.” She never read it.

Yvette jogged off after flirting with Fred.

Vincent was not impressed. Jealous I think.

Otsu actually escaped the ambulance and ran back to the crash site, professing her love for Fred. Poor guy, had no idea what was going on.

Teagan kicked at and smashed a window just after the paramedics straped otsu down, yeah she’s doing time now, I didn’t mention that earlier. Surprise!

Emily had had enough and left as soon as she could.

Heather cursed under her breath, then once again for everyone to hear. “You’re all psychopaths” She said.

Ian and his team packed up and left, not a word between them. They’d rolled out the hoses in a mad excited rush without actually looking at the scene. Safe to say he was embarrassed of his team and they were embarrassed of themselves.

Montag was not happy at all.

Malta. All I wanted to do was fly to fucking MALTA. Why does this shit always happen to me??