Dear Auggie

Dear Auggie,

Tomorrow’s your birthday.

I found Mom crying upstairs again. I think she misses you.

I do. I wish you’d come back.

With Love,

Beckette

Dear Auggie,

We got you presents. They’re still sitting in the living room, next to the fireplace. Remember that’s where the birthday kid always sat?

On the day of your birthday, the doorbell rang and Mom’s face lit up. Dad rushed to answer the door. It wasn’t you. After that Mom went and cried again. I had to make my own breakfast, but that’s okay. I’m used to it now.

With Love,

Beckette

Dear Auggie,

School started today. I don’t like school. I wish you were here, you always knew how to make me laugh.

There are mean girls this year. They said I had ugly eyes and my hair looked babyish in braids.

You always said my grayish blue eyes were pretty. You always helped me braid my hair, even though you were a boy and even though your friends made fun of you for it.

With Love,

Beckette

Dear Auggie,

I saw Dad cry today. Remember that car you really wanted? Well, we saw one today. It was all smashed up and there were people throwing rocks at it.

Mom finally made dinner again tonight. She’s only done it about 12 times since you left. The chicken was way overcooked and the peas burnt but I ate it anyway.

I think I’m sick now. I hope I don’t have to go to school. The girls teased me again today, said the blue dress I was wearing made me look fat.

It’s the dress you always told me to wear to church. Does it make me look fat? You said I looked pretty. Am I fat? I don’t think so. I’m just short for my age. Right?

With Love,

Beckette

Dear Auggie,

I met a girl today. Her name is Lilly Ann. She wore overalls with the knees patched up with bright fabric. She has glasses taped together on the bridge. I like her.

With Love,

Beckette

Dear Auggie,

Did you know that all cells come from pre-existing cells? Did you learn that when you were in Ms Weexler’s 6th grade science class? Did you know that old cells split to make new cells?

Did you know that when you left you split my heart like those cells?

With Love,

Beckette

Dear Auggie,

Lilly Ann came over today. She said she liked my room. When she asked about the blue door with pictures of Lebron James on it I could only stare at the floor. After that, she didn’t ask about much.

After she left the house was light. Dad even sang a little bit. Did you know he hasn’t sung since you left? But he stopped when he saw tears in Mom’s eyes. He was singing your favorite song.

‘Sweet Caroline’, do you remember? You used to stomp your feet to the bum bum bums.

With Love,

Beckette

Dear Auggie,

Today in school my math teacher looked at my holey shoes and asked if everything was okay at home. She looked so genuine that I wanted to suddenly pour out my heart and soul to her, to tell her that life is hard. That I have to make my own breakfasts, do my own laundry, make dinner and lay quietly at night and sob myself to sleep.

But I didn’t.

I kept my mouth shut and just shook my head. Blinked my eyes quickly and turned my attention back to my math paper. Later that day, when I got home, Mom said the office called to see if everything was okay. I looked her in the eye and said “No,” then I ran to my room and refused to come out.

With Love,

Beckette

Dear Auggie,

My math teacher is not giving up. Everyday now she asks how home is. Everyday I respond, “Just fine, what about you?” And everyday her lips purse and she just shakes her head. “Same old, same old,” she replies.

Oh Auggie. I miss you everyday! I miss you on the bus when we used to play Uno, and at dinner where me, Mom, and Dad just sit all sullen and sad. I miss your scrambled eggs in the morning, the big bear hugs you’d give me after school, the way you laughed whenever I mispronounced ‘particularly’.

Please come back,

Beckette

Dear Auggie,

Lilly Ann called me Beck today. I froze because that was our name. Our secret. She noticed my hesitation and asked if it was okay. I said yes. I hope you don't mind.

With Love,

Beckette

Dear Auggie,

Now everyone calls me Beck. I like it. It’s like a new name. Maybe with a new name I can be a new me, a me that doesn’t cry whenever the August in my class is called, a me that doesn’t have to stay quiet to keep her parents from crying, a me that can laugh again, that can play again.

Today, during passing period, Janet, one of the mean girls, came up to me and said, “I think going by Beck is very cute, I think I’ll go by Jan, too.” Now all the mean girls go by shortened names. They’re not so mean, now. Coralyn even said she could help me pick out outfits at the mall this weekend!

I just have to convince Mom and Dad to let me. After you split, they didn’t like me to go anywhere alone. They barely let me walk up to school on the first day by myself, let alone go to the mall. Maybe if you wrote back, told us that you were okay… maybe then they’d know I wouldn’t leave. Leave like you.

Beck

Dear Auggie,

Today when I showed up to class, Mrs Jones(math teacher), had a wrapped parcel at my desk. “I hope you like it,” She said, smiling with all her teeth.

I felt sick to my stomach, not quite sure why. “Do I have to open it now?” I whispered.

“Of course not,” Mrs Jones placed her hand on top of my hand that was quivering like crazy. “It won’t hurt you,”

I took a deep breath, focused on her hand. The quivering went away. “Thank you,” I said, looking her in the eye.

She smiled again. “Don’t mention it.”

But I did. Oh I did. Dad brought home burgers and Mom made chocolate cake, my favorite. We all sat down at the counter-the dining room hit a little close to you- and at burgers with ketchup, and then ate the cake. It was slightly dry but I didn’t tell. I was just glad Mom made it. Anyway, over dinner I told them all about Mrs Jones and then I pulled out the package.

I still hadn’t opened it.

Dad’s face went from disbelief to sadness to anger. Mom’s face paled and she looked at Dad anxiously.

“Do they know?” She said, her voice just below a whisper.

“Know what?” I spoke before thinking.

They ignored me and Dad responded, “I don’t think so. It sounds like Mrs Jones just noticed her shoes.”

“Stop keeping secrets from me!” I jumped up and slammed my fist into the table. “All you do anymore is whisper, ignore, whisper! You don’t tell me anything! Ever since Auggie died it feels like I’m living with a ghost family. And I hate it! Hate it, hate it, hate it!” Then I turned and ran up to my room. They didn’t follow.

With Love,

Beck

Dear Auggie,

This morning the whole house was quiet. I went and peeked into Mom and Dad’s room. It was empty.

Panic seized my chest as I imagined the worst.

Kidnapped. They left me. Police took them. Rabid dog ate them. Alien abduction.

I sank to the floor and held my knees to my chest.

Tornado swept them away. Homicide. Hammer to the head.

I began to rock back and forth, I covered my ears and hummed, trying to tune out the endless bundle of thoughts.

Car crash. Helicopter crash. Airplane went haywire and hit them. Train wreck-

“Honey, are you okay?” It was Mom, her hand on my shoulder.

I leapt up, my eyes wild. “Fine! Fine!” My voice was hysterical. “I’m fine!” Suddenly I started to sob. Again, I fell to the floor. “Never okay,” I hiccuped. “I’m never okay. Never ever ever.”

“How about you take the day off from school?” Mom reached down to hug me, her eyes soft.

“No! NO!” I jumped to my feet and ran to my room, slamming the door behind me and locking it. I sat on my bed, sobbing, rocking, humming. My hands covered my ears, trying to block out the world.

Oh Auggie, I can’t take it anymore. It’s too much. Too, too much.

Beck

Auggie.

I’m going to be honest with you. When you first left I missed you so much it felt like my heart was wrenched from my body.

Not anymore.

All I feel now is raw, cold anger. I hate you right now, Auggie. Hate you.

I can’t fathom what could’ve made you leave your life here in Oregon. What made you leave your family, your school, your town, your sister.

A sister that looked up to you so much. And then you just left. There was no note, no last-minute text. Just a hole where you should be.

I got home first, that Friday. You’d said you were riding home with friends. The house was empty. I called your name to no response. I checked every room in the house. Nothing.

When Mom got home from OneTech, I told her that I couldn’t find you. When Dad came home the police were already at the house.

By Monday we knew you’d run away. A friend heard from a friend that heard you talking to the counselors about how life would be better far far from Oregon. The police pieced the rest together.

It’s been 8 months now. The search for you lasted about 3 weeks. Then it stopped. You weren’t coming back. There was nothing about an August Gillivere anywhere on the earth. It’s like you just… disappeared.

Beck

Dear Auggie,

I didn’t go to school today. Mom took me to a doctor appointment and then we got ice cream. She called it a ‘girls day out’.

I called it torture.

It’s not that I hate Mom, just hate the fact that she can’t seem to pull herself together. When we got ice cream she glimpsed a kid with your favorite brand of shoes on and out came the tears. After that, I let my chocolate ice cream melt. I didn’t want to be with a person who couldn’t keep her head on straight.

With Love,

Beck

Dear Auggie,

I know it’s been a few weeks since I last wrote but I’ve been busy. Me and Lilly Ann have been hanging out a lot lately. She’s really nice and I haven’t had a friend like her since… since you left.

Auggie, after you left I collapsed into a box. I shut myself out from everything for a few weeks. Including Ester, my best friend. Well, she tried to talk to me. But I just couldn’t- wouldn’t- listen. So when she moved away I had no idea what was going on. Of course I learned from people at school.

Even though it’s not your fault, I still blame you. I’d just gotten my phone and was going to get her number when she remembered to write it down.

I never got it.

Now she’s gone, somewhere in Oklahoma with her mom and dad and two brothers, far far away from Oregon and I.

With Regrets,

Beck

Dear Auggie,

I'm sorry. I get so mad when I write these letters… they bring up bad memories.

Lilly Ann took me to the mall today. We went and watched a movie and got boba. I got brown sugar. It was weird- a lot like how you would imagine eating pearls. I think you would've liked eating boba.

After boba Lilly Ann convinced me to buy this gorgeous green dress. It's got long sleeves and a thin skirt. Sequins are embedded on the breast. I love it.

It reminds me of you and your green eyes.

I hate it.

I don't think I'll ever wear it.

With Love,

Beck

Dear Auggie,

Today I didn't go to school. The pain was to much. I stayed under my covers and cried and cried.

Neither Mom nor Dad stepped in to ask if I was okay.

That only made cry harder.

With Sorrow,

Beck

Dear Auggie,

Ever heard that song that goes ‘I love you, I hate you, I miss you- two truths and a lie?’

Well, I love you.

I hate you.

I

miss you.

Two truths and a lie.

Maybe one day- just maybe- the doorbells will ring. Mom and Dad will have long given up, maybe even started to forget what life was like- but not me.

Oh Auggie, I’d see that old black car that you used to drive-remember the scratch from the baseball?- parked out front and I would fly toward the door and I would open it and there you'd be. Smiling and shaking you head. Maybe you'd have a beard, maybe you'd have glasses.

Oh but Auggie, one day, one day I know you'll come knocking on that door.

And when you do, well, I love you, I miss you, I hate you-two truths and a lie.

Beck